Good things are happening. It's never as fast as I want, but I'm happy to be moving forward. I got the results of a professional certification test on Friday, and I passed with 97%, which means I can now get my certificate in my chosen area. That should lead to a much better job soon--I hope.
I also had the germ of an idea for a new novel, but I'm not sure it will amount to anything. We'll see.
Sex just gets better and better. It's really starting to make more sense to me. Last night was maybe the fourth or fifth time in the last month or two that we've had what I thought of as the best ever in some particular "genre" of sex, as nerdy and weird as that looks in print. Without getting off-putting with details, last night was the best shower we've ever had together. I'm beginning to feel like we've finally gotten comfortable enough with the idea that we are a sexual couple who like to have sex with each other to explore. I was never very clear on what people meant by "exploring my sexuality" before, because we had a pretty limited repertoire of what was "acceptable," and I was scared to deviate from it lest the opportunity for lovemaking vanish altogether. But now that we're doing things she isn't completely sure of, it requires me to do things I'm not completely sure of. Specifically, it's becoming clear that her sexuality is strongest when she's being led and dominated. Just thinking about the look on her face last night when I did the simplest thing--I put her hands high on the wall and told her she had to leave them there while I toweled her off--is causing a physical reaction in me now, a day later. It was a look I haven't seen on her face too many times. She was completely focused on her pleasure and paying no attention to any other concern.
This requires a certain control and decisiveness from me that I haven't always wanted to show. Being the leader, or the dominant one, means I have to know more or less what I'm doing and I can't just let instincts go. Maybe that will come with time. But I feel like we're genuinely exploring now, doing things without knowing whether they'll "work" or not, taking chances. It's so much easier than I thought it would be. But I think that's because we've been working so hard on taking each other at face value and treating each other with understanding and compassion. If I try something that falls flat, I *think* it won't be the end of our love life. As recently as a couple of months ago my wife told me that she thought we were starting to be awkward again, and that we'd been forcing and jump-starting nights with the "Just do it" strategy, but she wondered if I was happy. I told her that I loved making love with her, but it was more pressure for me since she had basically made the changes I asked for and I was still "auditioning" every time--feeling like I had something to prove, because if the earth didn't move, she might lose interest. We were able to talk frankly about that, and it led us both to relax more.
(Actually, my wife just wandered in looking for something and complaining about her back. Apparently we strained it last night. Oops. Sometimes I feel like Lenny from Of Mice and Men. "Gosh, Mrs. Bear, I sure didn't mean to break you. I just wanted to have some sex with you, and love you, and keep you, and pet you, is all.")
This weekend also kicked off my next weight-loss phase. I've put some of the weight I lost last time back on, and I need to take it off. I'm going to try to update here with the amounts lost (sorry, not putting my weight) in my signature. Is it stupid to try to lose weight starting less than two weeks before Christmas? Probably, but my mama always said "Be yourself," which has led me to attempt any number of stupid things. I've started by moving my weights and equipment down into the basement so I can use them at roughly room temperature, and I've been doing bodyweight squats and pushups around the house for awhile now. But I know these are the peripheral issues. The big one is diet, and it has to come back under control. Tomorrow morning I start the SlimFast shakes again.
