Haha, GIMA, stop by my latest post in Surviving the big d.
I am holding up, in the face of some ridiculous stuff. Since you may be heading down the same road I am, you can use my last couple months as a roadmap for things to watch out for, and things not to do..
I will do the same.
And re: your "sign off", I've always believed that pain becomes suffering only when we don't accept it.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Had a great evening. Went to a hockey game - home team won in OT. Really cool.
Managed to talk to kids tonight without having to talk to W. S asked where I was (it was loud) and I told him I was at the hockey game. S says Dad, why don't you ever take me? So, I'm taking him over Christmas break.
I've been following your sitch and the board even though I've been "laying low". It's very, very hard to walk that pencil-thin line of detachment (allowing the S see the consequences of their actions) while not rejecting the S, especially since their childhood tapes have altered their perceptions of our actions. Taking care of yourself and support from this board will help you with this.
Thought you and others might be interested in a website I found for an organization called "Americans for Divorce Reform" (www.divorcereform.org/). There is also a page with quotes on divorce reform (patriot.net/~crouch/quotes.html) that may provide info some people are looking for. A couple interesting quotes from this site:
--"All around us, every day, we see the bitter fruit of the breakdown of the family. ... I believe the breakdown of the family is a direct result of our "no-fault" laws. ... Why should a couple invest in a marriage when it can be dissolved for no reason at all?" (GA state Representative Brian Joyce -- GIMA, do you know this person?)
--"It is easier to divorce my wife of 26 years than to fire someone I hired one week ago. The person I hire has more legal clout .... than my wife of 26 years. That's wrong." Judge Randall Hekman, President of the Mighigan Family Forum, quoted in a Michael McManus column in the Detroit News
--(cynical quote warning) Instead of getting married again, I'm just going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house. Lewis Grizzard
This site cites a book called "The Case Against Divorce" by Diane Medved. I haven't read the book but the synopses online look interesting. The author set out to write a book to help couples during the divorce transition but changed her focus after reviewing the data:
"I have to start with a confession: This isn't the book I set out to write. I planned to write something consistent with my previous professional experience helping people with decision making. . . . For example, I started this project believing that people who suffer over an extended period in unhappy marriages ought to get out....I thought that striking down taboos about divorce was another part of the ongoing enlightenment of the women's, civil- rights, and human potential movements of the last twenty-five years....To my utter befuddlement, the extensive research I conducted for this book brought me to one inescapable and irrefutable conclusion: I had been wrong."(1)
Sorry the post got a bit long, but hope this info might be helpful to someone out there in the ether.
Also found this site (patriot.net/~crouch/artj/tvshow.html#anchor1530811) with answers to lots of basic questions about divorce (e.g. How much does a divorce cost?). This was written in 1997 (a bit old) and is based on Virginia law but the principles still apply.
W had S call me tonight on her phone. Spoke with S, then D (who again told me she missed me), then W got on the phone. She asked how "everyone here" was doing - that would be the pets and me? Then she promptly said ok, have a good night - she beat me to it.
Don't know if it was the call or the fact she comes home tomorrow, but I'm a little down. I can handle it, but was pretty happy all weekend.
Don't know if it was the call or the fact she comes home tomorrow, but I'm a little down. I can handle it, but was pretty happy all weekend.
Here's one thing my IC worked with me on, that I came to realize is very true and helpful
Don't expect to be happy, and don't beat yourself up when you realize that your not, and conversely, understand that your sad at times, and don't beat yourself up over that as well!
Mindful acceptance of this is key to helping negotiate these emotions.
I am sure you have heard this before, but just wanted to put it back out there.
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
