Coping with Bi-Polar WAW

[CountingCrows]

It's amazing to me how fewer words and independent actions seem to get WAW's attention more than all the begging/pleading ever did.

This morning, W was here on time before S7 went to school. She came into the kitchen as I was fixing his breakfast. She looked like $hit...stocking cap sitting on messed up hair, sweatsuit and coat...circles under her eyes. I, on the other hand, looked quite nice in blue button-down shirt and jeans (Friday is jeans day at my work) and Doc Marten's, wearing a new haircut and smelling fresh from the shower. She walked into the kitchen and said "Wow, you look really good today!". I thanked her and she came over and actually helped me get breakfast together so S7 could sit down to eat.

She mentioned that even though she had tomorrow off, she had an opportunity to work a banquet tomorrow night for extra money and wanted to know if S7 could stay with her tonight instead. I told her that I had plans for tomorrow night, but with the advance notice, I could get a sitter. She asked what I was doing, and I just looked at her, gave her a sly look and said "going out". She kept pressing me, and I told her that she didn't talk me to me about what she does and that she shouldn't expect me to either. We cleaned up the kitchen together and then she asked me if she could have a hug. I gave her a quick hug with a back-pat and let go. She looked up at me and asked "Who is she?". I just looked her in the eyes and kinda chuckled to myself.

I was about to have to head out to work, so I went to my office for my wallet/keys and she followed me into there. She asked again, "Who is she?". I asked her what made her think that there was a "She"? You know me better than that. She sat down and started breaking down. "The way you've been acting, it seems as if you are completely done with me. You don't really talk to me. You seem happier than you ever seemed with me. The hug you just gave me in the kitchen with the back-pat was barely a friend-hug." I just nodded.

She continued "I don't know how to act around you anymore. I don't feel comfortable here at the house. The way you responded to my text the other day was so...clinical...when all I really wanted was a hug from you. Now, it seems that you've decided that you are better off without me in your life...<sobbing> and I'M SO LONELY." I told her that I was sorry that she was feeling this way. She continued, "I've been working harder than I ever had at anything and I just feel like it's a losing battle. I have no life except for work, counselling and sleeping. I know you think I'm out having this wild time, going out to clubs and running around with guys, but I'm NOT. I don't even talk to my male friends anymore. I'm so exhausted every day, my roommate has to wake me up from the couch where I come in and pass out each night, just to tell me to go to bed." I agree that this has been really hard on all of us.

W asked about my Christmas plans, and said that she didn't want to spend another holiday like Thanksgiving. She wanted to know if she could spend it at our house as a family. I told her that I had planned on spending the evening and Christmas morning at my parents house, but I hadn't confirmed them with parents because we hadn't had a chance to to discuss the holidays. Told her that she was welcome to come over Christmas Eve and help me get Santa stuff ready for S7 and she could be here on Christmas morning when he gets up (didn't say anything about her staying here). She seemed to like the idea, although we didn't solidify the plans.

She spent the last few minutes talking about how bad things were financially, how little she made at her job, and how she's never "worked so hard to fail". I told her how proud I was of her for sucking it up and working so hard for herself. Also mentioned that I was proud of how she had been there for S7 in the mornings, since I knew she wasn't getting enough rest, and had even been quite sick some mornings. I mention that I've gone through some tough times as well, trying to manage the house, S7, unstable job, car problems and finances by myself. But, I said, I'm doing surprisingly good. I've learned a lot about myself...I guess I'm going through a personal growth period or something (thanks PDT for that paraphrased line). She asks if I'm seeing a IC, because of some of the words I've used "owning my problems", "taking responsibility for things that I can change". I admitted that I've been reading a lot and have been involved in some counselling. Didn't mention that it was this forum that I've received the counselling from.

Throughout this entire conversation, lasting maybe 15-20 minutes, she has tears rolling down her face, and I'm calm, collected, confident and caring. She asks me if she could have a "real" hug, and she grabs me tight, kissing me on the neck several times. I allow it to linger for a bit. I have to admit, it really felt good. Then I tell her I'm late for work, hug/kiss S7 and head out the door.

She sends me a txt message about 30 minutes after I get to work, saying "Thank you for talking with me this morning. I really needed it. I hope you have a great day."

My head is reeling a bit from her reactions to my changes. I'm certainly not getting my hopes up, only to have them crushed. I know that with the holiday season, she's probably more depressed than normal, particularly after spending Thanksgiving by herself instead of our family. I also know that the reality of her financial situation is probably starting to worry her, because if she's barely making it now, she's really going to be hurting in Jan when all "allowance" has been cut off. There was no mention of OM, and I have no idea if she's still in frequent contact with him. I still don't trust her true intentions at this point. But for the first time since we separated, I felt liked I wasn't talking to or looking into the eyes of an alien, and I felt like I was the strong one. Somehow it seems to have boosted my confidence a little, and it feels good.