I am sorry SP. I had a similar thing happen to me this morning. My D said to me "...Then we were born for nothing. You divorcing dad- which is your fault btw since you fought with him and he left-means our lives are "wasted"" or something in that sense in Greek of course...
It will get better, for all involved. I am sorry... K
Then the real heart-breaker. I was just there-there'ing and Daddy-is-here'ing and it's-okay-to-cry-on-my-shoulder-that's-my-job'ing, and in the midst of her go-to list of stars that just don't shine as brightly anymore, she stopped dead in her tracks, flipped over on her side to look me straight in the eyes and said, "Oh no! This is happening to you, too!" It was if she realized for the first time that she and Brother aren't the only ones with feelings.
WAW calls late last night after getting home from a party. I see the caller i.d. and assume there's an emergency -- there's no other reason for her to call, since the kids are at my house.
No, she's calling to bitch, so I manage to croak out something along the lines of "Okay, got it, have to go, kettle's boiling. Or something. *clikk!*"
So 3 calls on the mobile this morning. 3 calls on the landline. 2 texts. Fair enough -- it won't stop, so the next time it rings....
"Yes, WAW, what is it?"
You were rude to me last night.
"You're right, sorry. Uncalled-for. Well, thanks for calling, gotta go, pancakes on the griddle."
She calls back. Okay, in for a penny, in for a pound. I can tell you're mad at me.
"No, I don't do anger at people -- only at situations. Was that all? Sausages in the frying pan, can't let 'em burn!"
What situation did I create that you're mad at?
So, like Der Türmenaytor, I laid it all down. Passed the phone to the kids, and they did the same: Boy-Child: Why'd you bail on us? Girl-Child: I can't believe we weren't important enough for you to stay even for 5 minutes!
Pass the phone to Daddy.
"Yes WAW?" And she gets it on. It's my fault. See, by not being "on board" with the divorce, by not being in the "same place" she is, by regretting that there wasn't enough that could have been done for the M, for the kids, I'm not signaling to them that everything is okay, that this is No Big Deal. Because they don't cry at her house, so obviously I'm doing something wrong.
"Fine theory. Thanks for sharing it. 'Bye now."
She's way back in WAWland. All roads lead directly to her. Unless they don't. And even then they do.
You let her use you as what is charmingly-called an "emotional tampon" about a week ago or whenever it was, and did she get it out of her system? Despite her expressed gratitude, no she did not.
Keep on with the sausages and the click, or even better, let it ring, especially when you have the kidlets. And my heaven, I'm not a parent, but it sure seems like the course of wisdom is to keep the kids out of the middle of these convos. She will not hear the truth from *anyone* right now, either entitlement or guilt or both are screaming much too loud. A day will come when it will truly suck to be her, but it is not this day.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
Dog feels the same way right now. Its like they have to get in a few last barbs just to make sure.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
I should clarify I've felt the barbs. I've felt the sense of narcissism surrounding the she. just don't bother the dog anymore please
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
You're making me tear up... Love the sausages line! *hugs* Great job.
Your divorcing spouse is consistent and my pal, Smile Guy, is setting great boundaries. The kids wanting to talk to their mom puts it squarely in her lap. And we both know why the kids will cry a 'your' house.. because it's home, it's safe. Because you aren't going to bail.. you're there for them.
You see, Smile Guy.. you're not in charge or responsible for her emotional well being. You are not her emotional confidant.. she's not yours. She wants to know you still respond to her.. with her 90 minute call and the follow up feel good conversation.
I tell you though.. 'Gotta go' works best. It isn't about her needs, it's about the kids coming first.
Keep being the good daddy. When asked by his young children why they had to live in two places, Ready2Change would say that Mommy wasn't happy and that he loved their mommy and wanted her to be happy and that they pray for Mommy's happiness. Something like that. No blame.
When you feel the urge to puke, give your kids a hug instead. Much more fun with no icky cleanup.
So obviously I'm a completely unreasonable sonovab*tch, right?
Yesterday was my birthday. The kids "bought" me a cake, which means WAW bought it for them. Okay, fine. She calls the house at 8 a.m. I didn't answer because I didn't hear the phone ring. She left a VM to say that she's coming over in 10 minutes. I don't get the VM (obviously) because I don't hear the phone ring.
So I'm downstairs in my robe, dealing with a crying Girl-Child, and there's a knock at the door, open it up, and there's WAW. Well, needless to say I'm a bit unprepared for such a confrontation, plus I have the crying Girl-Child, and the Boy-Child starts asking if Mommy can stay for breakfast -- which the kids are "making" for me, which means I'm making what they tell me to make for me LOL -- and the house is a disaster because we've been putting up Xmas decorations and so I just look at her and say it's not a good time and in the future could she have a verbal confirmation from me before simply materializing at the door?
She spins on her heels and slams out the door in a huff.
Later that day, I take the kids to the movies as a reward for doing well at some chores, and they start in with "let's meet Mommy for dinner." It's my birthday. It's 8 months to the day -- at dinner time, almost to the minute -- since the Bomb. This is not sounding like something I'm interested in, but the kids, so, *sigh* "alright."
I send her the info, she agrees to meet us. Now this is for the kids' sake.
At dinner, we exchange a bit of smalltalk, but the focus is supposed to be Themselves.
This morning I have a nastygram about how unreasonable I am, "making" her come to dinner and then not spending it focused on her -- really! -- and what is my problem and I'm obviously completely unreasonable and an a**hole and she's in a new relationship now and needs to be able to focus on that and she just doesn't understand why I'm continuing to mourn the loss of something like this after all it's not as if she's still mourning the fact that 2 years ago.... blah blah blah. Oh and since I made such a big deal of her coming to the house, from now on we'll exchange the kids at a third-party location even if it scares them or makes the feel sad.
So I ask you -- I'm obviously unreasonable, right?
Why on EARTH would you schedule any time with your WAW on YOUR birthday? What do you mean, it's supposed to be about the kids? This is maybe the ONE damned day that's supposed to be for YOU!!!
And practically the entire day's exchanges were entirely predictable. Fool me once, shame on . . . well, you get the picture.
I didn't "schedule" it in the sense that you're implying -- it was on the fly.
She materialized at the door in the morning -- that one I had no control over. As for the evening, if you'd seen my kids and how sad they were -- and have been for the past couple weeks -- it would have been an easy, if crappy, decision to (have to) make. They so wanted to see her, it wasn't going to make my birthday any better to refuse that to them.
And there weren't any "exchanges" -- I stayed correct per @Gypsy. The ire was all directed my way.
