Pls help--confused and fearful

[newmama]

DBD,
I'm so sorry. I know you will be okay but this sucks. Why would YOU file and not him? Does it make a difference for getting CS?
I know you already met with a lawyer. HE IS GOING TO REGRET THIS BIG TIME!!!! Is the transfer for sure?

[Day by Day]

I haven't responded to any TM or email. I'm not going to file either. I will drag my heels as long as I can. I hope his transfer is for sure. I really do. He needs to be alone and lonely in a new country. Be inconvenienced and away from OW. Hopefully then, he can't escape his emotions and realize what the he!! he has done.

I read a very interesting article about narcassists someone else posted on their thread.

http://www.globaltalkradio.com/shows/lovesafetynet/transcript11.php

It's pretty much DBing, but it was presented in a way that struck home for me. My narcassist WAH is attracted to the status OW has and her control. I've become needy, clingy, and weak. I've lost my boundaries and his respect and even my own self-respect. I have renewed strength to get a new life and live for me and I'm going to forget about trying to save my marriage. I'm going to be a stronger woman, get a NEW life, and try to stop a divorce.

BTW newmama, I saw The Women last night. More reinforcement for becoming a new me. Thanks for the recommendation!

[Day by Day]

Okay, now WAH is increasing the D pressure.

He TM me saying I will no longer receive support financially!! He said that I should know why. All I figure is that he learned that OW's ex is still talking to me. He had "warned" me before not to talk to him anymore.

I need to see a lawyer Monday morning.

[P17]

Keep that text. Don't respond to it.

And remember, just like him you are an adult. You can choose who to talk to. He's scared of you talking to OW's H as you'll find out more about their little secrets.

He is no longer going to support you and the kids financially because you spoke to somebody else?

He's playing a power game. Beat him at it by not playing.

Remember. He's not increasing D pressure. He's trying to wrestle control of the situation by doing the one and only thing he has control over, the finances. As you have no control over that, or him, let him do what he wants.

Step 1 - Make provision. See a lawyer. Know your rights. Get support for you and the kids.

Step 2 - Fight for the M (if you still want to do that).

[newmama]

Daybyday, that is bullshit! I am not a lawyer and still know, common sense wise, that he CANNOT stop supporting you! So he is abandoning his kids? Even if he temporarily stopped supporting you, when you get the law on your side, he will definitely pay! I live in a no fault state, but hopefully you don't and can use infidelity as grounds for divorce. Even in my state, the WAS has to pay alimony for a year if the LBS has been unemployed or a stay at home spouse.

I am surprised and pleased that you signed your post with a smiley face. I hope this means that you know it is complete BS as well! Please keep us updated.

(BTW I am glad you were inspired by the movie...even if the two of you don't work out, you can see an option where you will be THRIVING in a new life.)

Like P17 said, DO NOT RESPOND. Who gives a flying F who you talked to? HE was the one who made this grave mistake! ((((Daybyday))) Use your anger to stay strong, keep the higher ground like you have been, and still make it a point to celebrate the holidays in light of all this. IN HIS FACE!!!!Ha!

[Day by Day]

P17, I did respond but did via email.

Here's what I said:

"You texted me that you are "cancelling my paychecks until further notice". Do you know that that is abandonment? You cannot abandon your children financially, there will be serious legal consequences for you if you do that. I believe you have a lawyer and should verify with her if you should do that.

And as for knowing why you are doing that, NO, I do not and you have no right to do that anyway."
I should have waited and read your post. Thanks so much for your input P17. You always have such good advice. It's been hard for me to see clearly. I see now that he is trying to get control of the sitch and playing a power game. I shouldn't have played... but hopefully what I wrote wasn't too bad for me.

The man is an alien! Can't believe he's doing this to us right before Christmas and hurting our kids this way. He is so different. This person I want out of my life forever. He's not my husband.

[newmama]

Oh, and I don't know how you feel about this, but I found a post earlier today about a LBS who resisted her WAS's desire for separation:

(original link: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1877921#Post1877921

Journaling:

H came home at 8:30 last night on a night he had to "work". lol that is a 180 for him!

BUT... made a point of telling me he still is "leaning" towards separation and doesn't want to "take too long" for us to look at that.

What did Rocked do?

STOOD MY GROUND, people. I stood my ground.

I told H again last night, in no uncertain terms that I will not agree to a separation at this point. I told him that I continue to choose this M and if he chooses to move out that is HIS choice and his alone to own to our kids and everyone else. H got a bit agitated and said, "I knew this would end up being about YOU and my issues that I am struggling with would get lost." OMG did I have to bite my tongue! And, I did. I remained calm and said, "I will be more than happy to help you sort out your issues, but not with OW in the picture. As long as she is in your life, then my focus is on what is best for our M and my stand is non-negotiable."

H got really quiet. Then said, "I don't know what I want." I said, "I know you don't. And I don't think you will be able to figure that out with OW in the picture."

H said, "You are awfully nice to someone who has betrayed you." I said, "It is not about being nice, it is about doing what is right."

I know H did not sleep well last night. I did.

[Day by Day]

Knew I could count on a post from you too newmama!

I live in a no-fault state too. I do have a long term marriage on my side for a good amount of alimony though. And he'll have to pay for my schooling to get back into the workforce since I've been a SAHM for over 12 yrs.

I do know that it is BS from WAH about his message. He's spinning out of control. He's the one that got OW's ex into my life! OW's ex is a pain in the @ss to them and they deserve it. He will have to deal with him the whole while he is with OW. He harasses his ex constantly. And I don't think things are so great at work, but I'm just speculating.

((newmama)) Thanks for your support!!

[Day by Day]

Okay, another nasty TM.

"May I suggest you get a job to start paying your bills. I told you not to bite the hand that feeds you. I was not kidding. Kids can gladly move with me since I can provide for them while you find a place you can actually afford."

This is BS, right? Taking deep breaths. He's really trying to rattle me. It's because I spoke with OW's ex.

He's trying to force me to file, right? Am I see this right? I'm trying so hard not to respond. I am wanting to defend myself for speaking with OW's ex. Darn it. I'm getting nervous.

[P17]

P17, I did respond but did via email.

Here's what I said:

And as for knowing why you are doing that, NO, I do not and you have no right to do that anyway."

2x4 - you played right into his hands. This is what he wanted you to do - get angry. Now he has control back.

Bear in mind he has every right to do what he wants, in his head. The law may say otherwise but he still can exercise the his right to not pay you. If he does, like his A, his right / action has a consequence.

IGNORE EVERY SINGLE CONTACT FROM HIM UNTIL YOU COME BACK HERE FOR ADVICE. DO NOT ACT ON YOUR EMOTIONS.

I should have waited and read your post. Thanks so much for your input P17. You always have such good advice. It's been hard for me to see clearly.

We all understand exactly where you are at. We've been there. Don't think you're any different to any of us - you're not!

I see now that he is trying to get control of the sitch and playing a power game. I shouldn't have played... but hopefully what I wrote wasn't too bad for me.

That is exactly what he is doing. 100%. He has no control over his life at the moment. The only thing he can control, with you, is the finances. That is why he is doing this. Nothing else. He is trying to punish you, the only way he knows how, for not playing HIS game.

The man is an alien! Can't believe he's doing this to us right before Christmas and hurting our kids this way.

That is WHY he is doing it. To cause the most amount of hurt.

He is so different. This person I want out of my life forever. He's not my husband.

Most WAS get kidnapped by the little green men. I don't want W back either, at least not the one she is now.

He is so different because - guilt and hurt.