Divorce mediation was postponed until next Thu night. A's did not communicate I guess - Blackberry problems.
I have the draft D papers written by WAW's attorney. They did agree to the things I stated I wanted in the papers except 1/2 of her IRA. We contributed to that one only for many years as an asset allocation strategy. I am still going to press for that.
In the draft D papers, WAW wanted completely out from under our house and mortgage. Part of morphing from age 40 to age 22 (see previous post on this topic) I guess.
As far as our house goes, we are under water now at the expected sales price taking into account sales/closing costs, a mortgage refi only 10 months ago (yes a wasted $8000 now), and a generally sideways housing market. $40,000 in equity burned in just 18 months, wow!
I have discussed this vanishing money with WAW - do they even consider this sort of thing when they are thinking of leaving?
I must keep DBing for my boys' sake. I love my WAW, but her "happiness" will be borne on the fragile shoulders of an S4 and an S7.
How can she not see that this grass is not green due to lack of tending and watering for so many months now?
She is getting bad advice from people about what bliss divorce will be. I know that several of her new friends were victims of abuse during their marriages.
Why does she not talk to people who don't agree with her?
My A asked WAW's A to inquire about IC for WAW. Tepid response from WAW's A at best.
I am sad that she told me to my face 2X that the jewelry is meaningless to her. Gifts was the love language she responded to for many years but not now.
As P17 pointed out, you can't believe anything they say right now. She could have said that precisely to hurt you.
And if you are running a large deficit in her love bank, one incident isn't going to turn things around.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
I have discussed this vanishing money with WAW - do they even consider this sort of thing when they are thinking of leaving?
She left the kids - the house isn't even a consideration.
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How can she not see that this grass is not green due to lack of tending and watering for so many months now?
FOG.
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She is getting bad advice from people about what bliss divorce will be. I know that several of her new friends were victims of abuse during their marriages.
Oh yes. I know that one. There is nothing you can do about it so you need to forget about that bit.
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Why does she not talk to people who don't agree with her?
That's basic human nature. When you are in the sitch that you she is in, she only wants to talk to people who support and agree with her so that she knows she is making the right decision.
If I told you that you wife is never ever coming back to you, you need to forget about her and move on .... would you listen to me?
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Why will she not go to IC?
Maybe because she would then have to face the real possibility of what she has actually done?
Me 36, W 34 | D 8 | M 3.5y Sep 2Aug09 | Left 6Sep09 | OM in 10Oct09 | NC 17Nov09 | Gave up caring - Jan 2010
"Have integrity. Do what is right, not what is expedient." "Delay is the antidote for anger"
If I told you that you wife is never ever coming back to you, you need to forget about her and move on .... would you listen to me?
Yes, P17, I would listen to you. I actually believe that to be true. However, I am going to keep DBing against all odds. Because she is "following the script" so closely for WAW/MLC, I am hopeful that DBing has a chance to bring her back. The FOG is thick.
We are a no fault divorce state, so I am not going to stand on the tracks to stop the divorce train. I am just going to be business-like about it and protect myself and do what I think will be best (of the bad options in divorce) for my boys.
On the other hand, I am GALing the best as I can. I have faced reality of single Dad with S4 and S7 custody 50% of the time.
I am amazed at the positive support I have received from old friends, new friends, and friends on this forum.
Marriage is worth it. Our marriage is worth it.
WAW was perturbed at transition for our boys tonight. We had our wires crossed as to where the drop off would take place. I presumed since our standard practice was for the "oncoming" parent to travel across town to get the boys, that is what we would do this afternoon. She thought she was supposed to drop them off at our house. (She came in our house to say goodbye to our boys after a quick look around).
It is hard for me to understand how my WAW is OK with seeing her boys only 50% of the time and holidays every other year from now on. Did a genie cast a spell on her?
I am so looking forward to Christmas with them. A whole week of fun. It will be a white Christmas here in MT.
This situation reminds me so much of the movie Family Man in which the daughter asks Nicolas Cage if the aliens took him. I think the aliens took my W, and the replacement is my WAW now.
Here's the question: What does everyone think about asking another new friend - WOW woman, and I'm very particular - to do something on Friday or Saturday?
New friend has a sterling reputation - I have checked.
This new friend knows my full sitch and is still interested.
My WAW is still number one. Reconciliation is still my goal.
Word would likely filter back soon if I had continuing social plans with this woman. If my WAW or one of her friends ever saw me with her out (a reasonable scenario-only so many fun places to go here), my WAW would definitely see the new friend is quite good looking and "my type."
