Another interesting Sanford article

[Silver Fox]

Sanford’s 'soul mate' comment made reconciliation chances harder, experts say

By Lillia Callum-Penso
Staff writer

The very public revelations of the governor about his betrayal of his wife may not be the reason for her divorce filing, but it couldn’t have helped any chance of reconciliation, counseling experts say.

“Once it is out there, it is probably the better thing to go ahead and admit that it happened,” said Joy Bennett, an independent social worker with Pettigru Counseling Associates.

A public confession is necessary, she said, but it is a fine line to walk between accepting responsibility for actions and causing more hurt to the person who has been betrayed.

“Whether his public airing of ‘this other woman is my soul mate’ is helpful to the marriage, I sure doubt it,” Bennett says, referring to Gov. Mark Sanford’s now famous June press conference.

“It is very hurtful always to the spouse who has been betrayed to hear that there are a lot of feelings involved and to hear that publicly was, I’m sure, very hurtful.”

It was hurtful, but nothing new.

Bennett cites research that shows marital infidelity occurs in a quarter of all relationships, with some studies showing infidelity occurs in half of all relationships. And of those couples that seek counseling, the success rate is about 50 percent.

Sometimes the issues that result – anger, hurt, embarrassment, low self-esteem, loss of trust – can take a long time to work through, said Bennett, who estimates a minimum of two years to sift through everything.

“The biggest variable, what success in marriage counseling depends on, is the commitment of the parties to the marriage,” Bennett said.

Even if a relationship still ends in divorce, couples tend to be more at peace with the decision after trying things like talking, going to counseling and working through issues, said Sandra H. Adams, a clinical social worker with more than 20 years of experience counseling couples.

But the work doesn’t stop there, she said. The healing process takes a long time, whether you are in the public eye or not.

“I would say most couples can count on a good year of working, maybe not at as an intense level as they did when they initially came in because then you’re dealing with the emotional tsunami at that point,” Adams said. “It’s like surviving a car accident or plane accident, over time you heal.”

One of the keys to moving forward for people who have been betrayed, said Bennett, is to focus on what they can and can’t control. In that regard, Jenny Sanford is a good model, she said, citing the first lady’s recent statement to Barbara Walters that her husband’s actions “don't in any way take away my own self-esteem.”

“She’s making a decision to hold her head high because she didn’t do anything wrong, and that is a healthy attitude,” Bennett said.

“If we are driven by our feelings of embarrassment, we won’t fix anything. We won’t fix the marriage, we’ll just hide and hiding is no way to live.”