38 years & I need physical connection with my wife

[Young at Heart]

I thought I could use a little therapy today, so I decided to write an update of my situation.

A while back, my wife noticed that I had been reading relationship books, commented on it and asked if she should read them and then we could talk about them. (My heart jumped and I was thrilled!) I told her that I would like that. I gave her four books that I had found most helpful and said we could talk about them during the next weekend. The weekend came and she said she hadn't read them, so I said that was OK, we could talk about them the next Saturday, which was today.

Another thing I did about a month ago was to tell her that I would not under any circumstances have sex with her for two months. This was because she has told me for decades that she would touch me more except that whenever she touches me it always leads to me wanting to have sex with her and so it is my fault that she doesn't touch me.

I have been recording a daily journal of how I touch her or things I do for during the day and any "signs of affection" she expresses toward me. I have noticed and documented a significant increase in her showing signs of affection. She will put her foot against my leg at night in bed. She will put a hand against me on my arm. She will even give me a very chaste peck on the cheek, when I leave for work and she leaves for her job. On average she has made one expression of affection every other day. This is not the "touching" I had hoped for or expected, but it is an improvement and a source of hope for me. I still want to be touched passionately by a woman who loves me and expresses physical love for me.

Today came and I sat down to talk with my wife about the books. She was hesitant to talk, so I started off by summarizing my thoughts on the first book I had given her (Hold me Tight by Dr Sue Johnson) that really resonated with me. I then asked her what her thoughts were about the book. She told me she hadn't read it.

I was shocked, but decided that I would not allow that to suck me into a fight with her. I then summarize what I got out of the second book I gave her to read, which was the SSM book. I then asked her what she thought of the book. She said she hadn't read it. In a very calm measured way I asked her if she had read any of the books I had given her. She said that yes she had read one of the books.

She then went on to provide a series of excuses as to why she hadn't had time over the past couple of weeks to read the other books and how it was such an accomplishment for her to finish just one of them. I reminded her that it was her suggestion and not mine that we discuss the books I found significant. I also pointed out a number of specific times that I had come home to find her reading romance novels so she obviously had time for some reading, but not the reading she had offered to do for me.

At this point rather than explained that it was a mistake for her to have offered to read the books I gave her, she explained how reading such things might work for me, she had to talk about things as opposed to reading about things. She explained how reading these books was a waste of time for her.

Rather than fight with her I asked her to tell me what she got out of the book she had read. She talked about something that was within the first two chapters of the book. Rather that ask a question about something in the end of the book, I decided to ask her questions about what she had said so as to find out why she thought that was significant to our relationship. She came up with some reasons that actually sounded pretty interesting and she explained how helpful this would have been earlier in our relationship. I agreed with her, but said I want to focus on our present and future relationship.

I then summarized the parts of two other books (one of which was No More Mr. Nice Guy) that I found very helpful in understanding our relationship. I told her that these books weren't ones I had given her yet. I told her how I was going to work on my happiness and satisfaction and be true to myself. I told her that I had goals and plans for myself next year to make that happen.

She asked me about my goals. I explain what my weight loss goals and targets were for various months of next year. I also explained some of the fitness goals and races I had in mind for next year. I also outlined some of the hobbies and things I intended to take up again next year. I also said I had some goals for our relationship. That got her attention! She asked what they were. I told her that my first goal, if she was going to be an active partner in helping fix our relationship, was to possibly sign us up for a couples workshop in mid-February of next year. I explained who ran the workshop, what I knew about the content and why I thought it could help us. She got uncomfortable and said that February might be too soon. I decided not to respond and change the subject.

I told her I might or might not share future books with her. I then insisted that she keep her word on reading the books I had given her, but instead I told which two books (the Five Languages of Love-Chapman and SSM) I expected her to read. These were books that I had already discussed and I explained how significant they were to me in helping me understand our relationship. I told her that I expected her to keep her word and that we would discuss them next weekend.

We then discussed our relationship. I reminded her that even as important as sex was to me, I had stopped having sex with her because of how it had become to painful for me, due to her rejection of me. She then cried and we discussed some other aspects of our relationship. She said that the only thing she has failed at in life was being sexual with me. She said she has tried and that it is a great source of shame for her.

Rather than being sucked into feeling sorry for her, I explained that for me to be happy in this marriage, it needed to contain an active sexual component. I relayed some of the sexual experience in our past that I found the most memorable. I said that she wasn't a failure if she could do those things. She then explained that whatever she did was never enough for me.

I also indicated how (by using the terms of some of the books I wanted her to read) that I had obviously hurt her in the past and that I understood that I can only change myself. I also said that I am changing and intend to change even more to put myself first and to become a more happy and complete person. I told her I expect us to work as a team to help fix our Relationship and from my standpoint she didn't keep up her part. We both cried, but felt some progress was made.

I am once again reminded that there is a huge difference between words and actions. She has been giving me words, but not delivering on the actions. I will try to be positive and remain optimistic.

While I felt that I connected with her emotionally and heard some understanding of my feelings from her based on our discussions, I am very disappointed and frustrated. I had hoped for a lot more progress in recognizing and defining the problems I see in our our relationship. I even had expected to have her explain some problems I wasn't aware of.

I still have hope for our relationship, but a lot less than yesterday.

I am now going to redouble my efforts to get a life and make myself happy and whole. If she can change and be part of that life, it will make me very happy. I will make every effort to work with her and include her in my change. I will also work to try various things to improve our relationship. If she can change and choose to participate that would be great. If not, so be it.