Welp, you've gotten him into therapy and that is Big Step number one. There at least is something inside of him that has recognized that all may not be as it should, you know?
Give your counselor time to work. You've been to one, maybe two sessions? Your counselor is obviously on your side, and you letting him talk for you I think is your best bet right now. If you continue to 'push,' your H just may stop going altogether, and you don't want that.
Learning to set boundaries is going to be really tough for your H, and your empathy will work to your benefit. His mother may be the last one for him to overcome, so try to be patient. In the meantime, you can follow Lostlove's suggestions on finding things to do regardless of what H does.
I don't think you should ever let your H off the hook, but conversely, telling him you appreciate all the efforts he is making for your relationship could be encouragement he is in sore need of.
Patience. (I know that word probably makes you want to rip your hair out, hm?) Remember, the road to patience is through the empathy and tolerance we are able to offer to others. This may not move as fast as you want it, but you two have already started this jouney of healing together, and you are that much closer to finding your solutions than you were just a month ago.
Actually, he's the one who said he wanted to go to counseling...so there was no dragging him in on my part. We have our 3rd counseling session on Thurs. The first two were very difficult, and he did apologize to me after the 2nd one. We have had a more peaceful week this week, which has been nice for both of us.
Maybe when all is said and done, my H will even be able to say NO to my 15 year old daughter and her gaggle of friends. They're constantly talking him into driving them places; she knows that when I say NO that I mean it while H can usually be talked into things.
Cogal you are doing really well. Look back over your thread and you will see how far you have come in so short a time.
Alot of these boundary issues are to do with you H, but have you thought about some things you could be doing yourself.
One I might suggest is trying to understand the reasons behind your H actions, not automatically assuming they are something to do with you. I don't know if I have put that very well.
Also I expect there are some things you might like to do in your own life and you should think about what these might be.
Have you ever looked up at the black night sky and tried to spot the first star? I'd equate our relationship to that black, black sky over the last few months, but I think I spotted my first star last night:)
We've known that my H's brother's son had a hockey tournament this weekend for at least 3-4 weeks. The tournament is in the mountains about 2 hrs. from us and runs from Fri.-Sun. We had no plans to go and really weren't invited. We were leaving to drop teenagers off last night and then to go on a date together. My H's brother called at 7:00 p.m. to say that he wanted to come to our house to spend the night; my H actually told him NO and that we had plans for the night. I was speechless...both that his brother would call at that last minute and drive back and forth (2 hrs. each way) for the games AND that my H did say NO. We had a great date last night after that.
Our counselor gave him the task of working on his boundaries with the family and the assignment to initiate sex once a week. She suggested drawing a smiley face and giving it to me on the morning to indicate that he was planning to initiate that night. Well, he gave me a smiley face this morning. What's so cool about telling him to use a smiley face is that I've never received a single card from him that he didn't add a smiley face next to his name.
So, anyway I think I saw that first star and hope to see many more tonight!:)
H did give me the smiley face yesterday morning to indicate that he would be initiating. My daughter was off to her friend's house around 6:30 p.m. We grabbed some food shortly afterwards and watched some tv...and some more tv...
I'm not a night person at all but do try and stay up with H a lot of times just to spend time with him. He finally was ready to go to bed around 1:00 a.m. He held me but nothing else. He even took a Viagra before going to bed. I finally started crying around 2:00 a.m., which led him to do something. It was good but SO EMPTY for me. It's the same old "having to cry" to get him to touch me. I felt lied to and so hurt to be given the smiley face to anticipate a good night for us. Needless to say, I really don't want any more smiley faces from him. Before it was always just wondering IF something would happen, but to be told (via smiley face) that something would and then nothing happening was even worse.
I don't even remember how it feels to be desired...
After the deal with him telling his brother NO and then getting the smiley face, I felt so hopeful for our relationship. Now, I just don't know anymore.
Cogal I'm sorry to hear it did not go as well as you hoped. Remember this is a process and this night was just the first try. Look on it as a practise run and go forward from there. Why not ask your H about what happened. I mean why did he give you the smiley face, take the viagara and then not do anything? He clearly had the right intentions so what put him off? Next time will be better if you can sort this out. Don't be afraid to ask him, but do it in a nice way. If you feel you won't be able to do that right now maybe you should wait for your next C appt and talk about it there. But be positive. I guess this is not easy for your H either. He is making progress in what is really a very short time so give him another chance.
He said that he was waiting for me to initiate; he was supposed to be initiating per the counselor. As I stated before, I am not a night person so he frequently wants to stay up really late (past 2 a.m.) and then use the excuse that I fell asleep. If I stay up past midnight, I would say that he's guaranteed that outcome 95% of the time. He probably was looking for that again. I don't know why he'd waste the Viagra though because he only has the 6 sample pills, and our insurance doesn't cover the cost for Viagra.
He also said that we'd been snuggling on the couch, so he assumed that I knew what was coming...we do that every night while watching tv. There was nothing special going on Sat. night to lead me to believe anything - other than the smiley face that morning. We also had no kids, so there was no need for us to wait until they were in bed.
I think that what you need to do is get your feeling on this issue across to him in a non negative manner. I suspect that he does not realise how much this means to you. Again a good place to talk about these feelings might be with the counsellor.
In the meantime why not initiate something yourself. Be upfront about what you want. Tell him nicely that you were disappointed the other night and it would mean a lot to you if you two could make it right now. I don't think it matters so much who initiates as long as both participents are enthusiastic about taking part.
