W must have had another long night. She didn't show up this morning to see S7 off to school. Called her at the time I had to leave for work and after many rings, she answered. I asked if she was on her way to the house and she said she was just waking up (I could hear her alarm going off in the background). She apologized several times and said that she didn't ever want to mess up the morning arrangements we have. I told her that I wasn't mad, just checking to see if she was going to be here. Said I'd take care of it and we'd be fine, talk to you later and hung up. Had to take S7 over to our neighbors' to get on the bus with their S7 and arrived to work about 5 minutes late.
When we were together, she couldn't be on time for ANYTHING. Since our separation, W's actually done quite well at being here on time every school day, despite the fact that she is not a morning person at all. She's the one who insisted on being able to come over in the mornings, since otherwise, she'd only see S7 on the Saturdays when he spends the night with her (still think that was prompted by legal advice to avoid abandonment charges). I'll give her this one time. But if it continues, I'll just make arrangements and let her know that she won't be needed in the mornings anymore.
Me 45 WAW 36 S8 T 15 M 12 Multiple PA's since 6/07 W moved out 10/25/09 I filed D 12/29/09 Sitch
It's amazing to me how fewer words and independent actions seem to get WAW's attention more than all the begging/pleading ever did.
This morning, W was here on time before S7 went to school. She came into the kitchen as I was fixing his breakfast. She looked like $hit...stocking cap sitting on messed up hair, sweatsuit and coat...circles under her eyes. I, on the other hand, looked quite nice in blue button-down shirt and jeans (Friday is jeans day at my work) and Doc Marten's, wearing a new haircut and smelling fresh from the shower. She walked into the kitchen and said "Wow, you look really good today!". I thanked her and she came over and actually helped me get breakfast together so S7 could sit down to eat.
She mentioned that even though she had tomorrow off, she had an opportunity to work a banquet tomorrow night for extra money and wanted to know if S7 could stay with her tonight instead. I told her that I had plans for tomorrow night, but with the advance notice, I could get a sitter. She asked what I was doing, and I just looked at her, gave her a sly look and said "going out". She kept pressing me, and I told her that she didn't talk me to me about what she does and that she shouldn't expect me to either. We cleaned up the kitchen together and then she asked me if she could have a hug. I gave her a quick hug with a back-pat and let go. She looked up at me and asked "Who is she?". I just looked her in the eyes and kinda chuckled to myself.
I was about to have to head out to work, so I went to my office for my wallet/keys and she followed me into there. She asked again, "Who is she?". I asked her what made her think that there was a "She"? You know me better than that. She sat down and started breaking down. "The way you've been acting, it seems as if you are completely done with me. You don't really talk to me. You seem happier than you ever seemed with me. The hug you just gave me in the kitchen with the back-pat was barely a friend-hug." I just nodded.
She continued "I don't know how to act around you anymore. I don't feel comfortable here at the house. The way you responded to my text the other day was so...clinical...when all I really wanted was a hug from you. Now, it seems that you've decided that you are better off without me in your life...<sobbing> and I'M SO LONELY." I told her that I was sorry that she was feeling this way. She continued, "I've been working harder than I ever had at anything and I just feel like it's a losing battle. I have no life except for work, counselling and sleeping. I know you think I'm out having this wild time, going out to clubs and running around with guys, but I'm NOT. I don't even talk to my male friends anymore. I'm so exhausted every day, my roommate has to wake me up from the couch where I come in and pass out each night, just to tell me to go to bed." I agree that this has been really hard on all of us.
W asked about my Christmas plans, and said that she didn't want to spend another holiday like Thanksgiving. She wanted to know if she could spend it at our house as a family. I told her that I had planned on spending the evening and Christmas morning at my parents house, but I hadn't confirmed them with parents because we hadn't had a chance to to discuss the holidays. Told her that she was welcome to come over Christmas Eve and help me get Santa stuff ready for S7 and she could be here on Christmas morning when he gets up (didn't say anything about her staying here). She seemed to like the idea, although we didn't solidify the plans.
