Keep your compassion for your H, it serves you better in the long run than anger.
Watching and waiting is the hard part, but its all we can do. Loving with detachment and letting our spouses figure out what they need to.
It'll probably get worse for your H before things improve. Be there for your kids, work on yourself and fill your life with goodness.
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
I have a feeling that the situation with H will get worse before being better. I worry about his business and the finances as there appears to be no brake at the moment just spend, spend, spend.
Throughout this I have felt no anger as I know he is in a bad place. I have kept the anger for the OW although only once to his face a long time ago when he asked me if I wanted to meet her!
When he visits the children H makes lots of plans and promises only to subsequently forget them completley or change them without letting them or me know. This includes changing days he is coming to visit etc.
He had arranged with the children to spend christmas day at home. This plan has changed 3 times as OW got involved and controlled his contact. On Friday night he told D 19 that the next time he would see her MIGHT be christmas day when he brought the presents over. The same evening he told my mother he was spending the morning here. He hasn't told S15 and 13 the potential change in plan, which has been happening with increasing regularity. He was spending the morning here, which the children are expecting.
Do I stop this toing and froing by suggesting he doesn't come christmas day at all or is this a step to far on my part?
libby, I would have a nice chat w/him and suggest that rather than advising the children he "might" do this or he "might" come this day, he let you know what his schedule looks like so that you can ensure that the children are there. This changing of the plans is very difficult and confusing on the children. At least by working w/you, your children will not be disappointed over and over again. There has to be some stability in the mix for the children.
Your h is being controlled by a woman who wants to see him dance all over the place and destroy his connection w/his old life. Then again, he's not sure which end is up either. The confusion, etc. in his life is creating the ping pong effect.
Set the boundaries for what you would like to have for your children.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks for the advice and the insight into his life.
I sometimes loose my patience with him (in my head) because I lose the journey he is on.
Your insight into his current life is very helpful and has allowed me to detach again after our meal on Friday when OW kept texting him. He only has an hour or two with his children per week if their lucky and I was iritated by her texting him after they hadn't seen him for over 2 weeks. I know understand why he keeps replying to her to appease her!
Do I set a boundary around answering text to her whilst he is with his children or is that impossible as it is out of my control?
You don't want to come off as trying to control him, i.e., she's doing a mighty fine job of it. You could casually mention that it would be nice if he would cut the phone and/or blackberry off when he is visting w/his children. You might say, "h, you have so little time w/the children, wouldn't it be nice to spend it entirely w/them w/o the phone ringing? Your friends will understand that you are spending time w/your children and when you are on your way home, you can return the calls and have some privacy for your conversations w/them."
The more you point out issues w/the ow, the more he will continue doing what he's doing or he may even begin to stay away. He doesn't want to hear it. Also, the ow is very needy and insecure and that's why she continues calling.
It's a fine line to walk, but I think if you put the request to him as it would benefit him more so, he just may do it.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
This is son hard isn't it? I don't want to give OW any more power than she already has and become controlling yet I want what's best for the children so as they can maintain some sort of relationship with their dad.
I think initially I will organise the visiting schedule and then maybe tackle the texting when they are with him if it continues.
Interestingly on Friday after he texted her and she text back he frowned at the answer. I know that look and it mean't 'what are you doing/saying your pushing the boundary now'. He then stayed extra time with his children so I think your right about her becoming increasingly needy!
It's very difficult when there are children involved. You know your h better than anyone, so you will know how to set your boundaries. Just keep in mind, when discussing them w/him, stay calm, keep your voice even and calm. No finger pointing and do not raise the issue of the ow unless you have to.
It will get easier as you travel the mlc road.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I will keep repeating your advice on how to speak to H. I know raising isssue of OW is counter productive. Been there, done that and fell flat on my face!
