Is this the end of my marriage?

[chatterbug]

P17 There is one theory that thrives here. And that is you do Plan A and Plan B for your spouse. This is not correct. This is all for yourself.

You do not do all this work to get back with her. You do this work to grow. This all about you now. No one else. Look who benifits the most from this. Your daughter. That is the first person who benifits from this. Life has some very hard lessons. This is one of the hardest. Going dark will give you the chance to grown and learn from this. You have a long life ahead of you. You will come out of this a better and stonger person. One who will know about boundaries. One who will stand up and be an equal in life.

But only if you take the time to learn the lessons being offered here.

I hope to learn them as well.

And as you read this I know your thinking that I am cycling. And yes I am. I am having a very hard week. First one in awhile. I know what triggered it. It was the comment that ladybug is living 3 to 4 days with OP and then at home.

So we support each other.

Vent away my friend. Your mom passed this week. My heart goes out to you. What ever I can do to help you the next few weeks I will.

P.S. this cycle has made me rather emotional. I even made ladybug a CD of tunes.

Do not worry I will not give it to her.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I'd appreciate if you could ju7mp back to my reply to your post and let me know how I do the 180 and remove the R as a possibility and also become a HARDASS while still keeping NC.

In my opinion your doing just that by GAL. The longer you go with no contact the more she will believe that the R is off the table. I do not think this is something you say or do but something that is communicated by just being the new confidant you.

This. ^


Puppy

[P17]

Update on todays 'goings on'.

Was away for the entire day working.

As I said above, IM was going to arrange with W to get her stuff to her. I asked IM this morning to ask W, when they met, to get D's car seat back. She texted back that she wasn't meeting W but somebody else.

W wanted IM to drop stuff off at her work. IM refused saying she'd drop it off at the store in the next town. W said she had arranged for somebody to pick it up.

OM turned up and IM gave her the stuff. She also asked him about D's car seat and got a grunt. To quote her, 'he was a cocky rude sh*t'. Sounded like he was brassed off. No pleases or thank you's. No, I'm sleeping with your friends W type of humble behaviour. Weird guy. Weird sitch.

D's mum was in W's store today and spoke to somebody she knows in there and asked what the story was with W. Apparently, W has been telling everybody that she an OM got together AFTER we split up. D's mum put the friend straight and said that it was actually the REASON we split up. Friend said that nobody knew this 'but they will now'. She is off to make sure everybody knows that. Small victory for the truth.

Finally, got a letter from my solicitor. W now has a solicitor representing her for the Separation Agreement (basically this will resolve any financial matters before D). It was a blow for a few seconds as I thought W was going to ignore this. I actually got my solicitor to send it to her so it's me initiating that to protect myself. This may be the start of the arguing though over who is entitled to what - I have a plan in place for each eventuality so I am not fussed in the slightest.

I feel a small victory today. OM and W are p*ssed at me because I didn't cow tow to delivering W's stuff to her and IM made them work for it. I know they will be talking about what an ar$e I am for being akward, which is good. I hope it ruins their evening.

Also I think that while W has some anger towards me, it's good. When she is apathetic then we have the end of the M? Yeah, no?

Still don't get OM. Still don't get why she is with him. I can only imagine he is the 'father figure', unavailable man, and maybe 'he treats her mean and keeps her keen'. He's 45 in a week, has no career / trade / skill (he was working for a supermarket driving vans and now he is working for a scheme that insulates people's houses!?!), has two kids he doesn't see, moved in with W after getting out of a R with somebody else, never dated W, never been intimate .... yada yada yada ... I've said it all before. It never fails to baffle me. Even with the love drugs, I think I'd be very apprehensive. Don't know about them though. Everything I have heard about him is negative - even just the stories that W has told people! She may be blissfully happy, but I kind of feel a little sorry for her ... is that normal?

She's went from a loving marriage (okay we had problems but I never once didn't think she loved me), a step-D (she always wanted kids), a loving H who had all the traits she looked for (she wrote a little 10 point sheet when she was 14 about what she looked for in a husband, and it was something she showed me and stuck to - I had 9 out of the 10 I think), wanted kids, we had a home, reasonable jobs, I have my own business .... anyway, as I said she may be blissfully happy but I can't help thinking 'how the mighty have fallen'.

