I see what you say about becomming the WAS. I am having trouble balancing that with staying committed and supportive of her right now during her mothers passing.
"How can I help you?" Puts the ball in her court, it's a fair question, healthy for you and allows you to choose how to respond.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I have lost these discussions every time they occur, as my does not seem to view what I am doing as a consequence of the M sitch, but instead as an example of the cause of the M sitch.
GIMA, your input?
Spot on with the bolded text above. I think this is them lashing out at a true consequence though. In my case, anything that conflicts with my W's fantasy that nothing's really gonna change when we D - we will just live in two different houses and be great friends (or to use her term "co-parents" ), is met with angry indignation and her re-characterizing the consequence as you stated - I'm being selfish, inconsiderate and not willing to protect the children. I see right through this, and I know what it is.
Now the part about my W (and your's) being the co-champion "acting as iffers", again, spot on. I don't doubt Greek's belief for a moment on this one, nor her knowledge. But my W truly believes she does not want (belong?) in A M, let alone a M with ME. And she does not appear to be heading to another, better opportunity.
So, there may be some WAS' who just don't want to be M'd. I just happen to be who M'd my W, so I'm the target. Not a victim, but the target.
Could they be hiding behind their "mask" and projecting how they feel about themselves onto you?
It fits with those quotes you just put up Think.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Could they be hiding behind their "mask" and projecting how they feel about themselves onto you?
It fits with those quotes you just put up Think.
They may well be, but I don't think they know they are doing it.
I think it is all about resentment and blame. They are not happy and they blame it on their spouse (us). If we are unconditionally loving then they feel pain (guilt, unloveable) which they project onto us as blame. If we show them the consequences of their leaving the M, then they feel pain (abandoned, unloveable), which they blame on us.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Funny you say that Coach b/c the one C my W saw pre-bomb said my W did not communicate her problems with the M to me and "masked" her issues/feelings.
...my W exactly!
Quote:
And your point would be consistent with a "WAS" who is in no hurry to WALK.
I think the "WAW sho is in no hurry to walk" (as we have) is very comfortable (but not happy) playing the game/role/script/story of "I would be happy if it were not for you". They want to play the role of victim. We need to take ourselves out of the role of villian/scapegoat.
Hard to do, since most of the script seems to be played out internally.
Last edited by Thinker; 12/11/0906:34 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Could they be hiding behind their "mask" and projecting how they feel about themselves onto you?
It fits with those quotes you just put up Think.
They may well be, but I don't think they know they are doing it.
I think it is all about resentment and blame. They are not happy and they blame it on their spouse (us). If we are unconditionally loving then they feel pain (guilt, unloveable) which they project onto us as blame. If we show them the consequences of their leaving the M, then they feel pain (abandoned, unloveable), which they blame on us.
And in my sitch, I think when I show unconditional love for my W, I think it only feeds her fantasy that this is how it will be during and after the D - that we are smart, civilized people, so, of course, we will be great friends and co-parents despite the D.
Funny you say that Coach b/c the one C my W saw pre-bomb said my W did not communicate her problems with the M to me and "masked" her issues/feelings.
...my W exactly!
Quote:
And your point would be consistent with a "WAS" who is in no hurry to WALK.
I think the "WAW sho is in no hurry to walk" (as we have) is very comfortable (but not happy) playing the game/role/script/story of "I would be happy if it were not for you"
Fellas, It hasn't cost your wives one single thing to carry on as they have these many months of your limboland prison sentences. And that is why your Work is unappreciated. They see it. I'll bet a paycheck on it. But there is not a damned reason to credit you a bit of it, move one inch toward reconciliation or take a bit of responsibility b/c staying put COSTS THEM NOTHING.
They just get to keep on slamming your efforts, spinning your outreach into something sinister, projecting their poor attitudes on to you b/c .... they can .... and nothing bad will happen. B/c nothing bad has happened. They still have you tied up so no one else can have you. They still have an intact family. The still get to be SAHM with their children in a fine home. They still have beautiful wedding rings (one of 'em even has a brand new one!). And they still have y'all steppin' and fetchin'.
They SEE your Work. They just don't have to do anything about it.
Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
Fellas, It hasn't cost your wives one single thing to carry on as they have these many months of your limboland prison sentences. And that is why your Work is unappreciated. They see it. I'll bet a paycheck on it. But there is not a damned reason to credit you a bit of it, move one inch toward reconciliation or take a bit of responsibility b/c staying put COSTS THEM NOTHING.
They just get to keep on slamming your efforts, spinning your outreach into something sinister, projecting their poor attitudes on to you b/c .... they can .... and nothing bad will happen. B/c nothing bad has happened. They still have you tied up so no one else can have you. They still have an intact family. The still get to be SAHM with their children in a fine home. They still have beautiful wedding rings (one of 'em even has a brand new one!). And they still have y'all steppin' and fetchin'.
They SEE your Work. They just don't have to do anything about it.
Greek
VERY GOOD POINT. Well, FWIW, I am pulling out of limboland. Had enough.
And, Thinker gets a hall pass given his MIL's situation.
But, I hear your point Greek, very clearly.
And, point of clarification, on that wedding ring thing, one of em doesn't know where her's IS. And nobody's happy in the GIMA household about that, most of the all the one who paid for it. But, this is HER problem, not mine. Wouldn't have been lost if it had been oh, I don't know, ON HER FINGER.
), is met with angry indignation and her re-characterizing the consequence as you stated - I'm being selfish, inconsiderate and not willing to protect the children. I see right through this, and I know what it is.