How funny...you have no idea how many times I tried to log in before I hit upon the right username/password. And I consider that a good thing.
Don't get me wrong...This place meant the world to me at one time. And I will forever be grateful to you, Ozzie, Ian, Betsey, and Meredith. You guys reminded me of my value. Sometimes daily when needed.
As you know, we are on two very different paths. I look reconciliation in the eye quite often...and I guess deep down I know it can happen if I want it to. And that is where this place starts to hurt. I told a very good pal tonight that witnessing her journey scares me to no end. As did yours, too, Lis. I can remember you posting about your XH stating to someone when you were out (and very separated) that you were HIS WIFE. Man, those words rang in my ears each time he did something stupid and as I watched him continue his other relationship. I wanted so badly for that to be the happy ending right then and there... you know, "She is MY wife," as he bent you over and kissed you hard while birds chirped in the background...just before you went on to live happily ever after together. And dammit, when that didn't happen, I was pissed. Oddly enough, I was pissed at my own X. Was he saying words that didn't match his actions? Cuz Lis, you know that he had a lot of words to say to me. And I remained so guarded. I couldn't relax, and I overthought every little thing...Rain Man-like, huh Ian???
I should have turned away from the board. Not you guys, but the sad, sad stories. You all know how it is to pull for someone's relationship only to watch it fall apart. For me, it made me question my own relationship. And living like that, it really hurt me.
If I sound as if I am blaming anyone other than myself, you are wrong. I feel priveledged to have been allowed access into the lives of people at their most raw.
You are right, you had to go through what you did. As did I. And darn you for pulling out my favorite Maya Angelou quote. I am sitting here with tears in my eyes...but it is a mixture of love and gratitude for my friends that is doing that, and I am not even thinking about my relationship.
If I have any advice it is definitely to live your own life, and don't let the lives of others affect your relationship. When this becomes a place that makes you feel worse, it is time to leave. Not forever, of course. But breathers are so very important.
Someday when I really learn to detach, I will post again. : )
Thanks, Lis, for showing me true goodness and pure love. You have a gift for making people better than what they were.
