Question

[Lucky11too]

Hmm, that's a tough one. How do you feel the interaction is now between them? Is it more lovey-dovey, or just business like (like the above texts)? I mean you don't want to focus on OW, but on the otherhand, you don't want to be naive or taken advantage of either. It's good that tonight went well and that he iniated it. =) It does seem like the more he draws to you the more he should draw away from OW. I think you're doing good right now though and just continuing to be positive in front of him, especially b/c you have your goal of waiting for the anniversary. You have a lot to offer him in terms of S, and a family, and a loving W. You just keep doing what you can - I think that's all we can do...you're in hard situation, but you're doing good and staying strong despite it...

[ClingingToHope]

Look, Awest, I'm a guy and you aren't forcing him to make a choice. Chris Rock had a famous line that's being recycled because of Tiger Woods. "A man is only as faithful as his options."

You are allowing him to play the field. There's no consequences for him.

I never cheated on my W. I also was never presented any great opportunity -- an ex- who wanted me back or a co-worker who wanted to get it on. Maybe the opportunity was there for me to pursue, but I didn't see it.

I'd like to think -- and am pretty sure -- I would have turned it down because I'd have been terrified to lose my wife and family and my reputation.

Your H isn't scared of any of those things. He can live with one woman, have his wife and kid on the side -- and not even be financially responsible -- and even be calling a third for kicks.

No one is calling him on the carpet and saying this has to stop. Grow up. Pick one.

You are so scared he's going to pick the other one. He might not. And even if he does, you have a S together. That's a strong pull. So many affairs eventually flame out and then the sheepish WAS will figure out where they should have been all along and try to go back. Then you call the shots.

You've given me some 2-by-4s so I'm giving you one back. I don't think your H respects you.

[awest1217]

I agree CTH, but right now I am trying to at least get through our anniversary. I don't want to ruin the chance that possibly he is going to do something for me. After that...I just don't know. It is so hard. I read about how we are in a marriage and being a Christian W I need to stick to my marriage no matter what, but most of the readings are about H's who only have one affair...not multiple. So that is where I am struggling. I want to do the right thing, but at the same time, my situation is so different from so many because this isn't a one time deal.

I know he doesn't respect me. He never has, which is why I know he won't choose me. He has never chosen me. The one time I did an ultimatum with OW, he chose her. Now I don't know if he still will, but I am scared to be completely kicked to the curb when he has been doing more and more. There is progress, but you are right he doesn't have to choose, but then again I should be wooing him by showing what a great w I am. I just don't know....

Lucky, the most recent texts I read between H and OW he says he loves her, but he told me that for years, and had OW on the side. The texts with the old OW are like they used to be...very sexual. So he is playing all three of us, and I would love to just burst his bubble, but I want to wait until after the anniversary. I really think that will let me know where he truly is. Actually I want to wait until after the church time on the 20th. God can work miracles. He performed the biggest christmas miracle ever so many years ago. I am just praying he will do one for me.

[ClingingToHope]

I will pray for you. I'm really worried about this anniversary. He sounds like the type that will do something really nice ... and then when he gets a free moment he'll send a text to OW to make sure she's not going anywhere either.

I'm worried this will set you back.

Isn't infidelity one of the reasons the bible allows for a divorce? I hope you can get through this OK and be stronger after the holidays.

Respect is a big thing. When I was still in the house, my W was saying things to me like I was clingy, needy and couldn't move on. It was typical WAS stuff, but it also showed she'd lost respect for me.

I didn't do myself any favors by asking if she "was sure" or would go to counseling or a marriage group on four occasions in the first two months of being separated.

A major key, it seems to me, in divorce busting, is earning back respect you've lost.

In your case, it seems you are pretty quick to tell him you want him back or it was nice having him around. He may respect you more if you tell him you want nothing to do with him if he's living with OW on your anniversary.

Just a thought.

My anniversary is in April, towards the end. I'm going to buy two tickets to the Cubs that game. They are playing the Nationals so tickets should be available.

If things are going in a positive direction then I'll ask W. If they are the same or going in the opposite direction, I'll take a friend or meeting with a friend who lives in Chicago.

[awest1217]

Yes, the Bible does allow for divorce because of infidelity, but I have a personal strong conviction to stand by my marriage. That does not mean I will allow H to walk all over me either, but there are many things he is doing that is very different than ever before. I agree the "playing the field" is stupid right now because he should have done that BEFORE we got married, on the other hand, he was very immature then and although I encouraged him to date other girls when they came up (I was only his 2nd girlfriend), he always said no because he didn't want to lose me. I definitely know where you are coming from, but I feel in some ways I am gaining my respect from him back everyday that I show him I will love him despite his faults. There will come a day where he will have to make a complete decision, but right now I need to be loving without being cold.

I read a lot on the chapter about infidelity in DR. It says when H does not want to leave OW to show that you are better and be the best you, you can be. That is what I am doing.

