Have you H4L and Trent, considered Retrouvaille either instead of or in addition to MC? It is not the same, and many times, has better results.
I've looked into it; the next Retrouvaille meeting in my area isn't until February.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
My H is not interested in Retrouvaille because he heard it was "Catholic" and is not open to that. Is that true? I heard it is "Catholic based" but not "pushy" in that area. Can anyone comment on that? H is open/willing to return to MC though... so likely where we are headed.
Retrouvaille is Catholic in origin. Couples of all faiths and those with no faith tradition are welcome and encouraged to attend. Christian Multi-Denomination (CMD) weekends may also be available in some areas. On CMD weekends, a Christian minister and spouse take the place of the priest on the presenting team.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
It is not a completely secular program, but it also is not preaching. Over the course of the weekend, they did mention God and Jesus a few times. In my opinion, and I am not Christian, they did not over do the religious aspect. They receive financial support from the Catholic Church to save marriages. They are interested in saving marriages, of any faith or non-faith. They don't make a play for your soul.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
Sorry to hijack here - does it count if H says he is willing to go to MC "to see if we can work it out?" That's not a definitive yet on his part, but an open door? He hasn't given a complete "no way no how" so....and we live separately but he's here 3-4 nights per week, we sleep separately...
Yes, it counts. When my H and I started MC, he was pretty sure he was done and in the midst of a one-sided EA. About 3-months into MC, I found love letters he was writing to this woman he worked with...painstakingly revised and edited with red pen. He never sent them, but oh...wow.
Anyway, I said nothing at the time, just kept going to MC and listening a ton, speaking as honestly as I could about the issues H brought up about why he'd bombed me. I let the MC show him how often he'd assumed things about me instead of asking as well as how his lack of speaking up had contributed to the downfall of our M. In fact, I didn't bring up any issues at all until my H had gone through all of his, and that was maybe 5-6 months in after he'd recommitted.
In your sitch, Hope, that's the approach I'd take. Be willing to listen to HARD stuff. My H wrote me a letter and read it to me during MC telling me to set him free because he wasn't sure he'd ever have feelings for me again. It was tough. But I listened and tried to find the truth in what he said, and I spoke honestly about my perspective when the MC asked me to respond. I let H lead.
Meanwhile, I gave him lots of space, worked on me in IC, GAL and did 180s out the ying yang. I found something to celebrate every day, and that summer turned out to be one of the happiest of me entire life. It was a gift to deal with many of my own issues while slowly rebuilding my M with my H. Not easy--on our anniversary, he phoned her after a meal we shared together ("just friends") and drafted another letter to her during the day. But I found peace and discovered my self-worth.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
SD - that's very encouraging. Thank you. Confirms my instinct to listen and validate while enjoying my life and learning about myself. I did have to start with setting boundaries as he is verbally abusive, but now that he is starting to calm down, I am ready to sit and listen. It's my only hope. and the MC agrees.
