Is this the end of my marriage?

[P17]

The house is ready for Xmas. I've put the pics on my FB page. They were not great as they were taken on my mobile, but they are something just now. Tree looks FANTASTIC even if I do say so myself. Now looking forward to Xmas, although I now also need to go and clean up as the house looks just a little tiny bit messy

Xmas has also given me a bit of a revelation. Out of the mess that W and OM created, I'm actually the one who has come out of this the best. I never thought about that until last night.

She has left, got a new house just a stones throw away, bought and paid for by daddy, had all of her debts paid off by daddy, has a new OM that she can play slap and tickle with and be happy with. She will wake up on Xmas day with her loser OM, who smokes (read previous posts it's a big deal to her), seems to have an attitude problem, has had cold feet so many times I'm surprised he doesn't have frost bite, and she will be constantly reminded of the family she left, guilt, upset and hurt. Oh, and anger. Her parents, last time I spoke, said they were going to come up for Xmas but she didn't think they were as they hadn't all of the previous years. She was a bit disappointed with that. Maybe they will, maybe they won't.

Me, I have my house, my job, my inner strength, no-guilt, upset, some anger (although no where near as much as a few days ago), a warm bed (thank the lord for electric blankets!).

Looks like she is winning there, and that's what I always say. Until last night. All of the stuff she has is superficial. The money, the house, the A with OM. It's all superficial and fake nonsense.

I have my strength, my courage, my hope and I have good friends who support me. Most of all though, I have D. D will wake up on Xmas day and want the presents Santa left for her. I have a house that is beautifully decorated. I have some of my motivation back and most of all I have some peace that Xmas this year will be good.

You can't buy that stuff.

On top of all of that, I have been given a second chance at happiness, with W or with somebody else. I have also been given a lesson in how a R works and how I can be a better boyfriend / partner / husband. These are hard lessons as cutter said, but they are valuable lessons. These are the lessons that W hasn't learned and is unlikely to learn. She will make the same mistakes with OM1 as she did with me, and then when she leaps into a new R with OM2, OM3, OM4 (as she can't stand being on her own) she will make the same with them.

Vent over.

[Day by Day]

Xmas has also given me a bit of a revelation. Out of the mess that W and OM created, I'm actually the one who has come out of this the best. I never thought about that until last night.

I have my strength, my courage, my hope and I have good friends who support me. Most of all though, I have D. D will wake up on Xmas day and want the presents Santa left for her. I have a house that is beautifully decorated. I have some of my motivation back and most of all I have some peace that Xmas this year will be good.

You can't buy that stuff.

On top of all of that, I have been given a second chance at happiness, with W or with somebody else. I have also been given a lesson in how a R works and how I can be a better boyfriend / partner / husband. These are hard lessons as cutter said, but they are valuable lessons. These are the lessons that W hasn't learned and is unlikely to learn. She will make the same mistakes with OM1 as she did with me, and then when she leaps into a new R with OM2, OM3, OM4 (as she can't stand being on her own) she will make the same with them.

You are so right P17. I now believe how they say that the LBS come out better from this because of all the effort we put into trying to save the marriage and improving ourselves. We grow during this pain while WAS is stuck and doesn't improve at all and is doomed to repeat the same mistakes with other R.

I'm so happy to read how strong you sound and all the things you are doing for YOURSELF and D! Happy to read that you are going on with having a nice Xmas with D and decorating happily. Good for you.

[sandi2]

Me, I have my house, my job, my inner strength, no-guilt, upset, some anger (although no where near as much as a few days ago), a warm bed (thank the lord for electric blankets!).

Looks like she is winning there, and that's what I always say. Until last night. All of the stuff she has is superficial. The money, the house, the A with OM. It's all superficial and fake nonsense.

I have my strength, my courage, my hope and I have good friends who support me. Most of all though, I have D. D will wake up on Xmas day and want the presents Santa left for her. I have a house that is beautifully decorated. I have some of my motivation back and most of all I have some peace that Xmas this year will be good.

You can't buy that stuff.

Amen!

[chatterbug]

Its a car seat. Let it go. For now. Come back to it in a few months.

And I hope she does forget about you for awhile. Lets her live her life,,, you live yours with your daughter.

She is not playing the game. She has no idea what your doing. You are in control. This is your life.

[P17]

Its a car seat. Let it go. For now. Come back to it in a few months.

It's cool about the car seat. I was more using it to show that W is being out of character and has thrown a strop.

She is not playing the game. She has no idea what your doing. You are in control. This is your life.

Yep, and I have control of it back. She no longer affects me the way she did. I will have good and bad days but there are more good than bad now.

I can't help wondering if we will ever get a second chance if she forgets me. You must wonder the same stuff yourself cutter? NC is great for us but there seems little window for the WAS to return (I know NC is for us, but most of us want a to rebuild our M) - but then that's just the nature of NC / LRT.

