I'm in the grump land.. doing alll the stuff I caution others not to.
Last night the former spouse picked up daughter for dinner (first time since T'day) in a Hummer.. not new. I know he'd traded in his Lexus since he 'couldn't afford to repair it'. While peeking through the window with the lights off so he couldn't see me looking I'm screaming.. "I can't believe he has a Hummer!".. followed by.. "But it doesn't matter!" Why am I hiding? Don't do that Kathleen.. but I did. Just got angry.
He'd been Lexus Man.. loved the luxury and comfy roomy seats. Now I'm squawking imagining how hip and happy he feels driving a really cool car. "But it doesn't matter!" And it's none of my business. But I'd liked the idea of him in a regular car.. but no. I'm such a baby. I was denied that pleasure.
All my spew starts sputtering forth.. he's a frickin' liar, that he doesn't have money.. "But it doesn't matter!" I'm stuck in this house I don't want to be in any more.. "But it doesn't matter!"
I just get so wound up sometimes.. and it's so silly. Seeing him can set me off right back to where I was two years ago. That's because I have no life. Although I've been able to move on in some areas, I'm still stuck. I'll let my life still revolve.. get jerked into his orbit.. I DO IT! Arrggghhhh...
And I'm fat.. sheesh.. jiggle wish I was Pillsbury Dough Boy thin...
And I'm old.. where the frick did all these wrinkles come from, thinning 'No Zone' hair
And when I get like this I'm the compilation of everything and anything that's ever been wrong with me.
Does anyone else ever go into this type of nosedive? I mean.. if I suck a little, I suck a whoooole lot!
So.. my daughter was back in record time (less than 45 minutes.. she said he was rushing through dinner), she brought me her salad (so cute), she went to a show with a friend. After I dropped them off I decided not to go directly home.. just get out and be around other folks doing that Christmas shopping thing. It was good.. although it's hard because I can't figure out what to buy.. if anything.
Score one for sanity by getting out of the house.
After a good night's sleep, I tackled my previously pristine bedroom, gathered all the dirty clothes and started doing laundry. Simple, actionable items. Room looks great, clothes look great. I'm planning on seeing a show tonight, asked a friend.. she's unavailable, but I'll go anyway.
GAL.. something I've dropped by the wayside. Getting out of my stay in the cave mentality.. working on it.
