It might not be lying, but IMO it's manipulative and just as bad.
I agee with not doing things in in order to be manipulative. But that doesn't mean you can't add some mystery to your life. I don't think it is being manipulative to not be where you are "supposed" to be all the time. I don't think it's being manipulative to do things for you.
It is manipulative to lie. If a guy was to take himself to dinner, and smear some lipstick on his collar before he got home, that would be manipulative. If the same guy took himself to dinner, and decided to stay at the sports bar to watch the rest of the game, and hence be out a little longer than someone might be anticipating, I don't think that would be manipulative.
In my opinion the key is to do for yourself. If your spouse chooses to have a reaction, that's up to them, but it should not be your whole purpose in what you are doing.
Kara...here are some suggestions for you, things to do to cause mystery (and also GAL)...
*Do you have a sister or girlfriend nearby whom you could spend a few nights with? Just don't come home one night, don't call, just show up in the morning and go about your day as if it was no different. If he asks - you say its none of his business, or even just tell him the truth (sister, girlfriend) as he will likely not believe this anyway. Do this once, and then do it again in about a week, for one night at a time.
*If you've never liked something, start doing it! Example, you've never been interested in golf, go take some private lessons or just hit a few buckets at a driving range! Leave pamphlets around the house about the new activity. If you've never liked football, let him catch you watching a game. DON'T do this one if football is something he likes, don't let him think its about him and his likes. Just suddenly taking up something new that would surprise him, is the point. Something he would never expect you to have an interest in. If he asks about it, you tell him a friend suggested you try it. If he asks which friend, you tell him "someone you don't know" (which is the truth, as he doesn't know ME! LOL!)
*Go through your closets and rearrange everything. Change drawers around, what used to be the "junk drawer" is now the "extra towels and rags drawer". Just weird little things like that will cause mystery, believe it or not.
*Go to the library or bookstore and get some books on a topic you've always wanted to know more about but something that you never told HIM about. Architecture? Mid-century poetry? Art history? Dog breeding? Whatever it is, there is always something we have an interest in which could be studied up on. Then actually READ them! :0)
*Search your local meet up groups for fun, free, non-dating things to do with other people.
Yesterday I went into a restaurant and saw OW. I placed my order, got it and walked out and sat in my car until she came out. I don't know why I decided to do that but she came out and got into my H's jeep. The brand new one which I, of course, have never been in. She looked accross and saw me and I smiled coolly and waved. She then drove off very quickly. Yes, she was driving my H's jeep. I waved because I wanted her to know that I had seen her and I wanted her to tell my H which I am sure she must have done almost immediately.
I was angry, calm and numb at the same time. I have said nothing to him but I am sure she has told him about it.
It is this blatant kind of disrepect on his part that gets to me. Of course an A is in and of itself the ultimate in disrespect. This is just the extra icing on the cake. To see her so openly wheeling around town behind the wheel of his vehicle was a good wake up call for me. In a sense I am glad that I saw it. It was a totally chance encounter.I was in a section of town that I never go to. I was on my way back from a meeting and just happened to stop there for a bite to eat.
I understand that in the grand scheme of things that this is nothing compared to what some people go through with their S living openly with OP. But to still share a house with someone and go through the outward facade of being married while openly doing whatever you wish? No, I can't deal with that mockery. I want no part of it. What class of woman becomes involved with a married man let alone one who is still living at home? It boggles the mind.
My H has is perfecting the fine art of transforming a Left Behind into a Walkaway. He must be something of a magician. Yet another skill I did not know he possessed. I know that they say believe half of what they saw and do. Or something like that. Well, I now believe 100 % of what he says and does. I have to. Why delude myself any longer? Why make excuses like MLC blah blah blah? This is the life he wants. He is a grown man and his eyes are open.
I just read your latest posts and I must say that no one deserves what you are going through. Your husband's behavior is dispicable. If he wants to be with another woman, why doesn't he simply file for divorce. Better yet, why don't you file for divorce? Do you really want to be with a man who finds it so convenient to break his vows? I don't understand how a person can desire a spouse who's cheating on them. Sorry for the 2x4, but life is just too damn short!
Regards, LFH
ME: 38 W: 35 D2.5 and S5 Married 12 years Separated (same house, different rooms) INILWYAM by W: 4/16/2009 The day W requested a D: 4/17/2009
I have to agree with LFH. You deserve better than someone who is cake eating. Either he's in or out. And if he's out, why would you want him? I know it's more complicated than that, but, honestly, why would you want him?
I agree with you both. It has just been a painful decision to reach. He is not cake eating in the true sense because we are just room mates now. I am at the point where I actually don't want him. As I said, it was a painful step to acknowledge the end of a dream.
