undefeated I was very frank. I think you need it. I think it is a common ground for the both of you. If I did not feel this. I would not have written it. It is an option for you to expore.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
My H and I do not believe in religion, especially Christianity. I find no fault with people who do; it is not my path. We believe in something more akin to "the force". To me everything in the universe is connected. I also believe in karma, and that we draw energy to ourselves through our attitudes and choices. The energy we put forth is most often what we draw back. Positive = positive; negative = negative. Sometimes strange things do just happen and we don't understand why. I am also a practitioner of tarot. My cards give me insight into the world around me and myself. They tell what CAN be not what WILL be.
Over a year ago I saw this A of my H's coming. But I did not take steps to alter that path. Also, my own karma had drawn negative energy into my life. These are ways in which I have contributed to the situation in which I currently find myself.
My H did take steps against my A. He attacked mainly my OM - hurting his career especially. And I will say that I know him fairly thoroughly. I have come here to get help saving my marriage. Because I have seen, too, that this is possible.
I will try things that are scary, difficult, and even counter-intuitive. But I will not make choices or take actions that I am certain will end in divorce.
As for the roller coaster analogy...eh, it's the best one I can give. That is the way an A feels. I should not make assumptions - have you ever been the one in the affair?
"You are not entitled to "ride until the end"; that you believe so shows an amazing level of entitlement (and maybe some lingering feelings about your own affair?)."
Please don't make assumptions about me either. Feelings are interesting and tangled things to sort out. But all I feel about the A is relief to have come through it and hope that I can repair my life.
"I'm sorry you feel that way. But if you expect people here to kiss your forehead, pat your hand and tell you that it's going to be OK and to follow your gut, you are in the wrong place. (And I'm a teddy bear compared to some of the people on here...)"
Do not patronize me, it's rude. I never expected to come here and be told how doing things my way would bring my husband back and that I can relax because it will all work out. But none of us has all the answers or we wouldn't be here in the first place. I don't believe there is "one right way" for all people to do anything.
And if after reading the books and trying some of the tactics I find I have been mistaken all along, you can be sure I will seek you out. At that time I will be happy to admit you were right and I was wrong. But until that time, I think you are right. We will have to just disagree. If that means you feel your time is better spent on other posters, I understand.
I will willingly accept criticism and rebuke - when I have earned them.
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
So I finished reading DB. (Borrowed it from the library, so thanks for the suggestion.) It hasn't changed my opinion about doing some things, but I am going to start DB'ing right now.
I have done a 180 by not calling my husband since he left to AZ Monday. Usually I call often just to say "I love you" and ask about his day when we're apart. Not anymore. He called me yesterday to ask some info about our housing application. I got him what he needed and then got off the phone. No pleasant nothings or un-returned "I love you's." He hasn't said it since admitting to the affair, and even before that it seemed more like a knee-jerk reaction than genuine devotion. I want to tell him, but it's time to change something.
I'm also GAL. Right now that mostly means exercising as often as I can and trying to quit smoking. It's a bit difficult right now to do much more. We are at my parents' four miles South of middle of nowhere. It's cold and very isolated here. But once I get to AZ I'm going to find things I want to do and then do them.
I'm also considering some other changes, and these are the ones I'd like some input about. I've been thinking about telling my MIL to butt out of my life and my marriage. I am one of those people who usually does what's expected of her and doesn't make waves. I let my husband convey my irritation to his parents. But I think I should write her a really long e-mail explaining that I have had enough and she can either deal with that or leave us alone entirely. I also am thinking about writing to the OW and telling her she needs to back off, as well as her parents letting them know their daughter is dating and sleeping with a married man with three small children. But the thing is, my H doesn't know how much I know. He thinks I'm clueless about who she is. So do I risk showing my cards?
I won't do anything on that front until I get moved to AZ. One of the things I need for myself is to get away from here. I find this town depressing and living in my parents' house very unhealthy for my self-esteem and my parenting. I don't want to tick him off enough to leave me here. But what do you think? Should I do it once I'm there?
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
Normally I would be one to break down what you said and let you know what you need to do however I sit here re-reading the scathing post you made back to Trent and Cutter and I can't find the words to help you...
I have never read a post and been more mad then I am right now.
You came here looking for a way to repair the damage made to your marriage...People responded in kind back to you and let you know what has worked and what hasn't worked and then you have the audacity to throw it back in their face bacause it isn't what you wanted to hear?
There is no place for that here...This isn't my board nor do I have any affiliation with the hostess however the people here are hurting just like you and have been wonderful enough to take time out of their own lives, their own pain and come to you and try to help you and the best you have is by calling them rude?
In order to fix the damage done to your marriage, you must first look within...If you aren't willing to take a deep hard look at yourself, that is your business however you don't have a right to bash someone else who is trying to help you...Someone who has already walked in your shoes and is trying to prevent you from making some huge mistakes that they have already made with no terrific response.
Originally Posted By: undefeated
I will willingly accept criticism and rebuke - when I have earned them
By attacking the people I trust, the people I have come to care very much about, you have earned it.
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
I have caused offense, and for that I apologize, but not for my opinions. Trent WAS condescending and rude. And I never intentionally made any response to cutter - I thought a lot about what he said actually.
I have been hurt and confused by what I have found here. I don't want to leave, but I feel like I am the one under attack. I don't want to fight with people here - I have enough stress in my life for now.
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
The people here, you will find would do just about anything to help you
Exactly, such a collection of sincere, self-less people doing their best to help and comfort complete strangers- despite - and because of our own deep pain and confusion.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Hi undefeated. Is the OW in AZ, with him? I think that you are wise to stop saying I love you. Right now, its just going to be damaging.
And congrats on trying to quit smoking, that will be a good accomplishment for you. Do you have friends where you are? It seems like living with your parents, you have babysitters???
I dont know about exposing OW to her family... Im just not sure about that one, but Im usually pro exposure.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
Thankfully, no, the OW is in VA. It gets to me that he has not called his sons once in a week, and yet I am sure he talks to her every day, probably several times a day. Most of the time I can be pretty lovingly detached, but that is really getting under my skin. But at least she isn't there with him.
I went all day yesterday without a cigarette, so I'm starting day two. Wish me luck! I've been smoking for nine years, but I am hopeful I can quit. No, I don't really have friends here. A couple of preschool moms are nice enough to me, but whenever I try to make plans to get together they are mysteriously busy, or say they'll come but then don't show up. So I keep in touch with some old friends out of town and am kind of biding my time until I move. I do occasionally get my parents to babysit, but it's not as great as it sounds. I always appreciate their help, but mostly I am on my own.
I'm kind of tabling the idea about exposing the OW for right now. After the holidays when I get moved then I'll rework my strategy. I'm also going to try gathering more evidence for now. Does anyone know if there is a way to get all the text messages my H's cell phone sends? The thing is, being military this A could destroy his career. I won't do that now because it would be cutting off my nose to spite my face - he's the sole provider right now. But I'd like to have the information as insurance.
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
I always appreciate their help, but mostly I am on my own.