Additionally, you are writing a lot of stuff to him that is educating him as to the law. Why tip your hand like that. Now he knows what he has to fight against. You would be giving away your head start.
I am amazed at your strength. Truly. You are an amazing woman!
I am glad you wrote the letter for YOU. I wrote my H some horrible letters that I never sent but my goodness, they felt great to write!
I kept the info I had about my H and his affair under wraps for 5 months. He knew I knew *something* but had NO IDEA the amount of evidence I had. I really can relate to how difficult it is to keep all this to yourself but it will help you when it comes settlement time. If your H isn't on board with the settlement then you have a very powerful bargaining chip on your side that your attny will be more than happy to use to your advantage.
As I told my H, you want to play dangerous games... no problem. Just remember I can play too My H and I settled about 95% of our affairs between us and my attny handled the rest. Lets just say I am very pleased with the settlement I got myself.
Do not give your H any info at all. I know it might just be one of the hardest things you have to do. For me it was life altering but in the end I am so glad I listened to my attny and followed the plan.
I have revised the letter to omit this part (This is to your advantage because a moving truck would have relocated your belongings to OW’s apartment in (city) already, as I’m sure you would be more comfortable there and she wouldn’t mind taking you in for a while while we go through this process.) The rest will remain and taped on kitchen cabinet for him.
To PDT about emailing the letter - I didn't want to email the letter because I wasn't sure when/if H would be checking his email. And I wasn't about to send a text to him saying "you've got mail or check your email." to ensure he received it while they were gone.
Here is what I am accomplishing offensively by giving him this letter:
1) I have clearly stated to H why I have taken the money and what it will be used for. I don't want him coming to me and asking why I took it.
2) He will clearly see that I have done my research on the law (while he has not) and he can't kick me out of the house nor withdrawal his financial support (stop paying any of the bills, even if he should choose to leave at this point). These have been a part of his continued threats and now that his secret is out, it protects me because he won't be able to retaliate in this manner.
3) It gives him a clue that I now know about all of his activities and should he choose to fight this and not accept settlement, it will cost him more in the end. He will see that this is his one time only offer to take to resolve things more quickly and less costly.
4) This is helping to get things moving more quickly along MY timeline, not his, because his would be never-ending.
As with what Kimmie said - yes, this is curtailed to someone like my H, not for your general person who would be up for a fight at all costs even though they are clearly in the wrong. Also, H already has one legal strike on record against him for the very thing that he is involved with now. And there are plenty of more suprise elements ahead should he want to go contested.
Me-34 XH-33 No Kids We were M-12Y T-15Y 5/09 Same house-separate bedrooms 01/10 I filed for D / H moved out 09/16/10 Divorced
I am amazed at your strength. Truly. You are an amazing woman!
I am glad you wrote the letter for YOU. I wrote my H some horrible letters that I never sent but my goodness, they felt great to write!
I kept the info I had about my H and his affair under wraps for 5 months. He knew I knew *something* but had NO IDEA the amount of evidence I had. I really can relate to how difficult it is to keep all this to yourself but it will help you when it comes settlement time. If your H isn't on board with the settlement then you have a very powerful bargaining chip on your side that your attny will be more than happy to use to your advantage.
As I told my H, you want to play dangerous games... no problem. Just remember I can play too My H and I settled about 95% of our affairs between us and my attny handled the rest. Lets just say I am very pleased with the settlement I got myself.
Do not give your H any info at all. I know it might just be one of the hardest things you have to do. For me it was life altering but in the end I am so glad I listened to my attny and followed the plan.
You *can* do this. I know you can.
In my state there are contested and uncontested divorce lawyers, I am trying to keep these proceedings to uncontested where I obtain the lawyer, H and I do the settlement agreement and sign, lawyer does paperwork and we're divorced. If he doesn't agree to settlement, then we would each have to get contested lawyers and which is considerably more expensive (I don't have the money and neither does H right now). I am trying to prevent that with cluing H in that I know enough for him to not want to go that route. Does that make sense or is everyone still thinking I shouldn't let him know?
Me-34 XH-33 No Kids We were M-12Y T-15Y 5/09 Same house-separate bedrooms 01/10 I filed for D / H moved out 09/16/10 Divorced
You know your H best and obviously you are thinking clearly. You mentioned you saw an attny so listening to legal counsel is best. That being said I thought I would just counter your points as sadly I do have some experience in this area.
My H tried to fight things. In fact, he backed out of signing our final agreement not once but twice just hours before it was due as per the judge in our case. All that resulted in was the judge getting rather pissed and my H's legal fees mounting (he was required to pay all my legal fees as per the settlement and they could not come from joint funds - told you I was not playing games, lol. The second time he backed out of the agreement at 5pm in the afternoon (the Agreement was to be filed at 9am the NEXT DAY) I essentially told my attny that I was not going to budge on my stance and I was fully prepared to go to trial and if we did go to trial it would not have been just my H and I in the courtroom. Once that info was passed to my H magically the signed agreement appeared.
