Newbie with almost WAW - Need Advice

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Let me show you your own words a few posts back:

My W is a conflict avoider and has never been one to want to have the tough discussions during our R.

The DR book calls what you're doing as "cheesless tunnels". And/or you can think about it this way, if you continue to do the same thing over & over--yet expect a different outcome, isn't that kind of crazy?

You are right, this is a cheeseless tunnel, I guess I just keep thinking that she is going to wake up one of these days and accept responsibility for her part in our M problems and the pain she is causing through her A. She is such an amazingly strong woman which is one of the things that attracted me to her. However, she has always run from her relationship problems and I just need to accept this and move forward. I know that I am preaching to the choir with this one but while I am only 4 months post bomb, I am coming up on 1 year of her meeting OM and immediately starting to detach from me and it is such a long time to go without that emotional bond.

I get the idea that when you are referring to "reminding her" of what had been discussed regarding the boundary, that you are kind of coming across in a way that isn't getting you anywhere. Maybe she feels that you are acting as if you are her father or maybe you sound "whinny" (IDK), but if you just have to say something it would be better to do like PDT says and make the statement, "I certainly hope you aren't breaking the boundary that was discussed b/c that would be incredible disrespectful to your H".

I was definitely not whinny, I stopped whining, crying, begging months ago. I am sure that it would not have received the PDT 4-whistle seal of approval, however, it was a firm reminder that she is crossing my boundaries. Part of my problem in the past was being passive aggressive when something she was doing bothered me. I have also recently diagnosed myself as a Nice Guy (blechhh.. ). I know that my Nice Guy tendencies are one of the things that has pushed her away from me and even though it is not the best DB approach, I was hoping that it would at least come across as a 180 for me to show her that I am willing to stand up for myself. At any rate, it doesn't appear to be working after two tries so maybe there is no cheese in this tunnel either...

To me, the best way for you to have dealt with her is whenever she is out past an appropriate time, turn out all the outside & inside lights, lock all the doors and turn on the alarm system. Then you go to bed and act as if you are asleep when she comes in and do not give her the satisfaction of giving her any attention by "waking up" whenever she comes in. Don't ask her questions about where she's been, b/c you aren't suppose to be showing you are concerned about it. Next day.....you never acknowledge that she was out. As long as you are acting all worried, bothered, fretting, etc.....it makes you look weak, needy, & clingly. Is that the image you want to project?

Definitely not, next time it is back to lights out, I promise

then flat out asked her if she is able to choose between being with her H and being with someone else

Eww, that was a bad one. Know why? Look at how she responded:

She ignored me for a while

I agree, that was a bad one but as to her response, I still think part of it is due to my quote at the top of this post. It has always been her MO in this type of situation.

then just gave me a very flatly spoken "I'm here".

Oh man. She is bored with you! She feels like your mother who has given her child a temporary answer to pacify him. Can you see the lack of respect in how she answered, even though she didn't say a ugly word?

That one really hit me hard and continues to hit hard to this moment. Such a lack of emotion in her delivery. I was kinda thinking that it indicated that she felt resentful to have to be with me. I read one of your posts on another thread the other day where you were telling someone to find the one area of weakness of their spouse and hit that for best effect. My W came from a broken home, bad sitch where one of her parents literally disappeared with a much younger OP and abandoned the family. I started to feel last night that she stayed with me after the A confrontation to avoid her family finding out what she is doing, IDK, but it sure hurts like hell to think that.

I have recently been on an upswing in terms of mood, confidence, etc.

So, what were you doing that made you feel that way? You need to find the real "man" you are and start protraying that self-confident, respected person again.

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Still doing therapy and started working my way through the No More Mr. Nice Guy book. I have started approaching each day as an opportunity to display PMA. Working out a lot