More directly, if WAW heard of or saw my new friend with me, will she be p*ssed off and abandon any future thoughts of reconciliation or think, hmm, this one finds him attractive, maybe I should too?
I was introduced to this new friend over drinks Friday with mutual friends (five of us total) after work. We work in the same building. I work for an operating business, and she works for the corporate holding company. She had her job outsourced, so she will operate the outsourced business from her home starting Jan 1.
Drinks Friday went as well as one could hope. They even laughed at my jokes. She told our mutual friend afterward that I am "good looking and very intelligent." I am rarely accused of being either. :-) I can say, in my sitch, that was a nice thing to hear this AM.
sandi2-How does this fit with WAW being number one?
More directly, if WAW heard of or saw my new friend with me, will she be p*ssed off and abandon any future thoughts of reconciliation or think, hmm, this one finds him attractive, maybe I should too?
The answer is "yes". She could think either of those things, or both.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
I realize you don't "know" my WAW. However, you all know more about her (based on the details from my posts) than probably anyone on this earth except me. You all certainly know her better than the OM does.
What is everyone's experience? Should I ask this new friend to do something socially or not? How would this affect my (already slim, at best) chance of DB?
sandi2-What is your though as a former almost-WAW? How does this fit in with your thought of my WAW being number one?
I would like to ask today, if possible, for Fri or Sat.
OK, I pulled the trigger on asking my new friend, let's call her <Bonnie>, to do something on Sat. We narrowed it down to running or snowshoeing (MT fun at its best!)followed by coffee, and if I'm on my game, maybe lunch. She knows my full story and is not scared off. Shoot, I'm scared off by my story! :-)
I am certain reconciliation with WAW will be after our D if at all. She is so determined to seek this "shortcut" out of her pain and fear.
I went sledding with my S4 and S7 the last two nights after work. I heard from daycare that the S4 mentioned sledding yesterday to WAW when she called at noon today. :-) GAL-baby!
I got an email today from a former neighbor asking to go running-one of my GALs. He has seen my name in the local race results. In Sept, his wife had "encouraged" my W to D during the last days we were together (fact-WAW said so in an email to OM).
Former neighbor and second wife met and started an A while they were married to others, and, hey, if it worked for them, it will work for my WAW and OM! Actually, it's not working for second wife and step children - it is war - the UN should be involved! The grass is so much greener... :-)
Former neighbor said in email that I must be having a difficult time. My response was that my boys are having a difficult time, and I mentioned the WAW's admitted affair with OM <by name> (he supervises both in a part-time job-yes, it's sick and wrong) caused me considerable difficulty, but I am doing better every day.
I forwarded my response to my L before I sent it, and she said it was fine.
Interestingly, neighbor wrote back still wanting to go running-no mention of the affair. I don't think I'll run with him.
Another day of DBing in the books. WAW did not work as a sub again today. How does she expect to survive on $80/day as a substitute teacher? We get to use imputed income (she has M.Ed. + 15 credits and 9 yrs experience) to determine child support. So, at 50% custody, we're talking ~$250/month. Do that math and MIL will be supporting her for awhile.
How long will my 40-year old WAW want her mom to give her $1500/month to live? Indefinitely? Reality?
I don't think the financial thing will get her out of the FOG. It will have to be something happen in the R with the OM.
Looking forward to a fun Sat with <Bonnie>. If only WAW would see us together...
Doing nothing is so hard. I am almost LRTing because I choose very minimal contact with WAW.
Today I got the following text from WAW who resides on a different planet than I do: "I bought a christmas platter for both <S4's daycare provider> and <S7's Teacher> from the boys. Is that ok?"
WAW's text is a microcosm of lack of clear communication and differing expectations we have had for a long time.
First, why would I want to "team" with WAW to get any gifts for anyone? She moved out 5 weeks ago and her EA/PA is escalating each day.
Second, how disrespectful is it to do something without coordinating, then ask 'Is that OK?'?
Finally, I think what she really meant to ask was "Will you pay half the cost of these gifts for which you had no input?"
UGH. This reminds me of how WAW "told me" she was "not happy so many times" during our M.
During our M, my W was the one to do the "heavy lifting" about most gifts. How can she think this Christmas will be the same as past years?
My recollection is that during past years, I thanked her repeatedly for taking care of these gifts so I didn't have to do so.
Here was my response: "<WAW>, Christmas platters are very thoughtful gifts. I have chosen to send cards to them from our boys.<Me>" I put a coffee gift card in each card as well.
