For those with a WAS...How do you cope?

[courts0818]

Hmmmm...my sis had this as her FB status: There are three signs of a hypocrite: when he speaks he speaks lies, when he makes a promise he breaks it, and when he is trusted he betrays his trust.

Maybe that should be changed to, there are three signs of a cheater or a walk away....

Reading all of these stories of affairs, gets to be disheartening. I'm so proud of everyone that has/is taking a stand, setting boundaries and STILL fighting for his/her marriage.

So...I'm curious about things like cell phone spyware and keyloggers. I'm finally almost to a place where THINK I can handle it.

[Lll54]

I definitely not there yet with you Courts. But I had an incident a few weeks ago where my H went into my email and read a message about him that he really didn't want to read, and I didn't want him to read. When i mention it to anybody, they are outraged. How dare he go into my email and disrupt my privacy? I kind of feel the same way about spyware and keyloggers. I just find it so wrong. Why is it okay for us to sneak in their cells, get voice recorders, trick them in a way but then get mad for them checking into our emails? I don't get it? You?

[bluerain]

Well, what would you be hoping to find out with them? Do you think that hes having an A? Im glad that I didnt spy too much, what little bit I did do was devastating, and I didnt need to do that to myself. Puppy has some good info on keyloggers, and I think that he used a prepaid cell phone as a GPS tracker. He just reposted his sitch, so you might be able to get some clues from him.

Boy, whos your sis mad at? lol.

[maple]

Well, what would you be hoping to find out with them? Do you think that hes having an A? Im glad that I didnt spy too much, what little bit I did do was devastating, and I didnt need to do that to myself. Puppy has some good info on keyloggers, and I think that he used a prepaid cell phone as a GPS tracker. He just reposted his sitch, so you might be able to get some clues from him.

Boy, whos your sis mad at? lol.

Puppy and others have great advice on keyloggers, voice activated recorders, spyware, gps tracking when I was trying to determine if there was OW. I never did use any of it. My main source of confirmation was texts on his phone. Puppy said to wait for wayward spouse to let their guard down and that I needed to be prepared to take advantage of that opportunity when it arose.

It took approx one month from when puppy suggested there was OW to finding enough to confront H. H thought he was being so clever covering up his tracks but if you know where to look, the little bits of info you find start to add up and eventually you get a better pic.

The night I confronted H, I told him I wanted to check his hotmail etc... and even though I did not find any info on current OW, the few other things I found makes me sick. I could not image having to listen to details from a voice activated recorder or read info from a keylogger.

Good luck.

[courts0818]

Hi Britt,
I remember reading that story in one of your posts. I see your point - in fact, a couple of months ago my H was snooping through my dresser drawer and found a check that was made out to the both of us that I was intentionally keeping from him. I felt guilty about it - bc I don't like dishonesty. And I wasn't thilled that he was going through my stuff.

However, IMHO, I would be snooping and spying to gather info to confirm my suspicion of OW. He made the choice to walk out. He hasn't respected me our marriage or the vows we made for 15-18 months so I feel justified in snooping. Do I think spying is deceitful...well yeah under certain circumstances...but this is about finally gathering undeniable facts and not just going with hearsay and assumptions. This is about getting info and making informed choices. This is about giving me a little more control in an uncontrollable situation.

I've had assumptions for a long time. Bc they are only assumptions, I haven't enforced many boundaries and haven't felt able to do much of anything besides work on myself and sit in limbo land. Working on myself and being thankful for the blessing in my life is GREAT. But, sitting in limbo land and possibly tolerating an A is unacceptable. Know what I mean?
It feels like I could be right here a year from now, still doing the exact same thing if I don't put an effort into gathering info and breaking things up. Until I read it over and over again, I didn't get that H will never be ready or willing to work on our M if there is an OW. He just won't be able to get to that place and I cannot sit and wait for years. I do know he's talking to someone - I've seen many calls on his cell statement, but I don't have access to details bc his phone is through this work. And recently he left his email up and in his contacts was the name of a female - the same female he's been talking to. All I saw were jokes to/from her, but he could have deleted other stuff.

IDK exactly what I'm going to do, just looking at some options. I'm not going to jump head first into snooping right now. I want to focus on Christmas for my DD. She's 3 and is so excited. Although I feel more in control of my emotions and my reactions, I don't want to put myself into a position of getting bad info and being too upset to enjoy Christmas - ya know how emotions and things can blow up around the holidays.
I'm focusing on Christmas and special holdiay things, but come January it's time for boundaries and info.

lol...blureain...nice FB status from my sis, huh? IDK who she was mad at. That might have just been a general comment. She's a taking no $hit from anyone kinda girl.

I understand that any info I find is going to be devastating and I can't say I'm not fearful of that, but I'm trusting that God won't give me more than I can handle. It is scary though bc I just got to the place of being more in control and not allowing things to cosume me - by looking for info I know I'm putting myself right in the fire.

Maple,
If I could get ahold of H's phone and see his texts, that would probably be all the info I need. But, I really NEVER have a chance to get my hands on his phone. He doesn't live here and when he is here it's in his hands or his pocket 24/7. He does not leave it sitting anywhere. And if he happened to, I'm guessing all messages would be erased.

I'm torn bc I know hearing and seeing things will rip my heart out and be excruciating, but sitting, waiting and wondering is painful too.

Hmmmm....glad I have plans this afternoon. I need some fresh air.

[Lll54]

I know what you mean when you say if you could read his texts it would help. I feel that way too. He is on it constantly, do not tell me he is talking to a buddy of his alllll the time? My H too has his attached to his body. Never ever ever leaves it sitting around. There would be no way for me to get my hands on it. All this is a sure tell sign. If they had nothing to hide why would they be so protective over it? Hmmmm....

[courts0818]

Right, if they had nothing to hide, why would they be so protective over it? Why would they have it with them constantly? My phone has always been sitting out bc I don't have anything to hide - although these days I keep it with me a little more just to be mysterious.

[courts0818]

Oh I forgot to add to my post on spying...

Yesterday in the mail, H's bank statement came. On 10/31 there was a charge for $41.58 from Texas Roahouse in a city that is about an hr from our house.

So, that's Halloween. He blew off trick-or-treating with our DD for the 2nd year in a row. I specifically asked where he was going when he left that day. He was over before DD took her nap and he said, "I have things to do." He never even saw her in her costume.

More reasonsing as to why I want the truth. Only an insane man or a man in an A cloud would blow off such a special night for his beautiful DD.

[Lll54]

Wow, your H needs to take lessons from my H. My H takes cash out at the bank then he can go where he wants and spend it and I will never find out on the bank statements. Yikes, not very good at it yet I see.

[bluerain]

Make a copy of the bank statement and put it in your "Just in Case" file. Document this kind of crap!