My H is a very good man. The boundary issue is something the counselor is having us work through. I just finished reading the book "Boundaries" that was assigned reading by our counselor and could absolutely pick out the circumstances that apply to our situation. I could also easily see what is going on between the entire family and the continous support of his adult (well, she's 36 anyway) sister. I spent the first 2.5 years of our relationship alone on every single holiday (from Halloween to Christmas) while he went to spend the time with his family. I finally said that I was not going to do that anymore; he did start including me at that point.
I really believe the husband/wife relationship needs to come first. I have to make sure that I put our relationship in that spot as I have 2 teenagers from my prior marriage, who also need my attention. It takes work. I don't think my husband even looks at it as "them" or "me" though. I really don't think he's capable, at this point anyway, of ever having "me" as part of the choice. He's just gone along with what his family wants for too long. I hope the counseling helps him to put US first. Our relationship is really important to me, and I love him very much.
I agree with you that the h/w relationship needs to come first, but what you are doing is putting him in an either/or situation. HE doesn't view it that way, YOU do.
It's either me first or them first.
If I have misinterpreted this, please correct me.
I believe what everyone here has been suggesting to you is an alternate route to the either/or, and you and your h can both win.
It could be that he doesn't include you because you have made it very clear you view his family as an infringement on your life -- so he may just assume you don't want to participate.
This you could clear up very easily by asking him.
Yes, I do think you misunderstood what I was saying. When we were dating he flat out told me that he would NEVER put me before his family or friends. He proceeded to do that for the 2.5 years that I mentioned even though we were a couple and were telling each other "I love you"...I'm not referring to casual dating. At that point, I did tell him that I was not staying in a relationship where I was spending every single holiday alone. He did start including me then, AND I did participate (and still do).
And yes, his family is infringing on our time together. We have been trying to plan a weekend alone for some time, planning around his hockey schedule and my kids' schedules. We have given up two potential weekends because of his family coming to town. The first time, his brother said that he "might" stay with us, then it was that he "would probably" stay with us "maybe 1 night or maybe 2 nights." We didn't find out if he would or wouldn't until he came to our house. However, we had put on plans on hold just in case, which I think wasn't the right thing to do. The next time, his mother said she was coming to town on Sun. and then cancelled the day before. We had put our plans on hold yet again. Now, we can't even attempt to plan anything again until probably at least Feb.
Hey, I'm not greedy here...I just would like US, as a couple, to be first some of the time, and I don't think that's unreasonable.
So in essence what you are saying is, if you plan anything with your H, that's all fine and dandy as long as no family member calls up wanting/needing something, because if they do, regardless of previously made plans, you are dropped and he will attend them -- and in the process, you may or may not be included.
Quote: Hey, I'm not greedy here...I just would like US, as a couple, to be first some of the time, and I don't think that's unreasonable.
I don't think it's unreasonable either...however..h told you long ago that his "family" would always come first..that hasn't changed. SO you have a choice..either be mad at him about it or look forward to a time when they're all dead and can't bother the two of you anymore. (ok that was harsh..but hey it was said to me by my h once) fact is you do see h every day right? if you and h make plans to do something and he is willing to break the plans with you to be there for them you have a choice either be there with him and his family or go do what it was you had planned anyway.
Yes, he did tell me that. However, he cannot see that he is still doing it. I have been seeing it, the counselor spotted it immediately as he talked, but my H only thinks that he's saying things that make it appear that way.
Believe me, the last thing I want to do is shut his family out of OUR lives (we do have a life together now). I just would like my H to be able to simply tell them when we do already have plans; I'm not asking him to lie about having plans.
He didn't seem to have a problem with telling his brother "No." He is afraid of his mother's reaction though. He's afraid that she will jump all over him, and he's probably right about that.
Quote: He didn't seem to have a problem with telling his brother "No." He is afraid of his mother's reaction though. He's afraid that she will jump all over him, and he's probably right about that.
is there any way that you can sympathize with him as opposed to making it a him and them against you thing?
families that don't have boundaries are very difficult to deal with...my h is just learning that he can say he wants to stay home on holidays etc...though this past 4th of july he did have an hour long convo with his uncle (who has family over on the 4th) about us having our own cookout here and how it was unfair yada yada yada...in past years h would have just gone there too just to keep the peace...taking the stand is not always easy and harder to do the closer the family is and even harder to do when empathy and support is not there from the spouse. That is not to say that you are not supportive of him.
sorry this was short a very small pooh bear (halloween costume) is beggin me to get away from the puter.