So today H came over to help with cookies, which was a blessing because I would not have been able to finish without his help, plus take S to his first birthday party at Chuck E Cheese for his friend. I let him know it was a huge help, and he came out of the blue and without me asking. Then he is shopping to find better prices on gifts we had decided on for his family. When I got home with S, we needed to clean up from cookies, put stuff away, S was screaming, plus he got cupcake all over the place...let's just say it was horrible. I called my mom to come help me, but she was at a christmas party...and so was the rest of my family. So I am about to drop-kick S because he won't stop whining so I decide to call H. He sounds perturbed that I called so I got even more frustrated. To make a long story short, we started to fight, but I stopped it right away (the first time I saw a cycle and was able to stop before instead of after ). He said something that made me feel I was a bad mom for being overwhelmed one day in eight months and for calling him for help. I just said it offended me and said I was a very good mom. I left it at that and told him to just keep shopping. About 30 minutes later, for the first time in a long time, he apologized. He said I am an awesome mom and he was wrong for getting upset. He said I was a great person and thanked me for loving him. This isn't huge, but he acknowledged that I am loving him no matter what, which is the point.

I know have a lot going on, but I feel good about what I am doing. I am trying to save my marriage. When OW comes up, I let him know I am not ok with it, although there are not consequences from me, there are consequences. He has the least amount of money he has had since before we were married. He can't do anything without people showing their disgust by calling me to tell me when he is out with OW. He doesn't get to know S like he wants. He doesn't have many friends, and is missing them. So there are ways he is suffering consequences, but not by me. I am just showing love.

[awest1217]

Now I know where things stand. H text me and asked about next weekend. I asked why and he said that he wanted to plan something for our anniversary. Ok sounds good since Thursday would be hard to do something (he has always been the either it is big or nothing sort). He said he wanted it to be a surprise. Also ok with me. Then he said how S would be coming. There you have it. H is in this for the family. He is not at all concerned with being a good husband. Just a good dad. I am glad he wants to be a good dad and is fostering a good relationship there, but now I know. We may never be anything more than we are right now. Two people who had an extremely awesome son together.

I am going to go do whatever it is we will be doing, and have some fun. The next day is when H is coming to church so I am going to pray hard this week God will work on him while at church. He has been talking about doing a lot with everyone lately, which is good. He needs to be in church, but like I said...now I know and I didn't have to wait until Thursday.

So Thursday is a S and me day. I don't know if we will go out to eat still or not, but I am still going to look good and have a great day. Now it is a day like any others.

[Lucky11too]

I totally feel for you. You just want to do the right thing, but it's really hard to know what the right thing is. You want H to be able to see that you are a good and loving W and worth the 'sacrafice' of losing these OW's, but you don't want to be his doormat either. The fact that he's focusing on the family part of you guys isn't the worst thing in the world b/c with the strain you've had in your M, growth and healing has to start somewhere. Obviously I don't know your complete history, but it does seem like H is taking the steps toward you, but at some point he has to let go of all OW's. It's really hard to know who's getting played here - you, them, or all 3 of you. I agree with CTH that H can't continue to have his cake and eat it to with all 3 of you, but it's also all about timing. I think it's fair of you to have the experience of the anniversary together and going to church. I truly believe that God does work miracles - I know it's not always in our time or in the way we would have it though, but God's there. I know you just want to do the right thing and stand for your marriage and that takes a lot of strength to even do that. But like you're saying, just get thru these events, enjoy them, and then elevaluate them. Hopefully you'll have a more clear direction after this coming weekend. If what you are doing is working keep with it, but if not, you may have to try something different and paly a little more hardball (not being cold or harsh - but just being realistic and straight forward with him). And unfortuately, it you stand up for yourself and he choses OW, then you have your answer. I know the Bible talks about about the Christian spouse should not divorce the unbelieving spouse (which could be argued since H's actions are not how a believer would act) b/c thru you, you can bring spouse back to the family and Christ. But that if that unbelieving spouse does not want to stay, then you are free to move forward. I know it not what you or I want for either of our situations, but unfortunately we cannot control our H's, and if they don't want to stay, we don't have control over that. I just don't want you to feel like a failure if he does chose OW. You have and are continuing to do everything you can to save your marriage and that's very admirable. Keep going strong and I continue to pray for the best.

[ClingingToHope]

I wouldn't read too much into today. He may be thinking the S is the only reason you still have feelings for him.

[awest1217]

I don't think so because he knows if I didn't love him, then I wouldn't be doing everything I am so I think he knows that I love him. After church today I feel a lot better, although I didn't feel too bad. I am looking forward to this week being over so i can be on my two week break!

[awest1217]

So once again...I DON'T GET IT. H starts this afternoon texting me "what a day..." I say yeah me too. Then he says "are you ready for a vacation?" I was thinking he was talking about having two weeks off so I say "definitely". Then he says where do you want to go? If you could go anywhere where would it be. I gave him some options thinking he is just bluffing, and he saying he has found tickets to one place, but they are too expensive...DUH. We are still apart and have to pay double so of course we don't have enough money. Then I say maybe a couple of days in Chicago next week will be fun. He says yeah for our anniversary. I say I thought you already had plans and he says I do but I can change them if you want to get out of town. By this point I am fuming, frustrated, and just all around perturbed. I just say tell me where to be, when and what I need, and I will be there. I don't get him at all. He goes from Saturday saying he has everything planned to now...not, or changing it. I don't get it.

This is how every "surprise" went. H would "plan" something and then he would say something like he didn't have anything planned so I would say forget it and he would get mad. I would get disappointed and that would be it.

I just don't know what to think. I think I am overwhelmed because I am sick. Our anniversary is Thursday and we are not doing anything. H is spending all this money, but hasn't paid me yet. S is very clingy again. Many other things. Anyway just kind of complaining and I need to stop because at least H wants to do things with me.

Off to an early shower then "breakfast" for dinner. Yum!