how to 180 when you've been too independent?

[rockedworld]

Yes it is... we have to recognize our small successes. And, when you are dealing with this much stress and anxiety, being able to calm your mind for even a few seconds is a success!

I also keep a smooth pebble in my pocket that I hold/rub at times when the anxiety builds up. Also a suggestion from my IC.

Hope you have a wonderful weekend Avermont! Take care of YOU!

[avermont]

Oh, I just grabbed the pretty glass 1/2 marble off my desk to put into my pocket. Thanks!

Thanks for the support. You have a FABULOUS weekend yourself.

[chatterbug]

Hey Aver. I read about your walk in the park. Good for you. Is it not nice to be able to walk and talk. And no expactions. So you can just be you. They can just be they.

[avermont]

Well, but as it was set up as a date, unfortunately there probably are expectations.

And as P17 said, that is totally not fair.

So, how to get out in the world, see if men find me attractive, build my self esteem, have X hear that I am out and about without just being a total USER of some poor guy?

It could happen, maybe, that I would like the guy enough to help me detach and move on?

I do not want to build up any bad karma.

So, how to get out without being unfair to potential dates?

[TrentC]

So, how to get out in the world, see if men find me attractive, build my self esteem, have X hear that I am out and about without just being a total USER of some poor guy?

Be honest? "I'm just getting out of a long-term relationship, so I'm not ready to see other people romantically yet."

It could happen, maybe, that I would like the guy enough to help me detach and move on?

That's not what detaching is about. It's about not taking responsibility for, or ownership of, his emotional state or reactions.

Livestrong.com has a good article on detachment.

[P17]

It could happen, maybe, that I would like the guy enough to help me detach and move on?

That's not how it works. You can't use somebody as an emotional crutch to get you out of your sitch. All that does is postpone you dealing with yourself and then you will end up have an bad R with this guy because of it.

The best advice I read is that when you actually don't want to date, that is when you are ready (Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus - Starting Over).

So, how to get out without being unfair to potential dates?

You don't. And let's be crude about it, unless you are both just looking for uncomplicated sex (it's a basic need), which is completely different from a R, you shouldn't be doing it, IMO.

[avermont]

Thanks, TrentC and P17 for the advice.

I am confused...I hear I should go out and about; I did want to see what dating was like; but I am clearly not ready for a romantic relationship.

OK--so now I can panic about this--since I had a nice time with this guy and we said we would set something up for this weekend--do I now email him with just enough personal info so I can end with "not ready for romantic R"? Tell him I really enjoyed the time with him, but he should know where I am at. And then he can make his own decision as whether he wants to bother with me or not.

If you were this guy, what would you want to hear from me in this sitch?

I have the M v. V starting over book; I will take a look at it tonight.

[Kimmie Lee]

I think it's ok to go on casual dates; coffee, etc. That certainly doesn't mean you have to have sex.

And I guarantee that it would get your partner's attention.

[chatterbug]

I posted this on P's thread for ya aver...
As for dating.

Dating is full of expations.

Set your expations. Set your boundaries.

A date is not a relationship.

A date is a enjoying some company , some conversation , some activity and perhaps some food.

Something you could do with a friend or a stranger.

Nowhere are we saying have sex or fall in lust.

We are saying. Enjoy your life. Live. A very hard part of depression is dealing with pleasures. We turn them off. I bbq. I love to cook. I have not bbq'd once since D-day. Not once. I have just started to cook again. I invite friends over and I make them diner. If its just one I treat it as a date. I expand my circles of friends. I meet new people.

Maybe one day I go for a coffee with one of them. I prepare for this evening as it was a date. Then I go and enjoy coffee. I engage them in conversation. I enjoy myself. I go home. If I had a good time and I find the person interesting. I call them up and say I had a good time and would like to do that again sometime with them or with a group of friends. Thats a date as well.

Maybe someone goes... Hey I have a friend and they seperated or they are single and never married. Would you like to meet them. I say sure. But let them know that I am only interested in good food, good company and good conversation. Nothing more.
If they agree to this then I have a blind date. If I enjoy it. Then I had a good evening. Perhaps I will do this again.

I am living my life. Enjoying the company of others. Some old, some new in my life.

Nowhere have I fallen in love , lust. I am healing. This is helping.

And if by chance I do get emotionally attached to some one at this time ( and yes I have , and realized it because I am healing and learning about relationships and myself )I space out the meeting with this person. Hell if I am strong enough I use these feelings to help heal. But I deploy DB on that person and loving detatch from them. Deal with my co-dependancy issues.

Then test the water again with them when I have delt that issue. But always keeping to my boundaries on friendships and dating.

I live my life.

Then a funny thing happens.

While I am living my life.

Life happens.

[chatterbug]

Remember a crush is a crush.

You no longer sell girlguide cookies or write on your binders or store your books in a locker.

You do not introduce people as " just a friend " or "this is my friend ...."

You say So and so this is so and so.

Your a big girl now and can deal with a crush. Maybe even a few crushes at the same time.

You know its not love.

Love is work. Love requires times. Love is work.