Your H did not ask you if he could take out money to fund his affair so I am not sure (unless your legal counsel has advised you otherwise) why you would need to inform him of your withdrawal for a retainer. Plus, you should be asking him to pay all your legal fees anyhow IMO.
If you plan to retain your attny tomorrow then whatever he tries to do (kick you out of the house, stop paying bills) your attny should be able to get some immediate orders in place.
My take on things with my H was it was not my job to educate him on the law or give him any "heads up". If your H would like to be educated about divorce in your state he can retain his own counsel.
While my H was not w/a prostitute, just a "lady", I do understand the position you are in as I was in the same one. You and I are about the same age and my H and I don't have children either.
Hi CityGirl! Thanks so much for sharing that info. Very helpful.
Originally Posted By: CityGirl
I essentially told my attny that I was not going to budge on my stance and I was fully prepared to go to trial and if we did go to trial it would not have been just my H and I in the courtroom. Once that info was passed to my H magically the signed agreement appeared.
Good for you! I am fully prepared to do this as well.
Originally Posted By: CityGirl
Your H did not ask you if he could take out money to fund his affair so I am not sure (unless your legal counsel has advised you otherwise) why you would need to inform him of your withdrawal for a retainer. Plus, you should be asking him to pay all your legal fees anyhow IMO.
The funds came from the joint checking account which I don't use. H has been the only one using that account, so essentially he is paying for it. If he should choose to go contested later on then I will ask that he reimburse any legal fees should I have to pay them.
Me-34 XH-33 No Kids We were M-12Y T-15Y 5/09 Same house-separate bedrooms 01/10 I filed for D / H moved out 09/16/10 Divorced
AFG, I said I needed to think about your letter... I dunno there was something about it that "didn't feel right." At this moment there are TWO things you need to know (and people are trying to tell you.)
1. Knowledge is power 2. Subterfuge and the element of surprise are your friends.
Feedback on points 1-4:
1) You don't owe your H an explanation for anything.
When he asks, AFG: "Something came up and I needed the money urgently." Him: "WHAT?!!!? ^#$^#$%YTG$%&# etc." AFG: "I'm sorry you feel that way. All I can tell you is that it was important for my well-being. You wouldn't want me to die, would you?" <--- important... DEFLECTION.
2) You DO NOT want him to know that you have done research, are legally competent and completely clued up. ESPECIALLY when he is NOT in the same room with you. This will gear him up into BATTLE MODE. Panic and fear will drive him into protecting his ass-ets. Anyway he can.
3) You do not want to reveal your evidence beforehand. You use it at "the trial" to convince him it's better for both of you if he does things YOUR way.
4) You move things along much quicker when you do it face to face in a cool, calm, collected and confident manner. You don't do that with a letter or email.
If this is what you want to achieve you meet him in a coffee shop/public place tomorrow. You tell him what you want. You DO NOT reveal how clued up you are. He will go and do his own research.
Yes, I know that you're in a hurry. The truth is these things take time. ESPECIALLY because it's the holidays now. The GOOD and successful lawyers are all at ski-resorts or on the beach right now, only the crappy ones trying to eek out an existence are left behind.
You telling him how he stands in the eyes on the law will not go down very well. This will provoke him to get his own opinion. Him finding these things out on your own works more to your advantage.
M:11 | T:12 | Status: Married 4C's of WAS communication: Cool, Calm, Collected and CONFIDENT
I know this is tough but I have to agree - tell him nothing.
I am certainly not an attny but having been wrapped up in the nightmare that is NY state legal system for 18 months I really learned the importance of two things (1) Patience (2) KEEPING MY MOUTH SHUT.
I don't know what state you are in or what the divorce laws are but if it's a joint checking account then I would think (again, I could be way off base) that you are entitled to at least 50% off that account no matter if you use it or not. If your name is on it, it's half yours. As I see it you *are* paying for your legal fees.
It doesn't matter if your H has the money or not. He can get a loan, a second job, have his wages garnished or work out a payment plan with the firm you choose. NOT YOUR PROBLEM!
I know you just want to grab him and shake the crap out of him (been there) but you have such a position of power here and the best way to use it is to give him NO INFO!
I essentially told my attny that I was not going to budge on my stance and I was fully prepared to go to trial and if we did go to trial it would not have been just my H and I in the courtroom. Once that info was passed to my H magically the signed agreement appeared.
And that my dear was an ACE MOVE! Contrary to popular belief opposing council does talk to each other. They make deals between each other to make their own lives easier.
I can GUARANTEE you that when XH's lawyer (let's call him Jack) spoke to your L the response was: "Jack, I wish there was a way we could work things out, but this girl is hellbent dude. There's no negotiating with her, even if I tried. She's even prepared to go to trial. And we both know your guy doesn't have much of a leg to stand on. Advise your client its in his best interest to take the deal."
M:11 | T:12 | Status: Married 4C's of WAS communication: Cool, Calm, Collected and CONFIDENT
My H and I settled about 95% of our affairs between us and my attny handled the rest. Lets just say I am very pleased with the settlement I got myself. 