Ok, I am amazed at the number of military spouses here who claim that adultery is severely dealt with, and still, I have yet to see these consequences enforced.
LOL. I have seen the consequences enforced, but the wronged spouse has to make an effort. I saw it firsthand when my husband went after my ex-OM.
You're right, a lot of the time the rules are NOT enforced. Commanders sweep offenses under the rug or don't push hard enough for punishment. Many times in a situation like mine, the spouse won't push either because it's themselves they end up hurting. Because the first thing that happens is they get an article 15, lose rank, and lose pay. When bills are barely being covered as it is, it is hard to attack your source of income, no matte how much you want to.
And you have to be able to prove it usually. "he said" "she said" doesn't get it done. Even with proof, typically the military will find another reason to get rid of a philandering soldier, allowing him to be honorably discharged without disciplinary action.
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
My H received a no contact order. He was not to see the OW, phone her, or go within 300 ft of her home, workplace, or car. If he chose to disobey that, he would be disobeying a direct order. And the best part is... that non contact order is a pretty big deal, and it stays in their records forever. It could affect his ability to get his security clearances in the future.
I think that the main reason that it is rarely enforced is that there has to be some pretty substantial proof to back up the punishments.
I think that you exposing her to her family is very different from exposing him. I told on my ex to his command. At one point, he asked "Do you want me to go to jail?" I laughed "Do you want to tell me why I should care?" It was the only thing that I felt I had any power to do. And YOU arent getting him in trouble. He did a pretty good job of doing that himself.
I think that it is in your favor that the OW is in Va. My ex's OW was not quite that far away, and though they talked several times a day, things very quickly cooled off. It seems that a married woman who is willing to sleep with a married man, is also willing to take another boyfriend as soon at the first two men are out of town! She "cheated" on him and broke his heart. And I would be surprised if the OW in your sitch turned out to be more virtuous.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
Thanks, blue. That actually is what I needed to start my day on a better note.
Until now it used to be hard to get up and out of bed because at least in my dreams my life was "normal," what it should be. But last night I started having awful nightmares. It's like my mind fixated on the A and developed every cruel thing he could possibly do in living color. That's gotta be the first time I've been glad when a child woke me up at 2 am. So it was a long night.
As for her distance being in my favor...:D yeah I thought of that too. When I left my H during my A I moved home and my ex-OM was supposed to join me as soon as he was finished clearing the military. Ironic, isn't it, how blind I was? If he was able to cheat with me, how hard did I really think it would be to cheat on me? I'm hoping that she finds someone else and "dumps" my husband. I'm not counting on it, though. And once we can get a house and move there he will have to see me every day, doing 180's and GAL. There's something to be said for exposure.
I've decided not to contact her directly - that validates her position. But if my H continues to contact her after I get moved, well...I think her parents deserve to know what sort of unhealthy relationship she's in. I'll bet that when he went to visit around Thanksgiving (instead of coming straight home to be with his family btw!) they didn't bother to inform her parents that he is married with three babies. Or that he could lose his job and go to jail for this. And that she(the OW) knew it from the beginning and went to see him on the training base. How many parents do you think would be pleased by that?
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
I dont think that they will be pleased, but I also wouldnt expect them to be jumping on the bandwagon with you either. A lot of times that kind of thing doesnt give us the satisfaction that we expect.
If he does contuinue contact with her, it is extremely disrespectful! I would lay down a boundary, "I will not share my husband, what you are doing is disrespectul to me and our family" and then expose away! You may be able to bust the affair, but whats really going to turn his head is the 180's and the GALing. Have you looked into what kinds of things there are to do where you are moving?
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
From all the pictures I've seen, the area is beautiful. I'm thinking of taking up photography. And there are wineries, rodeos, skating, a nearby Indian Reservation with cultural encounters.
The big thing I'm looking into is the hiking and biking in the surrounding area. My H and I used to go hiking a lot when we were dating. Once he agrees to ditch the OW I want him to come along again. It will give us something to do together and some common ground. But until then it will get me out of the house, getting healthier, and showing him I can be happy with or without him.
There are night clubs too, but I think I'll avoid that scene - as cutter points out I have a problem with boundaries, as well as impulse control. It's something I'm working on, but no need to make it any harder.
I know that the OW's parents may not believe me, or may not care. But it will make me feel better I don't want to tell my family, and his interferes enough already. But even a slim chance to cause her some discomfort is enough to start with.
What about the letter to my in-laws? I want to tell them to butt out, and I think my H needs to see I'm not going to be a doormat for them (or anyone else)anymore. But as I said, impulse control and judgment are still weak area for me. I have the rule of three now. I have to ask three people uninvolved in the situation whatever it may be before taking actions that could be...problematic.
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
Do his parents know that hes involved in an affair? How have they reacted? I think that if you do write a letter to them, it should just be plain, factual and show that you hope that the marriage can be saved. Stay away from trying to get them to take sides, or even asking them for sympathy. Then, I would go dark about it to them. If they do already know, I would just tell them that you are hopeful that things can get better, and you are trying to get your things together for the move. Stay upbeat and dont talk about your sitch to them. If they bring it up, and you change the subject and they keep at it, politely tell them that you would rather not talk about it.