She spent the last few minutes talking about how bad things were financially, how little she made at her job, and how she's never "worked so hard to fail". I told her how proud I was of her for sucking it up and working so hard for herself. Also mentioned that I was proud of how she had been there for S7 in the mornings, since I knew she wasn't getting enough rest, and had even been quite sick some mornings. I mention that I've gone through some tough times as well, trying to manage the house, S7, unstable job, car problems and finances by myself. But, I said, I'm doing surprisingly good. I've learned a lot about myself...I guess I'm going through a personal growth period or something (thanks PDT for that paraphrased line). She asks if I'm seeing a IC, because of some of the words I've used "owning my problems", "taking responsibility for things that I can change". I admitted that I've been reading a lot and have been involved in some counselling. Didn't mention that it was this forum that I've received the counselling from.
Throughout this entire conversation, lasting maybe 15-20 minutes, she has tears rolling down her face, and I'm calm, collected, confident and caring. She asks me if she could have a "real" hug, and she grabs me tight, kissing me on the neck several times. I allow it to linger for a bit. I have to admit, it really felt good. Then I tell her I'm late for work, hug/kiss S7 and head out the door.
She sends me a txt message about 30 minutes after I get to work, saying "Thank you for talking with me this morning. I really needed it. I hope you have a great day."
My head is reeling a bit from her reactions to my changes. I'm certainly not getting my hopes up, only to have them crushed. I know that with the holiday season, she's probably more depressed than normal, particularly after spending Thanksgiving by herself instead of our family. I also know that the reality of her financial situation is probably starting to worry her, because if she's barely making it now, she's really going to be hurting in Jan when all "allowance" has been cut off. There was no mention of OM, and I have no idea if she's still in frequent contact with him. I still don't trust her true intentions at this point. But for the first time since we separated, I felt liked I wasn't talking to or looking into the eyes of an alien, and I felt like I was the strong one. Somehow it seems to have boosted my confidence a little, and it feels good.
Me 45 WAW 36 S8 T 15 M 12 Multiple PA's since 6/07 W moved out 10/25/09 I filed D 12/29/09 Sitch
It's amazing to me how fewer words and independent actions seem to get WAW's attention more than all the begging/pleading ever did.
This morning, W was here on time before S7 went to school. She came into the kitchen as I was fixing his breakfast. She looked like $hit...stocking cap sitting on messed up hair, sweatsuit and coat...circles under her eyes. I, on the other hand, looked quite nice in blue button-down shirt and jeans (Friday is jeans day at my work) and Doc Marten's, wearing a new haircut and smelling fresh from the shower. She walked into the kitchen and said "Wow, you look really good today!". I thanked her and she came over and actually helped me get breakfast together so S7 could sit down to eat.
She mentioned that even though she had tomorrow off, she had an opportunity to work a banquet tomorrow night for extra money and wanted to know if S7 could stay with her tonight instead. I told her that I had plans for tomorrow night, but with the advance notice, I could get a sitter. She asked what I was doing, and I just looked at her, gave her a sly look and said "going out". She kept pressing me, and I told her that she didn't talk me to me about what she does and that she shouldn't expect me to either. We cleaned up the kitchen together and then she asked me if she could have a hug. I gave her a quick hug with a back-pat and let go. She looked up at me and asked "Who is she?". I just looked her in the eyes and kinda chuckled to myself.
I was about to have to head out to work, so I went to my office for my wallet/keys and she followed me into there. She asked again, "Who is she?". I asked her what made her think that there was a "She"? You know me better than that. She sat down and started breaking down. "The way you've been acting, it seems as if you are completely done with me. You don't really talk to me. You seem happier than you ever seemed with me. The hug you just gave me in the kitchen with the back-pat was barely a friend-hug." I just nodded.
She continued "I don't know how to act around you anymore. I don't feel comfortable here at the house. The way you responded to my text the other day was so...clinical...when all I really wanted was a hug from you. Now, it seems that you've decided that you are better off without me in your life...<sobbing> and I'M SO LONELY." I told her that I was sorry that she was feeling this way. She continued, "I've been working harder than I ever had at anything and I just feel like it's a losing battle. I have no life except for work, counselling and sleeping. I know you think I'm out having this wild time, going out to clubs and running around with guys, but I'm NOT. I don't even talk to my male friends anymore. I'm so exhausted every day, my roommate has to wake me up from the couch where I come in and pass out each night, just to tell me to go to bed." I agree that this has been really hard on all of us.