On a brighter note, P now has 5 sets of outdoor lights, tinsel by the mile, real tree, baubles .... the house is going to look like the one out of National Lampoon Xmas Vacation shortly! Two fingers to the W.

[Day by Day]

P17, I feel the same about my WAS about who he is with. I don't understand it. She is so different from me and he's controlled by her. He was controlling with me instead!

I also was thinking about how "pride comes before the fall" in my sitch. Starting to see it happen...

Great job with the Xmas decorating!

[newmama]

D's mum was in W's store today and spoke to somebody she knows in there and asked what the story was with W. Apparently, W has been telling everybody that she an OM got together AFTER we split up. D's mum put the friend straight and said that it was actually the REASON we split up. Friend said that nobody knew this 'but they will now'. She is off to make sure everybody knows that. Small victory for the truth.

I think I read that many WAS say the relationship started after the split! I wonder if people will believe the truth.

She may be blissfully happy, but I kind of feel a little sorry for her ... is that normal?

Yeah, you feel sorry for her because she is giving up such a good catch for a LOSER! I feel the same for my WH.

On a brighter note, P now has 5 sets of outdoor lights, tinsel by the mile, real tree, baubles .... the house is going to look like the one out of National Lampoon Xmas Vacation shortly! Two fingers to the W

WOW, you really are going all out this year! Your D will love it!! Now what does "two fingers to the W" mean? Is that a Scottish version of flipping her off or is it Victory?

[P17]

I think I read that many WAS say the relationship started after the split! I wonder if people will believe the truth.

I don't know to be honest. W will probably be angry that I am telling people. However, my view is that I'm actually only telling people that have heard the lies, the truth. I'm not speaking to anybody about it who doesn't know anything. If she hadn't told them, I would have to correct her.

Yeah, you feel sorry for her because she is giving up such a good catch for a LOSER! I feel the same for my WH.

It's said THEY never see it that way!

I have to say, whatever I read and understand about this, and how ever much I like to vent, this bit I will never actually get. My W is just screwed up and desperate.

WOW, you really are going all out this year! Your D will love it!! Now what does "two fingers to the W" mean? Is that a Scottish version of flipping her off or is it Victory?

It's the Scottish version of flipping her the finger ... Think of Churchill's V for victory fingers and turn them around so the Churchills V faces you ...

For want of a bit of history about it (which I like).

English archers used long bows which were far superior to anything the French had during the numerous Anglo-French Wars. Because the English longbowmen were so dangerous, whenever the French captured them they would cut off the two fingers that allowed them to draw the bow back. The English, in defiance, used to stick those two fingers up to show the French that they still had them.

There you go. Not only is this forum helping us deal with our WAS's it's also educational

[P17]

At least your IM attempted to be an IM. Mine. Did not do so well.

I think once the IM get's into the swing of things a bit more she'll be fine. She handled the xmas stuff swap fine once I'd spoken to her and gave he my support. We will no doubt be back here for more advice though when something we can't handle pops up.

Catch you on the ALT. Next time I go home... I should take a flight up to visit.

You know where I am now! Good to see you

P17 There is one theory that thrives here. And that is you do Plan A and Plan B for your spouse. This is not correct. This is all for yourself.

I definitely got that. And it is helping. Here is also letting me vent which is fantastic as the only other place would be at W and that's not effective!

However, most of our ultimate goals is to get the WAS back.

Going dark will give you the chance to grown and learn from this. You have a long life ahead of you. You will come out of this a better and stonger person. One who will know about boundaries. One who will stand up and be an equal in life.

I actually see that happening already. P that W left has almost gone totally (needy, clingy etc.). The original P, the P I was when I met W, is back in control almost all the time. He's a good guy. He's a guy I like. He's a guy who is understanding, considerate, loving and supportive. He is also a guy who doesn't let people walk all over the top of him.

And as you read this I know your thinking that I am cycling. And yes I am. I am having a very hard week. First one in awhile. I know what triggered it. It was the comment that ladybug is living 3 to 4 days with OP and then at home.