I agree about the bars, if you have been unfaithful in the past, the last thing that you want to do is look like you might be on that road again.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
No, his parents don't know about his A. They just like to meddle in my life, marriage, child-rearing, anything they can. My H can't stand his family; they only talk to me at all because of the kids. I don't want to tell them about his A - they'll just heckle me.
I just want to tell them not to poke their noses in our marriage at all. I have let them push me around and held my tongue when I should have spoken up for most of five years. I think I need to stop letting my husband do my talking for me.
They don't really get "polite" or "subtle" in the least. I'm going to have to be blunt.
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
So, a lot of interesting goings-on today. First I decided to do a bit more information gathering. I intend to confront my H and his OW once I am moved. And I want to do it with the maximum amount of evidence. So I now have some e-mails between them. Interestingly enough he told her early on that he is single. I don’t know if he ever came clean with her about me and the kids, but it’s something to think about. Thankfully I have not found anything explicitly sexual. I’m printing off hard copies and storing them well outside his reach for future use.
So I was in an…agitated frame of mind when my MIL called. I decided I should wait until I calmed down to deal with her. So instead of waiting for me to return her call, she calls my parents’ home phone. Dad told her I was unavailable. Then my H called. I guess his mom wanted to know if he’d relax some of the rules concerning our kids while they (my in-laws) visit this weekend. He called and told me he’d said yes. I wasn’t pleased but I’ll survive. When I called her back to confirm the weekend plans she immediately launched into an account of how he’d agreed.
So now I don’t need to worry about writing an e-mail. I finally said many of the things I’ve been biting back for five years. I told her how my husband and make decisions together, that my marriage is none of her business, that I will raise my children without their interference, and that if she didn’t like it that was too bad. I am the sort of person for whom the rules were everything. I’ve grown up doing everything that is expected of me and not making waves. I’ve been a doormat. But things change. I called my H back. I shouldn’t have, I know it. I had been doing so well in not contacting him. But I wanted so badly to share my amazing freedom from social niceties. Yep I tripped; you can definitely call me on that. He seemed happy that I stood up to his mom. I also hope he got the hint that I don’t intend to take things lying down anymore. Mistake #2 – I sat there and chatted with him for 45 minutes about this and that. It was pleasant, and I have missed talking to him. I tried not to sound like it, though.
One of the things I picked up in one of his e-mails to the OW is that he wants an independent woman who is not a kitchen nazi. Looking back I can see that I have been and it’s been bad. I didn’t know it was bothering him, but I wish I had. So without giving up what I know, I tried communicating today. I told him I’ve done pretty much all the cooking here at my parents’ (which is true), and asked if maybe he’d be willing to take over some of that duty once we get moved into the new house. I made it sound like he was doing me a favor, and maybe I shouldn’t have. But there it is anyway.
I’ve also been researching laws in the different states – the one he went to school in (where she went to see him), the one she lives in (where he went to see her), the one we are legal residents of, and the one we are moving to. VA has some interesting things on the books. As do the other states, actually. But in VA, for example, prostitution is not defined only as the exchange of money for sex. Exchanging anything of value for sexual favors constitutes prostitution. That means if he so much as bought her lunch and then jumped in bed with her, it might be construed that way. Could I win in court? Eh, most likely not. But it would be worth rattling her cage. It’s unfortunate that GA has recently abolished a law that may have been unique. In that state if a spouse could prove infidelity, the outside guilty party, the OW/OM, could be sued for damages for interfering in the marriage. And heaven help him if he decides to try divorcing me in AZ. They are very pro-family there, and if one party does not want a divorce and there is no history of abuse, there are so many hoops a court can make the unwilling spouse jump through.
And, of course, if my H forces the issue I will go through military channels as well. A no-contact order and the threat of jail time would hopefully be sobering. It would royally tick him off too, but I guess I’ll live with that if it comes to it. I don't want it to, I hope it doesn't. But I suppose contingency plans are useful.
I told all this to one of my older and wiser girlfriends. She’s very supportive of me. But I don’t understand why, when I’m doing things right most of the time, I don’t feel any better. I know - I haven’t been at this long. But as soon as angry and/or determined wears off I am just as sad, hurt, and uncertain as when he told me about the A.
Occasionally when I’m really upset I consider having myself committed as emotionally disturbed, just so I can get away. But I don’t know that he would care…and that hurts too. And I always worry who will take care of the boys, who will take care of the bills, and of course now, who will he be talking to and seeing. I can’t run away because the torture is all in my head…well, almost all.
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
Hi Undefeated, you wont get a 2x4 from me. You cant undo what youve done, and I dont think that it was all that bad anyway. Now that you have had a nice convo with him, and gotten everthing out in the open as far as the Inlaws go, go dark! Well, with the IL's as dark as you can with them coming to visit, it will be harder, but you have said your peice, and now you can let it lie with your head (mostly) clear.
Do you take any antidepressants or anti anxiety meds? Very often, it can really help you. And you can call Military One Stop, its a website too, and I think that you can get either 4 or 6 counselling sessions for free above and beyond what Tricare can offer. And, like all counselling, its totally confidential, so you can talk openly about the A, and not worry about your H hearing about it.
They will also set you up with a free consultation with a lawyer, hopefully it wont come to that- but its good to know!
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
That actually is what I needed to start my day on a better note.