W asked about my Christmas plans, and said that she didn't want to spend another holiday like Thanksgiving. She wanted to know if she could spend it at our house as a family. I told her that I had planned on spending the evening and Christmas morning at my parents house, but I hadn't confirmed them with parents because we hadn't had a chance to to discuss the holidays. Told her that she was welcome to come over Christmas Eve and help me get Santa stuff ready for S7 and she could be here on Christmas morning when he gets up (didn't say anything about her staying here). She seemed to like the idea, although we didn't solidify the plans.
She spent the last few minutes talking about how bad things were financially, how little she made at her job, and how she's never "worked so hard to fail". I told her how proud I was of her for sucking it up and working so hard for herself. Also mentioned that I was proud of how she had been there for S7 in the mornings, since I knew she wasn't getting enough rest, and had even been quite sick some mornings. I mention that I've gone through some tough times as well, trying to manage the house, S7, unstable job, car problems and finances by myself. But, I said, I'm doing surprisingly good. I've learned a lot about myself...I guess I'm going through a personal growth period or something (thanks PDT for that paraphrased line). She asks if I'm seeing a IC, because of some of the words I've used "owning my problems", "taking responsibility for things that I can change". I admitted that I've been reading a lot and have been involved in some counselling. Didn't mention that it was this forum that I've received the counselling from.
Throughout this entire conversation, lasting maybe 15-20 minutes, she has tears rolling down her face, and I'm calm, collected, confident and caring. She asks me if she could have a "real" hug, and she grabs me tight, kissing me on the neck several times. I allow it to linger for a bit. I have to admit, it really felt good. Then I tell her I'm late for work, hug/kiss S7 and head out the door.
She sends me a txt message about 30 minutes after I get to work, saying "Thank you for talking with me this morning. I really needed it. I hope you have a great day."
My head is reeling a bit from her reactions to my changes. I'm certainly not getting my hopes up, only to have them crushed. I know that with the holiday season, she's probably more depressed than normal, particularly after spending Thanksgiving by herself instead of our family. I also know that the reality of her financial situation is probably starting to worry her, because if she's barely making it now, she's really going to be hurting in Jan when all "allowance" has been cut off. There was no mention of OM, and I have no idea if she's still in frequent contact with him. I still don't trust her true intentions at this point. But for the first time since we separated, I felt liked I wasn't talking to or looking into the eyes of an alien, and I felt like I was the strong one. Somehow it seems to have boosted my confidence a little, and it feels good.
Thanks Puppy. I felt more calm and assured than I have since she left. Still, I believe nothing that she says and only 50% of what I see...
W called this evening before she got off work and said that her back was really hurting, and it looked like she wasn't going to to get out of work quite as early as she hoped. She said that she wouldn't be able to spend any quality time with S7 tonight, as it would be right before bedtime before she had him at her apt. Asked if it would be o.k. to come over tomorrow morning and take him out before she had to work the banquet tomorrow night. Acted very concerned that I would think this was just a excuse, and said that now that we're talking more, she wanted to be up front about everything, which was why she was calling to ask if it would be a problem. I agreed that this was the way I wanted it to be, for her to be straight with me all the time.
I had already planned for a "Family Movie Night" with S7 this evening, so I agreed that she could pick him up in the morning. S7 and I got a fire going in the fireplace, microwaved some popcorn and ate it and brownies while watching "Shorts" (decent movie) under a fleece blanket together. We cuddled during the "scary" parts and laughed together at some of the funnier moments.
When the movie was over, and I was tucking S7 into bed, he asked if he could call his Mommy. I dialed the number and gave him the phone. He hung up after about 30 seconds and gave me back the phone. She hadn't answered.
A little over 10 minutes later, she calls my phone and says she's sorry she missed my call. I hand the phone to S7 and they talk for a minute, then he gives me the phone. I said Hi and asked how she was feeling...if her back was still hurting. She said she was at Walmart picking up some stuff for tomorrow, so they wouldn't have to go there during their visit, and could concentrate on some of the places he wanted to go. Said her back was still killing her, but that she still had to get things done, since having only one day off a week wasn't enough to take care of things. This is nearly 2 hours after she got off work. We briefly discussed pickup time for the morning and said goodnight.
I really don't know if I believe a word she says. Only her actions over time will show me if she's really feeling the way she acted this morning, or if she was just trying to feel me out to assure herself she still had a "hot standby" in case things go bad. Just going to keep on with what I'm doing, though. Detach, 180...GAL. God only knows how long this roller coaster ride will last.
