You are both absolutely right. Thank you I needed that slap in the face! I just wasn't sure if I can legally withold joint account information, but I did say that lastnight, that if he wanted the information then his lawyer can tell me what I need to give. Does this get easier?
It does get easier and no, HIS attny will not be giving YOU any info as you will have your own attny. From this point forward all legal information should be sent directly to your attny for him/her to deal with. If you do not have an attny retain one ASAP.
I just walked in from work, husband was home with daughter today. The minute I walked in, he got up off the couch and put his jacket on. I asked where he was going and he said "out." I said what? and he said to Home Depot. (whatever) Please give me the strength to not call and scream at him for not letting me know that the minute I walked in the door he was going to walk out and leave without saying anything. I know, I know, he doesn't owe me an explanation and I shouldn't expect him to be respectful of me right now, I just need to be reminded of this because I am so upset right now. He gave me his schedule fort the entire weekend and how he wouldn't be home, but didn't say anything about tonight. Please send strength my way. I know in theory what I am supposed to do and not do, but when you are actually faced with it, it's another story and I was just completely blindsided. In other news, he hasn't said anything about whether he went to the lawyer or not this week. I have no idea if I should be expecting d papers mailed here any day or what. Ugh. Some days I feel so strong and others I just want to give up.
I just walked in from work, husband was home with daughter today. The minute I walked in, he got up off the couch and put his jacket on. I asked where he was going and he said "out." I said what? and he said to Home Depot. (whatever) Please give me the strength to not call and scream at him for not letting me know that the minute I walked in the door he was going to walk out and leave without saying anything.
For the record, that is what going dark and GALing is supposed to look like. Except it's supposed to be you walking out the door and him wondering WTF is going on.
Don't let it get to you. Go take your daughter to see The Princess and the Frog or grab somepizza, so that you're not home when he gets back.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
So i got an email from him responding to my request for his schedule this week and when he would be out of the house, picking up daughter from school, etc. He will mostly be working nights and/or staying with his brother all week. I'm fine with all of it except I'm not sure how to word a response about this. He says he has a work function on Thursday night and he wants to return home after. I am not ok with this because I do not believe it's a work function or if at least it is, he will see the OW before, as he did the last 2 work functions, or maybe even taking her with him. How do I phrase it to let him know it is not ok to return home after the work function because I don't believe him and I don't want him in the house after a date? I already set the boundary that it was not ok for him to be out with OW and then come home after, that I would not stand for that, but I'm not sure how to respond without sounding winey or begging for anything. PS- after our 2 nights of uneventful conversations, we have not spoken. I guess this is what going dark is?
I think you should give up on the idea of controlling H's sleeping habits based on his dating habits. H doesn't need permission to sleep in his own house, unfortunately.
Instead, thank him for sharing his schedule and then simply set a childcare schedule for the next week, specifying when he is responsible for DD. Then, ignore his whereabouts completely unless he does not keep up his end of the childcare arrangements.
If you are deadset on enforcing the date-then-no-roof boundary, you don't do it by arguing with him or trying to control his actions. You simply make the consequences for violating your boundary happen. What are the consequences?
-- will you start D? -- will you move out? -- will you contact OW and tell her that on the days she chooses to date your H, she needs to provide shelter for him at night? -- will you cancel all shared credit cards and close all shared bank accounts? -- will you simply state that you will note his lack of respect in your diary?
I guess you could clarify the consequences of him going on a date and then sleeping at home (though I would avoid giving a warning about any financial change.) Anyway, what exactly do you intend to do? What are the consequences for violating your boundary? And is this issue really what you want to use to force things? I don't really see why proximity in time between a date and sleeping at home matters. He IS dating, he IS living at home. I don't see how a few more hours between date and going home is a meaningful difference. It seems much more like you acting out and trying to control his actions.
If you have childcare arranged, then you can come and go as you please (him as well.) If you see that he violates your boundaries (whatever they are) under those conditions, then implement your chosen consequences.
You are right. I just don't know which end is up right now and I don't know what to do. I am all over the place. Some days I think I should pack up his stuff and put it in the basement where he is living and other days I just want to leave it hoping it'll never have to go. I think I need to re-read DR again and REALLY read it. I am just so confused and I'm trying to be strong for myself and daughter's sake but I just don't know how much more I can take before I break. I know he went to see a lawyer last week but we haven't said 2 words to each other since then. I fear that he may just open his own account with his paycheck directly deposited and then I don't know what I will do. I know I need to get a lawyer immediately I am just so scared. I know I've continued to ask for advice and strength on here and I have gotten a lot of great support. I apologize for repeating myself and being all over the place. I just don't know if I can DB this marriage.
I know I need to get a lawyer immediately I am just so scared.
You need to do this because of:
Quote:
I fear that he may just open his own account with his paycheck directly deposited and then I don't know what I will do.
... this.
Remember seeing a lawyer is nothing. It's just finding out what your rights are and protecting yourself. Step 1 - protect yourself legally. Step 2 - work on the M.
Quote:
I know I've continued to ask for advice and strength on here and I have gotten a lot of great support. I apologize for repeating myself and being all over the place. I just don't know if I can DB this marriage.
This place is a godsend. Don't apologise. We've all done it.
You can DB as long as you want to. You stop when you can't. It's a lot of work and you can only keep going to long.
You're having a bas day by the sounds of things. Maybe sleep on it?
Me 36, W 34 | D 8 | M 3.5y Sep 2Aug09 | Left 6Sep09 | OM in 10Oct09 | NC 17Nov09 | Gave up caring - Jan 2010
"Have integrity. Do what is right, not what is expedient." "Delay is the antidote for anger"
You're having a bas day by the sounds of things. Maybe sleep on it? [/quote]
Yes, it's been a bad weekend. Yesterday was the first day he left after being home all day with the intention of not coming home again until after we were asleep tonight for child care purposes in the morning. I took daughter out with a friend, she had a blast, I kept my mind off things, but as I'm home today decorating the tree with her alone, and doing my own laundry... it's just bringing me down... a lot.
