WAW Using God

[pigskin]

Well 3 days in and I'm getting a vibe that the W is somewhat miserable in her current living arrangement. I've been doing great with having her initiate contact - I have yet to email or call. She called yesterday to "make sure I was OK".

Today was very challenging as two of the three kids were sick, woke up in the middle of the night, vomited multiple times, and even pooped on the floor (must be some stomach virus going around). But I handled it like a champ. By the way, it sucks being a single parent.

[pigskin]

Received a bible verse from my W:

I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength, that he considered me faithful, appointing me to his service. 13Even though I was once a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent man, I was shown mercy because I acted in ignorance and unbelief. 14The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus.

15Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. 16But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life. 17Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory for ever and ever. Amen.



Not sure what she takes from this. I see it as a good sign that she sent it to me. Taking the cynical view would be that she feels she will be forgiven for the eventual destruction of our family. But there would be no reason to forward that to me out of the blue.

Oh well, just some fodder for those following this soap opera...

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Why not just ask her, "What does this mean to you?"

[pigskin]

Haven't had a chance to talk to her about it yet, Puppy, but I will.

Today she said she has decided to play in the Christmas Concert at church (the OM is playing too), because "I need to get involved in the church; its not enough to just attend service, they preach that. Our marriage is already ruined so I can't harm it any more than it already is."

I told her I won't be swapping out to the apartment then, if that's her decision. She got weepy at that point. I told her we agreed to ask the pastor to weigh in on it. I told her I'll call him myself and if he thinks it is OK, then I'll agree to it.

Bottom line, if she's playing, I'm staying, unless the pastor says it's OK.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Hopefully, pastor will care more about what's wise and morally right, and not about a concern for having enough volunteers for the play.

[pigskin]

I spoke with the church music director (he is not a pastor, my mistake) and he said that they absolutely should not play in the concert together. As it turns out, what he had been told by the OM was not the entire truth, imagine that. So W is out of the show, and our arrangement stays intact.

Spent the night at the apartment and called a close friend to let him in on the situation. I'm mentally and emotionally fine, but the situation sucks. I don't like being away from my family, and I hate living in an apartment where you can hear every footstep of the upstairs neighbor. Oh well, strength and honor...

[Coach]

You are living in the apartment away from your family because you agreed to it. You are OK with someone else, music director, enforcing a boundary for you but you won't stand up for yourself. You seem to hide behind rules - "I'm Catholic so I don't believe in divorce"(I'm Catholic BTW). You say "oh well. strength and honor." Ever notice how every one capitalizes "Strength and Honor"? Oh well, Amen... Oh well, I pledge Allegiance to the flag of... You lack conviction, confidence and belief.

You have given your wife what you thinks she wants and played the nice guy. It hasn't worked. If your really love your wife and want your family then you need to think, pray and get busy. The answers are here. ASK - Ask, seek and knock. You are afraid to knock on the door to see what's behind it.

[pigskin]

You are living in the apartment away from your family because you agreed to it. You are OK with someone else, music director, enforcing a boundary for you but you won't stand up for yourself. You seem to hide behind rules - "I'm Catholic so I don't believe in divorce"(I'm Catholic BTW). You say "oh well. strength and honor." Ever notice how every one capitalizes "Strength and Honor"? Oh well, Amen... Oh well, I pledge Allegiance to the flag of... You lack conviction, confidence and belief.

You have given your wife what you thinks she wants and played the nice guy. It hasn't worked. If your really love your wife and want your family then you need to think, pray and get busy. The answers are here. ASK - Ask, seek and knock. You are afraid to knock on the door to see what's behind it.

The music director was a means of getting her to see the view of a third party from her church. I knew he would see things the way I did or I wouldn't have proposed his "arbitration". He did not enforce the boundary. Had she chosen to play in the concert, I would not be swapping out with her.

I've gotten her to end contact with the OM. This was a condition of my agreement with her. That was Priority One, and now its done. Next is her dealing with her own demons. She is convinced the living arrangement is the only way to do that. With no OM contact, I am fine with it. It doesn't mean I like it. But refusing to do so would keep me in limbo. This moves us forward.

Getting her to quit the concert was a big deal. She was dead set on playing. I stood my ground and did not listen to any of her justifications or excuses on why she had to be there, she committed to this, can't let them down, etc. etc. She was like a chastened teenager when I told her she couldn't play. But didn't argue - she respected my enforcing the boundary.

If it sounded like I was whining, it wasn't my intent. Sometimes you just need to b*tch.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

If you say so.

[MrBond]

"I've gotten her to end contact with the OM."

This is where the problem is. She didn't cut it off voluntarily. She did it because you got the person in charge involved. Now see it from her POV. Does it make you seem like a hero or an @$$?

Establishing the boundary means that you set it and then don't actively do anything to make sure she sticks to it. It has to be HER CHOICE. And not because you exposed it to the music director.

Now if you told her that if she continued to see the OM, you would tell his W and everyone else in the church about them, then that's setting a boundary and what you did would have been justified because you established that as your boundary.