Question--what signs did your WAS give to let you

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Hi New Mama,
I am drawn to your name. My XH left when DD was 14 months old, but he withdrew during my pregnancy and was flirting w/OW when she was about the age of your child, and I felt so terribly alone. At this point I am not a success story in terms of marriage, but I am moving forward with my life. And while I am probably not the best to advise on marriage, I think I can identify with your situation and perhaps share some ideas.

First, I know how hard it is to take care of yourself and GAL when you have a new little one. I hope you have the support you need to take good care of yourself, esp. if you are breastfeeding. If you are able to get out and get a new sweater or get your hair done or just get a cup of coffee and read a little bit, do try to do so. If you do not have a support network, that might be your first step. I did not have a support network and so I did not have somebody to watch DD for even a short time and I probably went a year without even a few minutes to myself. This was terribly detrimental to me and to my mental health.

Second, do not underestimate how hard the hormonal situation is. Between the stress of my marriage and the hormones, I was unable to think very clearly. I couldn't remember things--that was the big thing.

Post partum depression is real and it hits women harder when they have no support. For me, I slowly started feeling better at the 1-year mark. I would describe it as being like a cloud lifting. I took some ADs but probalby not enough. Also note that I also found that because I was depressed, I was not taking very good care of myself. I was wearing dark colors, no makeup, not showering sometimes. You might need ADs. I am just saying this because I think it is important to recognize that post partum depression is more likely in the situation you are in, but it DOES end. A year is a typical mark, as I understand it.

Third, I don't want to sound as if I am contradicting my first statement, but while you need to give yourself a break from child care sometimes, you will not regret having time with your little one. I look back and I know that I did the right things. It's an option not to do anything for a while. Give yourself a chance to physically recover (do not underestimate this whole process) and on your beautiful baby.

I think my XH freaked when I got pregnant. Pregnancy is a risky time for affairs. I think he's had some regret but I haven't seen it expressed.

Now DD is a sweet little girl and we are past the terrible twos. I have backed way out of his R with her and things have improved in that regard, as he has shown somewhat more interest in her, slooooowly.

Also, once you are through the shell shock that hits all new parents, you will begin to be able to talk more with other parents. I found that these relationships sort of surfaced around age 3. Now I hang out with some of my DD's friends' parents.

XH is still w/OG and I hope to see her disappear at some point, but I am also starting to care less.

I hope your situation is different from mine but I want you to know that I do understand and urge you to take gentle care of yourself.