Part III - At the crossroads

[forward]

OK, LMNW, I have to admit that ya made me POed there.

You don't know if YOU can take any more rejection???

Take that and multiply it by about 100000 and you will only begin to have a sense of what it is like to be abandoned with a small child--when as a woman you are at your absolute most vulnerable. She probably had to listen to the child cry for her Daddy, too. The crying and not focusing on the job? Yeah, I get that, too--I lost my role at work because I was so stressed. If she works I am sure she could tell you what it's like to suddenly transition to single parent. If you want to talk rejection, I am sure she knows all about it.

You ran her over with a truck and now you are complaining because you fell down.

I'm not saying that you don't have a right to be treated well. And no, you don't have to be punished your entire life. But you're also going to have to get through this very difficult situation and enable her to trust you again. You are going to have to really understand her pain and not put your pain first here. You probably can't apologize enough and you're going to have to be consistent.

As far as control freak--she doesn't trust you yet. I mean, consider that most people would never trust you EVER again and give your XW some credit for giving you another chance at all. I can guarantee you that NOBODY in my life would say "I thikn you should give XH another chance." You haven't indicated that you cheated, but if you did, you are going to have to own up to the damage there, too. You are going to have to be even more consistent and patient than you think you are being.

Yes, she probably contributed to the problems. But you bailed out--that was your way of solving the problem. Now you're talking about doing it again, with maybe a year of working on things? Chances are she is a lot stronger and less assured that she needs you any more.

You can say Slow down without stopping things altogether. Take the amount of time you were gone and double it and that is probably the time it will take to heal things completely.

You can get through this--I have heard the love in your posts and I believe you when you write you are sorry. But I don't hear you fully connecting to how much pain you caused here, the amount of distrust that she built up, and the recognition that she probably has good reason to feel as she does.

You are going to hurt her when you say Slow down, but the way you do it can make a difference. Tell her you want to do it right and you haven't earned her trust yet and you feel that. Tell her you have to do a better job of it.

And then you have to believe that.

Time will help. Time time time. And LMNW, I think you ARE cut out for it. I think this is a lesson in love for you. I think it will help you to learn how to love unconditionally. I believe your XW will respond but you are going to have to be about 100 times more patient than you want to be, 100 times more giving than you think you should "have" to be.