Coping with Bi-Polar WAW

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I'd suggest that the next time she is more than 30 minutes late, you pack up your son and head out and do something with him. Don't call or text her, and don't leave her a note.

She'll eventually text you with an "I just got here -- where are you guys??" Ignore that for 2 hours, then give her a "Oh, I just saw this. We've been busy. I'll have him back by 6" (or whatever).

When you come back with him, tell her (out of your son's earshot) that "I have decided that I will no longer allow (son) to be kept waiting, disappointed, because his mother can't seem to make him a priority in his life. Next time, I'll expect the courtesy of a call, and for you to be on time for him, or else I will take him to do something he enjoys."

END OF DISCUSSION.

Puppy

[CountingCrows]

Excellent approach, PDT. I like that. I'll definitely do that.

[CountingCrows]

RW, I didn't get a chance to mention the disrespect issue with W this afternoon, or the fact that I will be doing the delivery/pickup for S7's visits. She is dropping him off at 5pm, so I'm going to say something then.

I may just combine this with the message that PDT mentioned into a single boundary, saying "When you are chronically late picking up S7 at an agreed upon time, I feel that you are disrespecting him and me. I've decided that if you can't show S7 that he is a priority in your life by being on time, the next time it happens I will take him to do something that he enjoys and you will miss out on that visit."

[CountingCrows]

Didn't get a chance to say anything. W dropped off S7 about 10 minutes late, made sure I was here and left right away for the banquet she was running late for. She asked me to call her tomorrow if I wanted S7 to come over and play with his friend.

Feeling pretty bummed. Anger has passed and evolved into something sadder. With such short notice that S7 wasn't spending the night with W tonight, I wasn't able to arrange for a babysitter, so I'm not going to get to go out tonight and play guitar with my friend like I'd planned. Think I'll take S7 to the bookstore instead.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Didn't get a chance to say anything. W dropped off S7 about 10 minutes late, made sure I was here and left right away for the banquet she was running late for. She asked me to call her tomorrow if I wanted S7 to come over and play with his friend.

That's ok. With her, I'm certain you'll get another chance again VERY soon.

Puppy

[CountingCrows]

Yep, I know I'll get the chance to speak my mind soon enough.

I've been reading a lot of threads here about exposure of A, and thinking of ways that I could bust W's A. OM recently turned 28yo and lives with his high-school sweetheart in a house that they bought together. The story of their R as presented by OM to my W is that they really don't have much of a R and are living together primarily because of the joint financial obligation. However, I think that OMGF believes that it's more of a R than OM does.

Right after I confronted W about PA with OM, he stopped responding to repeated texts/calls from W. He finally briefly explained his concerns about OMGF and his fears that I could contact her. He told W that OMGF is VERY mentally unstable and he was quite sure that she would attempt suicide. At the time, I had not read DB/DR or this forum (didn't even know they existed). Naively believing the story of unstable OMGF, I promised W that I wouldn't expose A to OMGF. This was SO IGNORANT on my part!

After a few days, W met with OM to let him know that I had no intentions of contacting OMGF, as "we" didn't want to have her "blood on our hands" should she do something drastic. OM explained that W and he could be "only friends", as he was under the false impression that W and I were already separated and he didn't want to break up our family. At the time, I thought that W was being honest with me and I truly believed that she was remorseful for her "single incident of bad judgement" and really wanted me and our M. I realize now that I could have probably busted the A right then, if I hadn't agreed that I wouldn't contact OMGF (hindsight 20/20).

This was early July...the beginning of the time period when W was trying to show me that she wanted to "work things out". She cut off all contact with her other male friends. She stopped going out and running around with her friends and stayed home with me. She only occasionally went over to her girlfriend's house to watch a movie or work on crafts. But at home, she was mentally distant and barely a warm body around the house. She spend most of her time sitting in front of her computer, spending large amounts of money on unneeded things from Ebay. When we did attempt to communicate, it usually ended up in fights with her saying that "I was never going to trust her again". She reminded me that she was here with me, and that was the only thing she could do to prove to me that she was seriously trying to work things out.

Several times post-PA exposure, W mentioned that she had encountered OM. She said she had bumped into him when taking photos at a concert and said she was very uncomfortable and just ignored him. Later, W said that she and a friend (now roommate) had dropped by the gift (head) shop that he worked at a couple of times, as her friend was interested in dating him. W told me that she had to come clean with her friend and let her know he was the OM that she had cheated on me with. W told me that she encouraged her friend to go out with OM and that her friend had gone on some dates and had even had sex with OM. W told me that I knew she wasn't into "sloppy seconds" as a way to deflect any concerns that she was still interested in OM.

W was afraid that OM dating her friend would make me uncomfortable, and worried that I'd ask her to cut off their friendship. I really thought she was being straight with me, and that the R with OM was over. It wasn't until the end of Oct when I found her secret phone that I faced the reality that I had enabled W and OM to continue their R behind my back, and that they had continued to have constant daily text message contact the entire time...from early morning (sometimes while she was still in bed with me) until last thing at night.

