Naej, yes sorry, I think a lot is lost in traslation. Especially when I am upset. Last night he was trying to convince me to not make any D decisions while telling me what I am asking is understandable but beyond him. "He cant change, he cant express his love to me, he loves me BUT..." So at one point I told him it is not accpetable for me to live with crumbs and I want to end this limbo no matter how hurtful it is for me -because it is.
Before he answered, I actually asked him to help me, do it, not stall, to not chicken out and just divorce, fast. He wouldnt answer, I asked him if he could just agree with me, he said he couldnt because "he wanted to try more". I told him I didnt want him to try more, I was asking him to stop trying and that I wanted him to agree with the divorce. He reluctantly said "ok...".
There isnt much I can do to move ahead full force with my life. My life is stable and OK. Not great, but ok. I have my job, my family, my friends, I am doing OK with money, I am ok. All I need to do now is to detach again, completely and REALISE this man CANT be my husband. He cant.
This friend of mine last night said, I am the only "basic, like I am needed to him to have an identity" in his life. Me and the kids are and because he cant imagine having the kids without having me in the pic, he will never divorce me. She said, "what he felt for you died and wont come back again, ever, you need to let go and divorce him". That kind of hurt I admit, hearing our best woman saying his feelings died and would never come back. But it fits the picture. Her theory fits the pic. He said that is not right but even his words, made me realise she is closer to the truth than anything. He wants to, he just cant love me.
Hey, his feelings died. You know? After the A (which he last night said, was not rosy at all after the secretive part), the years apart, his feelings were bound to die. Mine on the other hand, went into coma for more than a few times and every time, my will was to bring them back. Stupid me. It's ok, it wasnt meant to be. K