Me 45 WAW 36 S8 T 15 M 12 Multiple PA's since 6/07 W moved out 10/25/09 I filed D 12/29/09 Sitch
CC, you are really handling yourself with honor through all this. Your situation with Mr. Jones reminded me of a former poster -- his wife was the walkaway, and she had their family dog put down without a word to him until afterwards. The way you handled things showed so very much class and kindness, especially by comparison.
Counting Crows? Porcupine Tree? FlashForward? Fringe? You're my kinda people.
Courage, mon brave.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
CC, you are really handling yourself with honor through all this. Your situation with Mr. Jones reminded me of a former poster -- his wife was the walkaway, and she had their family dog put down without a word to him until afterwards. The way you handled things showed so very much class and kindness, especially by comparison.
I really appreciate those comments, K. I've always tried to be respectful, even when I have been hurting the worse. With the exception of the morning that I confronted her continued A after 4 months of her acting like she was "trying to work things out", I think I've succeeded in maintaining that respect, class and kindness towards my wife. Guess that's just the way I roll with someone I love. Makes setting boundaries a little difficult, but not impossible.
The situation with Mr. Jones was hard, but again, I had to put myself in her shoes and tried to do what was right, rather than allow it to come across as something vindictive. I know that I gained a few respect points for handling it the way I did.
Originally Posted By: Kettricken
Counting Crows? Porcupine Tree? FlashForward? Fringe? You're my kinda people.
I really liked that. My tastes are varied, and I sometimes catch a lot of flak for it. It's good to hear that there are other people out there interested in some of the same music/shows that I like. Counting Crows wrote the soundtrack to W's and my R. Their music will always have a special place in my heart. Way too painful to listen to these days, though. I'm practically fanatical about Porcupine Tree / Steven Wilson. He's my musical hero.
Me 45 WAW 36 S8 T 15 M 12 Multiple PA's since 6/07 W moved out 10/25/09 I filed D 12/29/09 Sitch
I was front-row for Porcupine Tree at the Showbox awhile back. I may still have imprints from the rail on my torso and I'm not sure my hearing ever came all the way back. Totally worth it.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
W had agreed to pick up S7 at 10am when we spoke last night. At 10:40 I texted her asking if she was still coming over to pick him up. She called back and said her alarm hadn't gone off. I asked if she wanted to just skip today, since she will have him tomorrow afternoon, and she said "No, not after letting him down last night. My hair is a mess...give me 30 minutes to jump in the shower and I'll be right over."
S7 is rightfully anxious, and I'm somewhat angry that she can't seem to be on time for him, when she knows he's waiting for her. I asked several times last night if she was sure that she could make the 10am pickup (even offered a later time), and she assured me "Yes, I want to have enough time to take him several places before I need to get ready for the banquet I'm working."
I plan on leaving the house when they do. Heading out for "lunch plans".
Me 45 WAW 36 S8 T 15 M 12 Multiple PA's since 6/07 W moved out 10/25/09 I filed D 12/29/09 Sitch
W finally showed up at 12:20...quite a bit longer than 30 minutes after I talked to her. Met her at the door with my coat on, and S7 bundled up ready to go. She obviously got the point, as she told S7 to hop in the truck, because Daddy is late for his plans. She apologized several times, although without any explanation. It was apparent that she hadn't used all that extra time to do her hair or makeup, as she looked like crap, with no makeup and wet hair pulled up on top of her head. I asked her when she would have S7 back, and she said at 5pm. Told her O.K. and drove off.
She wants S7 to come over tomorrow to her apt so he can play with roommate's s6. I'm telling her when she drops off son that she will no longer be doing the picking up. I will drop him off at the agreed upon times, and I will pick him up when we agree for pickup. I'm still angry. I feel like she is disrespecting me and my son. Grrrr...
I'm going out to lunch with a friend so I can shake this off.
Me 45 WAW 36 S8 T 15 M 12 Multiple PA's since 6/07 W moved out 10/25/09 I filed D 12/29/09 Sitch
Hi CC, Good thing you have a chance to go out for lunch with a friend to shake it off. Next interaction with her you need to be as non-reactive as possible. "Act as if" you had a great time today, you are GALing, etc.
You made your frustration clear with her disrespect of the times, that is setting a boundary... especially by saying you would do the pick ups and drop offs. Good for you!
Hang in there... you are doing a great job! Rocked
