I have to jump in and second Corri's comments. Although the baseline situation isn't the same as yours, I frequently end up "caught" between two commitments, and I'm "damned if I do and damned if I don't." If I opt for the "urgent," then my wife is upset with me (sometimes for days) because "[she] always comes last." If, on the other hand, I stick to the "important" -- i.e., following through with whatever I'd agreed to previous to the emergency -- most of the time my wife is still mad at me. Either she's ticked off that I'd even consider changing plans (the thought alone "proving" that she comes last), or she assumes that I'm ticked off at her for not "letting" me do the "urgent," and then gets upset with me for being ticked off at her. Go Figure! Boundary issues aside, sometimes it's tempting to go with the "urgent" because then at least SOMEBODY will be happy with what I do! Now, in our case, I'm the HD partner, so this generally isn't enough to shut me down -- although it easily leads to an argument about my choice and/or my supposed "one track mind," and being upset with me definitely doesn't do her ardor any good!
I'm not saying to just be a doormat and keep putting up with your in-laws indefinitely -- what you've described really is ridiculous -- but find a way to give your husband on "escape route" while the two of you work on his boundary skills together. I think it was Einstein that defined insanity as "Repeating the same thing over and over and expecting different results." So change something! I'm not sure what's best, but the current pattern isn't working. Find a way to give your husband a break (no, I don't mean his neck); if I were a betting man, I'd bet he feels as stuck by this situation as you do, if not more so. Good luck!
HERE is Edward Bear, coming downstairs now, bump, bump, bump, on the back of his head, behind Christopher Robin...sometimes he feels that there really is another way [of coming downstairs], if only he could stop bumping for a moment and think of it.
