Pls help--confused and fearful

[P17]

Okay, another nasty TM.

"May I suggest you get a job to start paying your bills. I told you not to bite the hand that feeds you. I was not kidding. Kids can gladly move with me since I can provide for them while you find a place you can actually afford."

LOL ... sorry.

IGNORE THIS. It's BS. He is pulling your chain, pressing your buttons, he is trying to get you to respond. DO NOT DO IT.

There is nothing in the text that needs a response. DO NOT DO IT.

This is BS, right? Taking deep breaths. He's really trying to rattle me. It's because I spoke with OW's ex.

He has rattled you. Just admit it. But admit it HERE, not to him.

He's trying to force me to file, right? Am I see this right?

This has nothing to do with filing. Who comes off the worst if you file? Him.

This has to do with power, plain and simple. He is trying to hurt you. He is trying to upset you. He is trying to wrestle the control back from you.

Here is what he wants you to do - he wants you to respond with a 'youre right, I'm sorry' type of message. He then knows he has the control over the finances and will pull it out of the bag at every turn.

I'm trying so hard not to respond. I am wanting to defend myself for speaking with OW's ex. Darn it. I'm getting nervous.

If you do respond, I will take a flight over there and twat you one with a 2x4. IGNORE HIM.

Also know this. When you don't respond, he will come back with another, and another, and another text message or email. He will keep going and he will get nastier and more threatening with each one (probably start calling you a bad mother yada yada yada) - whatever he puts in those messages he knows will push your buttons. He does it for this exact reason. He will push every single button until he get;s a response, then he has the power back.

Trick is, see it for what it is (a power game), laugh at it and remember this - he can't win the game if you're not playing. Don't play the game.

[Day by Day]

Also know this. When you don't respond, he will come back with another, and another, and another text message or email. He will keep going and he will get nastier and more threatening with each one (probably start calling you a bad mother yada yada yada) - whatever he puts in those messages he knows will push your buttons. He does it for this exact reason. He will push every single button until he get;s a response, then he has the power back.

Trick is, see it for what it is (a power game), laugh at it and remember this - he can't win the game if you're not playing. Don't play the game.

He'll keep escalating it until what? If I stay strong the whole time and don't respond or play his game, then what will happen? He'll explode with anger? I have read other sitches where they get nastier and nastier, but haven't read if it ends and what the end is. He's so dead set on a D. I don't think he'll give up.

[P17]

He'll keep escalating it until what? If I stay strong the whole time and don't respond or play his game, then what will happen? He'll explode with anger? I have read other sitches where they get nastier and nastier, but haven't read if it ends and what the end is.

He will get nastier and nastier. He may explode. He may give up. He may just keep it going. But by not playing HIS game, you can't lose.

If he explodes, he loses. You have the control.
If he keeps getting nastier and you keep ignoring it, he loses. You have the control.
If he gives up then you get peace and quiet. Bingo.

From what I've read, and I have no experience of this, his texts may waver between nasty and nice. You could respond to the nicer ones (ie. rewarding him) and ignore the nasty ones (chastising him). Only you can make that call.

If he sends a nasty text with a question in it (maybe abvout the kids or the mortgage - something you need to answer) then leave it for a minimum of half a day (or longer - respond in a time much longer than you would normally, even a day or so later) and reply ONLY to the question and ignore everything else.

Just be business like.

He's so dead set on a D. I don't think he'll give up.

Then why hasn't he filed yet? If he is so dead set, then you either keep DB'ing in the hope it works or you do what you have to to protect yourself - that may mean NC / LRT, lawyer, whatever. Do what you need to do. Once you've protected yourself, let HIM do the legwork. If he wants a D make him WORK for it.

My guess, and it's only a guess, is he is using the D to punish you.

[newmama]

Daybyday, p17 IS RIGHT ON. 100% From what I know about behavior (from my grad study in college) there is an extinction burst that occurs when on person changes their response to another for an extended amount of time. What this means is that the person on the receiving end (your WH) will explode or TEST your limits in an aggressive way, then subside.

(it is seen when the parent starts t reinforce consequences to their kids when thwy haven't received them before-the kids test and test, throw a huge temper tantrum and then give in.)

On the outside looking in, WH's behavior is retaliatory, angry, nasty, [censored], DESPERATE! Like P17 said, he is most likely punishing you with D. But there is no way he could get your kids full time! Hello?! you didnt leave, he did! You have been an excellent mom and provided a stable home for them--do not worry about this.

In fact, the more I think about his reaction, the more obvious is that he is desperate and pissed...is he threatened? Is there a chance OW could go back to her H?

[Day by Day]

Yep! He is threatened I think. OW's ex must have told OW that WAH might be transferred. I told OW's ex as he told me about his OW's move to another building at work. WAH may have been bluffing me though about the move. But, it got back to him that OW's ex and OW know now. It's such a triangle the three of them. OW and her ex seem to be constantly fighting and in contact.

Could be OW's mad at WAH about him possibly moving overseas? She got a divorce for him and now he might move? Must be trouble in paradise and he wants me to pay for it.

[Day by Day]

I've gotta say, thanks for your support P17 and newmama... I'm feeling much better now that I got your input and I've calmed down. WAH is cracking. I will NOT play his game. I now will go NC for sure! I've had it. There's use in having contact with him.

[newmama]

You could be onto something about OW being upset with WH over the transfer. So perhaps OW had no clue about the transfer until her ex told her? Wow!

[P17]

You could be onto something about OW being upset with WH over the transfer. So perhaps OW had no clue about the transfer until her ex told her? Wow!

Thank mind reading though! He could be upset for a million and one reasons including something as simple as he stubbed his toe and it hurts like h*ll.

[Day by Day]

Yeah, it could be a million things. But last time he warned me about "biting the hand that feeds you" it was about talking with OW's ex. Whatever. I see that I just have to go to the lawyer tomorrow to do what I need to make sure I have financial support. It's probably his tactic to get me to file since he hasn't. I don't get it why he won't file but he doesn't want me either. But it's been 7 months and he hasn't made any move that gives me hope. He's killed just about all the love I had for him. He is/was barely involved with our kids. I've felt and operated as a single mom since BEFORE he left. (But being loyal to the marriage the whole time.)

I'm going to focus completely on getting a NEW life. I've already started on my way to a new career. I've registered for classes for a 2yr program. I've registered to volunteer at the hospital too. I'm thinking ahead to a life without WAH. Why am I going to bother with a man who doesn't want me, doesn't care about me and is deliberately hurting me? I've made several new girlfriends who are very caring and supportive. I'm going to need a big support group to go through all this. I deserve better than what WAH has given me for the past few years. I felt sorry for him, but now I have to focus solely on my life and our precious kids!!! Enough already.

[Day by Day]

Ugh. Up and down... yes I AM RATTLED. I wrote my lawyer an email and included what WAH wrote. Rereading it again got to me! Grr... I know I'll get a 2x4. I'm sooooo tempted to find out what WAH is going on about "biting the hand" that feeds me. Argh. I was feeling so strong this morning.

I'm listening to you P17. I'm writing here and not to WAH. And I'm getting angry! He has pushed my buttons!!