Cycling is good though. It shows us what stage we are at in the process and reminds us that we're not quite there yet. It also reminds us that we still have feelings for WAS and those feelings need to be protected.

Vent away my friend. Your mom passed this week. My heart goes out to you. What ever I can do to help you the next few weeks I will.

Thanks cutter. I know that I'd be so much worse off without this forum and the support from it.

P.S. this cycle has made me rather emotional. I even made ladybug a CD of tunes.
Do not worry I will not give it to her.

That's good. It would be so easy for you to give it to her. You're much further down the road than maybe you think cutter. I truly hope that ladybug does wake up soon - or she'll lose you forever.

[chatterbug]

Hey P just checking in. How are the two of you doing?

Stay dark my friend. I got outta my funk... Ended up having a good Friday night. 2 friends were to come over but one was sick so one just came over. And I made Irish Stew and we chatted away for 5 hours like it was 2 hours. We spent most of the night talking about boundaries and music. Good evening. If I could send you a tupperware container with some stew for you and your daughter I would.

[P17]

Hey P just checking in. How are the two of you doing?

We're doing good just now. My dad came up to see us for a week so he is here just now.

Stay dark my friend. I got outta my funk... Ended up having a good Friday night. 2 friends were to come over but one was sick so one just came over. And I made Irish Stew and we chatted away for 5 hours like it was 2 hours. We spent most of the night talking about boundaries and music. Good evening. If I could send you a tupperware container with some stew for you and your daughter I would.

LOL that sounds good to me! I haven't really cooked much of anything since W left back in September!

Glad yo had a good night. I've discovered that talking away about the sitch and me is actually better therapy than talking about W.

Staying dark is my only option just now. I'm glad I've done / doing it as it is helping me sort this out. I feel a thousand times better than I did at the start of this mess. However, I have my good and bad days (as we all do). These last two to three days have been pretty good.

[P17]

Another update / vent.

W has removed my D as a friend on her Bebo page. Very childish thing to do. But maybe it is her way of detaching herself from us. Or maybe, as I suspect, she's thrown a strop.

IM has texted W about D's car seat so she has been asked about it twice now (OM was asked too). No response which isn't like her. Again. looks like she has thrown a strop.

W was given the xmas stuff she asked for, except out of the 8 or so items she asked for she got two and those were the ones she had since she were a kid. The rest now decorate the house.

So either W has taken the hint and is going NC herself, detaching and forgetting about me, and in particular D (which is what really upsets me) or she has thrown a strop. Not sure which.

As I said above, what really upsets me is here complete lack of fight or passions to ask or even see D. She has been part of D's life since she was 2. She's helped bring her up throughout most of her developing years. She has photos, cards, letters etc. of D that I gave her before NC (in fact I actually gave her 2-3 photos the week before NC). She has a large framed photo of D that she took with her when she left (she asked if she could have it) and she has a box of memories of D. D and W adored each other and were inseparable. She has all of this stuff and yet, since she left in September she hasn't asked ONCE how D is, how this is, how was school, how was that. Not ONCE.

D is like a daughter to W. I always considered W to be D's mum. D considered her to be a mum. This is how we all treated each other.

I know it's the fog, but how many WAS forget COMPLETELY about their kids?

However, really, COME ON, stand up and FIGHT for once in your bl**dy life woman! Come to my house. Demand to see your step-D. Tell me you will do whatever you need to (and I don't mean drop the A as that would be for me not D) to see her. Tell me you're sorry she is affected but you will do what you need to to stay in her life. Tell me you love her and tell me you want to be part of her life, however small. Just tell me SOMETHING. It's so frustrating and upsetting. I obviously married the wrong woman for me and D.

So W is playing me at my own game now. She's gone NC too Makes me laugh a little bit.

I am waiting for the nasty dagger to be thrown my way as some of you predicted. I think it will come in the form of the separation agreement and her wanting half of my house and business. That will upset me, a lot, but it won't sway me.

For her to throw a strop, as I said in my post yesterday, means she is angry at me. You don't get angry at somebody you feel nothing for, right? The opposite of love is apathy, not anger, etc.