[newmama]

SHE WILL NOT forget you! I know it feels like it has been forever but it has only been 4 months. It's really pretty early to be thinking it's over between you two. Seriously- I guarantee the vets would agree with me!

From what I see about NC is that it does force the WAS to get all of their needs met by OP. Since OP is not the LBS, then the WAS ends up short, meaning the OP doesn't quite fulfill them the same way after the initial honeymoon phase wears off.

Hang in there! You are doing a very very good job! Brilliant, right?

[P17]

SHE WILL NOT forget you! I know it feels like it has been forever but it has only been 4 months. It's really pretty early to be thinking it's over between you two.

I have never met a woman who is as warm, loving and caring as my wife. But she has two sides to her. She is involved in amateur dramatics and she has a public face that is kind, caring, warm and you will NEVER EVER see what the real her is. I think I am one of the few people to ever see the real her.

The real her can be just like her public face. The real her at work was always caring, supportive and kind to her friends and colleagues. The number of people who said what a great person she was and what a great couple we were, what a great husband I was and that she was lucky were numerous. Since the split, her colleagues (as I said before) have saw her change.

But the real her can also be the coldest and most heartless woman I have ever met. I have encountered that woman once before now and if her aunt didn't get involved, I would never have been married in the first place.

The reason I am telling you this is that I think she is putting those walls up again, ten times stronger. Her step-D has been taken from her and I have taken myself from her. I think she will close up shop and move on completely now. She may not forget us, but I think she will never allow herself to think about us. She has been through this many times in her teenage years with her mother and father abandoning her, her mother doing it several times. She knows how to handle rejection. She knows how to move on. She is a messed up girl who is broken.

It's really only been almost a month since the last face to face contact. 4 months since the split. 2 months since OM moved in. I know that is a drop in the ocean to what some people are and have gone through. My new goal is to find patience.

Seriously- I guarantee the vets would agree with me!

Vets ... comments?

From what I see about NC is that it does force the WAS to get all of their needs met by OP. Since OP is not the LBS, then the WAS ends up short, meaning the OP doesn't quite fulfill them the same way after the initial honeymoon phase wears off.

Hang in there! You are doing a very very good job! Brilliant, right?

I will hang in there. I have no other option! I can't go back from NC as that won't accomplish anything. The only choice I have is keep NC, build myself up, GAL and hope that we may get a second chance (I keep saying we, rather than I as we both need to accept each other not just her coming back to me).

[chatterbug]

P17 Who wants a second chance? We are a first choice of sharing and growing. No chance in that my friend. Happiness , sadness, fear and pain. We freely share those out. We freely offer sharing experiences and growing and learning and adapthing.

She would be lucky to even releaize that a " second chance " existed. For we control choice. Our choice. Darkness gives one the ability to learn this lesson that we have forgotten. In times of stress our we all react differently. But it is afterwards. How we adapt. How we learn. How we change that truely defines our character.

You Sir are a strong person. Soon you will see this. Any time you have doubt look into your daughters eyes and give her a hug.

[newmama]

P, I thought you meant "we" as in you and your wife.

Do you read other infidelity forums? The WS act like aliens.They are cold. They do not act like their old selves. EVERY WS IS LIKE THIS WHILE IN THE FOG!

Truth is, she may just give up on contacting you for awhile... but from what I read it's not permanent. They tend to reach out for some reason. The LBS is better off assuming they won't hear from the WAS again so they can detach and get used to not expecting to hear anything.

Do you want hope or to move on? I just have a feeling that people have a harder time moving on if they still hold onto hope.

[P17]

P17 Who wants a second chance? We are a first choice of sharing and growing. No chance in that my friend. Happiness , sadness, fear and pain. We freely share those out. We freely offer sharing experiences and growing and learning and adapthing.

Cutter, you have a way with words that causes me to read your posts two to three times before I get them. I'm not sure if that's intentional or not but what you say makes sense.

The word 'chance' was maybe misplaced. I just keep remembering the old Frank Sinatra line of 'love is sweeter the second time around'.

She would be lucky to even releaize that a " second chance " existed.

Unfortunately I told her, sort of, in the NC letter I take your point though.

For we control choice. Our choice. Darkness gives one the ability to learn this lesson that we have forgotten.

That is DEAD ON THE BUTTON.

It has made me realise that I am not a victim in this. I am not at the mercy of my W. I am not at the mercy of anybody. I am me. I control who I am. I control what I do. I control with whom I do it. Damn anybody who says otherwise.

In times of stress our we all react differently. But it is afterwards. How we adapt. How we learn. How we change that truely defines our character.

On the button again. As somebody who works for himself I always say that it's not what we do wrong that matters (as we ALL do stupid things at some point) but how we deal with it that matters.

You Sir are a strong person. Soon you will see this. Any time you have doubt look into your daughters eyes and give her a hug.

I know I am a strong person. I am almost back to the person that I was when W met me - strong, determined, loving and focused. Oh and fun.