Now, I'm seriously doubting my promise to not contact OMGF, as it did seem to affect OM when he thought I would expose A to her. It may be too late in the game to do anything, and breaking my promise to W would likely bring W's wrath upon me. Of course, W will ignore the fact that she broke her promise to me that she was cutting off all contact with OM, yet continued the A.

I don't have any current intel on OM and W's current communications like I did when I was able to capture all the cell phone records. But I do still have records for most of the Summer/Fall, all the way until a few weeks after W moved out. Should I attempt to bust this A by exposing A to OMGF? Should I tell W that I'm going to expose A to OMGF, or just contact OMGF directly and let her know what has been going on? Or is it just too late, since I didn't do this when I had current intel on their contact?

I know that exposure of A to OMW or OMGF is a highly debatable subject here on the forum, but this is something that has been weighing heavily on my mind lately. I don't want to be in LimboLand forever. It seems that W has replaced her "best friend" (me) with OM for most of her ENs (and PNs?), even though she left so that she could "spend time alone to work on herself". I don't feel that she will ever feel the full consequences of her decisions as long as someone else is meeting those needs for her.

[Kettricken]

I'm sure the infidelity heavy hitters will be along to throw down soon.

Personally, there's something kinda icky about a situation involving four people where three people know an important secret and the fourth is oblivious. I'm all for disclosure.

The suicide/unstable thing..... well, for my money, if OM was all that concerned about her oh-so-fragile mental state, he'd not have been running around town with your wife, would he now? I don't mean to sound insensitive, but the mental/emotional states of others are not your responsibility, and I think everyone has a right to know about their mate's infidelity. Nobody can predict how she will react. It might, in fact, be liberating.

The only time I think it's skeevy to reveal is when it's motivated strictly by vengeance.

In your case, would it harm or help the chances of your marriage? Impossible to say (IMHO).

What do you think is the right thing to do?

[CountingCrows]

Thanks for the input, K. Although I couldn't say this at the time that W moved out, it's not about vengeance anymore.

Would it harm or help the chance of our M...I feel in my heart it would harm it. I don't know the true nature of W and OM's current R. All I have to go on is the amount of texting they were still at before she changed phones 4 weeks ago. For all I know at this point, the greener pasture is going brown. They may truly be just friends (rather than "just friends") at this point. I do still feel that having the 4th person aware of what has happened in the past could put pressure on OM, but honestly don't know if it's the right thing to do.

I do know that if W were to come to me and sincerely ask to reconcile our M, I would still stand firm with my boundary that OM can not be in her life in any manner. This is non-negotiable, regardless of the nature of their R. After the initial betrayal and the continued lies and deceit regarding him, this is a deal-breaker for me.

Today, I took S7 over to W's apartment to play with her roommate's D6. They got involved in a craft project and I talked with W again for a few minutes alone. We discussed some details about Christmas Eve/Day (she wants to be with us, her family, for the holiday) and some upcoming events like next weekend, when S7 and I will be attending a Christmas event. S7 won't be spending the night with her again until the day after Christmas. I also told her about S7 and my plans to go to Disney World in mid-January and filled her in on the dates.

W apologized again for her tardiness again, and said I had every right to be upset. She said that it was something that she had spent a lot of time talking to her IC about and is trying hard to change that incredibly bad trait. I didn't give her the entire speech I had planned, but told her that it was unacceptable to me for her to treat me and S7 with such disrespect. She said she understood. Unfortunately, I didn't finalize the boundary with the consequences of future tardiness, but I know that I will have another opportunity to fully present those consequences soon enough.

At one point, she mentioned again how she had never worked so hard, only to be a failure and told me that she didn't understand how I could even still want her. I just shook my head, put my hand on my heart, stood up and said that I needed to get back home to work on the bathroom remodeling. She followed me to the door, asked for a hug and held me tight, whispering in my ear "I DO still love you".

I can't tell if it's the DBing that's working, seasonal depression, or simply the fact that she's fearful for her future financial situation...but it seems that the dynamics of our R are changing.

[tristan]

Hi CC,

You are handling yourself very well. I am very happy for you. I won't give any advice on revealing the affair. Personally, I was the 4th to find out about my W's A and I do wish the OM's W would have told me.

Keep up the good work, you should be proud of yourself.
-T

[CountingCrows]

Thanks for the comment, Tristan.

I don't know what's up with the A at this point. I'm not even sure there's still a A to reveal anymore. W has been throwing me curveballs over the past few days, and I'm trying to absorb/evaluate and plan my next steps. I'll have to go into this in a separate post after work.

I AM proud of myself for getting this far for myself and S7. I definitely have my emotions a lot more in check considering I'm only 7 weeks into our separation. Not that I don't have my bad days, but the pain is at least a little more tolerable. Comments like your do give me encouragement and make me realize how far I've come. I just have to keep working at it.