Newbie with almost WAW - Need Advice

[sandi2]

Let me show you your own words a few posts back:

My W is a conflict avoider and has never been one to want to have the tough discussions during our R.

The DR book calls what you're doing as "cheesless tunnels". And/or you can think about it this way, if you continue to do the same thing over & over--yet expect a different outcome, isn't that kind of crazy?

I know how that is b/c I was always one who thought everything had to be solved/settled by means of conversation.....but when it comes to a reconcilliation, a R talk just tears down more than it builds up. Until you can learn to control "your" actions, then she is not going to respond like you want her to. Hasn't she proven that already?

I was an almost WAW involved in an EA, so I can tell you that you facing her and trying to force her to tell you what she has been up to.....won't get the job done. She'll lie at best, and she could decide to walk out and move in with OM at worst. So how about changing your tactics?

I get the idea that when you are referring to "reminding her" of what had been discussed regarding the boundary, that you are kind of coming across in a way that isn't getting you anywhere. Maybe she feels that you are acting as if you are her father or maybe you sound "whinny" (IDK), but if you just have to say something it would be better to do like PDT says and make the statement, "I certainly hope you aren't breaking the boundary that was discussed b/c that would be incredible disrespectful to your H".

To me, the best way for you to have dealt with her is whenever she is out past an appropriate time, turn out all the outside & inside lights, lock all the doors and turn on the alarm system. Then you go to bed and act as if you are asleep when she comes in and do not give her the satisfaction of giving her any attention by "waking up" whenever she comes in. Don't ask her questions about where she's been, b/c you aren't suppose to be showing you are concerned about it. Next day.....you never acknowledge that she was out. As long as you are acting all worried, bothered, fretting, etc.....it makes you look weak, needy, & clingly. Is that the image you want to project?

then flat out asked her if she is able to choose between being with her H and being with someone else

Eww, that was a bad one. Know why? Look at how she responded:

She ignored me for a while

That is what you should have been doing to her instead of following her around the house.....or standing there stomping your foot like a little mad girl. (Which is simply a picture of what you were displaying.)

then just gave me a very flatly spoken "I'm here".

Oh man. She is bored with you! She feels like your mother who has given her child a temporary answer to pacify him. Can you see the lack of respect in how she answered, even though she didn't say a ugly word?

Is it possible that she is trying to break the A and is feeling sad or is she just still heavily emotionally invested in OM. She still doesn't seem to be planning on separating any time soon so I don't know why she would want to stay if she is so checked out.

I don't know how you get that from what she said, unless you are hearing what you 'want' to hear. More likely, OM is dragging his feet about their future.

I have recently been on an upswing in terms of mood, confidence, etc.

So, what were you doing that made you feel that way? You need to find the real "man" you are and start protraying that self-confident, respected person again.