Glad to hear from you, I just wrote a really long post and my computer crashed lost everything. Don't have time to recreate right now, as H has left behind so many loose ties and I am stuck with the cleanup.
Because of that don't know if I will be visiting Colorado in the next couple of weeks, could sure use some CO sunshine.
Had purposely stayed away from e-mail yesterday and when I read his e-mail how hurt he was I had not responded I was furious. I let it ruin the rest of my night and spent a couple of hours putting together a brief, breezy two sentence response, "I've been busy...let me know when you go to bank as your bill pays before you left were bigger than normal so right now you may be a couple of hundred dollars short on your withdrawal amount until mid next week (did not include this statement but it is because he had to pay his credit card bills, attorney, medical insurance, cash for leaving, etc.) that has left me with a few dollars until next week. I could take out of money market to cover right now but it is the weekend and won't do me much good. I was told to keep my e-mail responses businesslike or to not respond. It is so incredibly hard, I just want to tell him exactly how I feel.
The other thing that drove me crazy he had planned on doing the banking stuff last Thursday so could not help thinking maybe he had changed his mind and was reaching out for me to tell him not to wire the money and come home. So, another night with little sleep. I kept thinking I could always write another e-mail, one a little more personal and say what I was feeling above - so glad I did not - there was no way that would have done any good it would have zapped all my energy waiting for another response from him to see what he might say...I've got to face - no matter what he left me, he is divorcing me and I need to get off the roller coaster ride right now before I puke.
It would be very difficult at this juncture to deal as you are with H coming over and calling, it would be agonizing to parse over every word/meaning looking for something positive, but just try not to...they will continue to suck as much energy as they can from us. I read yesterday pretend we are single and dating, we meet our H's as they are acting right now would we want to get involved? I wouldn't!!! This is going to be a long journey, believe me I had hope and who am I kidding, still hoping H will appear at my door, hold me close and declare his love for me. That would be awesome, on the other hand if he came back this quick that euphoria would probably not last more than 48 hours. I know he is struggling because I usually have taken care of everything for him so no doubt he is really feeling sorry for himself.
He has left me with an incredible work mess and with people I thought he would have told what is happening but didn't. I have given so much of my energy tried absolutely every approach to keep our marriage going but I cannot deal with someone who's thinking is so skewed so selfish. In your case you are dealing with 3 teenagers and in his case he has decided to leave home and all you can do is hope the best for him, hope he makes the right decisions and hope he understands all the love/caring/compassion he has been given and is grateful and appreciative and wants to come home, misses home.
Was thinking of all the time that has passed leading up to this decision so I know wishing or hoping for something positive so soon is too much to ask for and I need to prepare 'as if' this is permanent. This is what gets me down the most, pulling back and not being able to say what I want not having the luxury of seeing him to say something else.
I also realize that I am a strong person and have dealt with many disappointments/loss and have always found happiness in my little family and even though life is not as I had planned or maybe wanted was grateful everyday for what I had. With that came the realization that H has always given up on things too easy, been so quick to judge others and never been content or grateful for what he has...he is really blaming his family/childhood and unfortunately it was not perfect (whose was) but it certainly never included abuse/abandonment/addiction/or being poor. H is kind of weak and maybe just could not do the hard work of maintaining our marriage it was easier to withdraw and seek out something else. Someone has said he needs to grow up and live in the adult world, hmmm?
Maybe during this fragile period of time you could leave when H is there. It would be very difficult to not be there but I am not hearing his visits leave you feeling better.
Are the street performers still out on Pearl Street this time of year? If so, go for a stroll or just get out of the house for an activity. Staying in can get a bit depressing. H basically left everything but his clothes. His sister is coming over today with plastic tubs to put some of his things in and store them for me. She is helping me make this place my own.
Wishing you the best today and keep in touch. Bummed I lost my original post to you, and know I am missing something I wanted to pass along but my short term memory is really scattered.
Hugs, Michele
M 42 H 41 Together 23 years Married 16 years Bomb 5/16/09 D papers filed H left 12/9/09 Taking it one day at a time
