Moving on with my life!

[25yearsmlc]

My biggest fear about leaving baby with a sitter (even d18) is that exh will want to stay with her if I chose to go somewhere. I can't have that. It will turn into a huge battle and fight.

How would he know you're going out somewhere, unless you tell him? Sorry - but I don't get it. How can he be with her without your permission?
Are you saying you are somehow forced to tell him your plans?Or are you saying he's stalking you and always knows where you are and with whom? That's...pretty insane. You guys are not married, so he has no right to know what's going on in your personal life, just as you have no rights to his. Is it possible that you enjoy giving him control over your life b/c you confuse that "control" with attention and that's somehow = love...?? Am I missing something?

Okay, let's say "somehow" he finds out that you have plans & AND for some reason he chooses THAT time to assert his non-existent custody rights....why not tell him "Don't come over or I"ll call the cops" & then if he comes over, in violation of court orders, call them…This is a no brainer. But your dilemma at what seems obvious to me, is sad.
Here's what you are missing S2...
If you were to cave in on this behavior and let him around your d alone, you would be in contempt of court along with him. So You'd rather take a chance on losing your D than facing your Xh's anger? And you'd lose your d ([b]to Child Protective Svcs, Not your Xh) b/c letting him have her unsupervised - puts you both on the hook for violating the order, for neglect, or worse, endangerment...That's a bad bad thing so...what are you thinking? I hope you are having an AWAKENING soon...

I'm going tonight. Figures the one and only night I go anywhere its in the middle of a freaking rain storm.

"Figures the one and only night I go anywhere...blah blah blah" Come on! You ARE GOING OUT!

Knock off the negative attitude. Self pity is a turn off and the weather is not a conspiracy against you. Be glad it's a cozy wet night that is perfect for D18 hanging with her little sis...and think again about how lucky you are in your life. I'm not sure you understand that at all. Partly this happens b/c you are still obsessing about your former h and that makes for negative programming and a sense of "lacking" in your life. Don't let that man be a measurement for anything except how much torture you're willing and able to handle. Better yet, make him an example of what you USED to be willing to take --and now won't...

Have some fun and then do that thing everyone's always talking about...you do remember? It's called DETACHMENT[/u] and there are tons of quotes and explanations and articles on this site about Detachment.
YOU MUST DETACH...YOU MUST GAL...YOU MUST MOVE ON...
Do you read and [u]process what is written to you? Seriously?
[/b]
I used to print out particularly helpful posts that touched me, and some of them I carried around with me, literally. I also recorded a few on my Ipod for my "power walks" and my "anger jogs" and I drilled into my head what I needed to KNOW in my head and heart so they'd really sink in.
I would read them before I expected H to call or if I felt the urge to call him but knew it was a bad idea, or time to go dark. I ask this b/c I am repeating myself early on in this R of ours. You say that my posts help you. How? What's different b/c you read them? Is it a matter of letting the truth sink in or what? I mean you ARE divorced so there's no M to save. There are sites on this DB for surviving div which you are doing but you could be so much happier. If you let yourself. I cannot imagine you being happy with this man. I can't. How could you be? You never really were before...honestly...so maybe you need to stop all this "last chance" poop. Yi yi yi...
Why not hand your pain and anger over to God? Do it! Let HIM handle it b/c it's bringing you down and keeping you stuck. Turn it over to Him and don't take it back...That helps more than anything. Yes your Xh was a jerk to you. Worse things have happened in the world. Move on....yes he MAY want to be around D more this time of year and you are part of the package...so what? MOVE ON....true he may get in "the holiday mood" and use you for @#$%, so don't let him and again, MOVE ON...
Look, just do whatever it takes to break this cycle of yours. You are "attached" to a man who isn't married to you anymore, and you're behaving as if there's a marriage to save. You gotta...MOVE ON...
Do what it takes to be happy and do it now. This isn't rocket science. It's not easy I know. But it isn't complicated.[b] It really is simple. Detach, GAL, and make forward progress in your life. You'll improve as a woman and mother and that matters. You will be happier as a direct result. What else matters? What else could possibly make you more attractive anyhow? See, moving on is the only path. [/b]

Deal with your Xh as you deal with your other one. (Or less...) He's a co-parent with some hassles' attached b/c he isn't man enough to be able to have unsupervised visitation yet. (Sorry to sound harsh but Why else is HE in the sitch HE's in? & That's NOT your responsibility! I almost sense guilt in you for him having the supervisory requirements...stop that. You know better.

Example of how this CAN work my brother's wife has 3 d's from her prior M. Like you, she has an XH--and like you, her Xh has Supervised visitation. (That man, the XH, literally kidnapped his d's at one point and hid them overseas...Went to jail. So he's lucky to be able to see them at all, considering))...
ANYHOW, my brother & his wife asked our oldest bil to be the "supervisor" for those visits so that they would not have to deal with him. This required minor paperwork w/ the state. So on those occasions, like 1-2 Saturdays a month, when the XH was to see his girls, my oldest BIL would tag along and hang back some. He'd drive the nieces to the meeting place, e.g., a mall to meet their dad-the XH, and bil still hangs back to give them some privacy, semi-following them, eating in the same restaurants, sitting a few rows back in a movie, etc. The Xh pays for this, by law. So he pays my bil something like $25. Yes, he pays to see his own d's b/c he broke the law with them before and I assume your h did the same.That's what it takes. Supervised visitation is a legal requirement so the XH has no choice and neither does yours, so what's all the fuss about?

No more spinning in place. You are ready to move on now. You have to.
Give yourself the life you deserve. Give your d's the role model they deserve and do it now. [/color]
j-

PS
Rather than feel you must give a point by point "rebuttal" to a post that makes you think, let it make you think some more. Reflect on things. We don't have to have answers to our questions unless we say so, and you can always ignore. My point in posting is to get you to realize something in your mind and for it to eventually make a difference in how you act in your life. So it's not really a debate. Sometimes, yes of course they can be. But in your sitch most all the advice you get is a form of the same thing--we're all telling you not to need this man --and to stand up for yourself and make and enforce boundaries and in some way, to move on. Does moving on always mean giving up? NO! But it does mean to assume you'll be without him and that you'll be happy anyhow.

That is what I hope you get from my posts at some level, and that it eventually sinks into your core. Believe in yourself and your innate ability to be happy inside, with or without a man next to you, let alone a man who has a history of mistreating you that far outweighs the times he treated you well. He has "issues"...don't be one of them anymore. Let me hear you say it, you are going to...MOVE ON!!
Good luck,
j-