Waiting More Than a Dozen Years

[TeaEarlGreyHot]

Virginia:

You summarized my current situation well. The real opening was her saying, in the midst of all this, "I hope I've allowed you to be who you really are."

No, absolutely not. And we went from there.

But when it came down to putting sexual intimacy back into the relationship, her answer was no. I could say there is always hope that she might reconsider, given what was said (and no I did not threaten to walk away or go off and do a "Tiger Woods" on her, though I doubt I would have gotten a different answer).

Now, to answer your questions: Yes, I am that good at "disassociation." It's not something I have to remember to do, it is who I am. It does, however, require a level of self-awareness to keep from purely reacting, being nothing more than a machine that responds and reacts to stimulus.

Look at the reaction above your reply. I gave specific answers to the machinery and pointed out where the machinery was running and took the answers I gave and turned it into something that I did not say. There you see a stimulus/response reaction machine in action running exactly as programmed. And because that machinery is running, it is unable to separate "what is happening" in specific and measurable terms and what he is saying about it and telling himself what it "really means."

There is an expectation of the way things should be and I am not immune to it. However, there is a great likelihood that I will notice it on my own rather than it being pointed out to me.

Is it okay to have a marriage in which there is no sexual intimacy given what we say is "needed?" From the standpoint of the expectation, the answer is "no." And that answer requires the expectation having more weight than the acknowledgement of what is real and actually happening.

The answer in this marriage is there is no person I can be, no thing that I can do that will alter this sexless marriage into one that is sexually intimate. How do I know? Because I've been explicitly told that. I was told that more than 11 and a half years ago after the first year of no sexual intimacy and it's been confirmed just a couple of months ago.

"Waitng" (as resistance) was futile.