My H and I have been married for 15 years and I have always considered our M happy! Though I had realized that he was occasionally unhappy and was very silent at times these few years. A few years ago, he also went through some sort of depression and talked about suicide. He received some counseling and I had always tried to be supportive and understanding. Things seem to be getting OK and he had always said he loves me and sent me sweet messages and notes and this was until May this year. I sensed that something was not right since then and asked him by end of July and he admitted having an affair with a co-worker since mid June which was just before his 44 Bday.
He said there was nothing wrong with me and it was all his fault. He cried and said that he’s in love with this OW (who is married with 2 kids) and asked if I hate him. I told him that I did not (in fact I felt more hurt than hate) and asked if he still feels for me. He said he did and said that he would still travel with me (we used to travel a lot to different places). As he said that it would be very difficult and painful for me, I knew that he was not going to quit with the OW. I told him that it can’t work that way and he said he needed more time for a decision and did not want to regret it.
In the very beginning, I was shattered and cried a lot especially when he was going out with the OW. She was very aggressive and even asked him out late at night to collect a gift (an expensive watch) despite knowing that H and I had been together for the whole day (how dare she?). He started to pull away and it felt like we were trillion light-years apart. He also started to talk about moving to his parents’ place to “make things easier for me” but gave up the idea when I adamantly refused. I was so upset in mid August that I actually packed my things intending to stay the night out but returned only with the thought that I wouldn’t want him to do the same either. It was him who brought up the idea of “MLC” the next morning after reading some articles and even asked me to arrange counseling for him (that was the only time he’s ever willing to receive counseling).
It was also at this time when I started to search the internet for info. in relation to infidelity and learnt that I should stopped acting desperate. I tried to stay more clam and cheerful (at least not upset) when with him. I also started to take care of myself more by exercising (which he has always encourage me to do) and tried to reconnect with him by writing him small notes showing my care and appreciation for him. Things seem to get better and he started to talk to me again. At one point in mid September, he tried to break up with the OW but of course he was “talked back”.
In the past few months, situations were more or less like:
- H of course is still seeing the OW (dinner with her 1 to 2 nights on weekdays, lunch with her on Sat)
- H and OW have been taking time off on the same day these two weeks (which is insane to me and against all his principles as she is a direct subordinate in the same dept. and they should not be taking time off on the same day which is in fact affecting the operation of the dept.)
- OW wanting more and they had lunch together the past Sunday (H said that he hates Sundays in one of the previous text messages – for not being able to see OW?!)
- Non-stop (well, almost) phone calls and text messages.
- Chatting on facebook almost every nights.
On the other hand, H would come home for dinner if not having dinner with OW, usually we would have dinner at his parent’s place on Sat nights, H staying whole day with me on Sun (except a few) and he has never stay out for a single night. H occasionally wakes up in the middle of the night and cried. He always cried when we “talk” about our M and relationship. Every time he said that it was his fault and he did not want to hurt me anymore. He even asked me to forget him on one occasion. But time and time again, after he talked to his mother (my MIL is definitely on my side) or after I wrote him some notes about the meaning of M and life, he seems to drift back a bit ( I can see from the look in his eyes!). He would kiss me, hold me and hug me, and in fact we were still having sex until recently.
I really don’t know if he’s really having the MLC problem but everything he did was so not him. He used to despise people for having affairs and he had talked very lowly of one of his friends when the guy is engaged in an affair. No one knowing him would have believed that he is engaging in an affair himself (what he’s doing is breaking his mother’s heart cause his dad had been engaged in several affairs in the past). Yet things he did were way out of my imagination – he suggested to spend a few days out of town with me not long after admitting the affair but just as I was delighted about his suggestion, he requested to stay a night out with OW though he gave up the idea when I rejected. I asked him not to wear the watch given by the OW (he used to wear the one given by me to work) but he said that he wanted to decide which watch to wear and at what time (since then the pattern has been OW’s watch at work and mine other times)!!!
As I said just now, I really don’t know if he’s really having a MLC problem and is it just infidelity? I came across some websites recently and read about detachment and I’m trying to do so emotionally. Whenever he’s out with OW and whenever he’s distancing himself, I tried to think that he’s being adopted by alien or evil and that helps to cut the pain. I’m not really a religious person but I’ve been praying a lot these days and hope that Lord will show him the way back. He might be changing his job soon and I’m also hoping that a new work environment will help (I always believe that the affair has a lot to do with his job pressure. He’s the DOHR of a hotel opened in last Dec, so apart from the normal pressure of recruiting large amount of employees for the opening, he also went through cutting large amount of headcount due to poor economy and business, no-pay leave and change of top management etc. The OW as I said is his direct subordinate and I think they bonded through these pressures.)
I don’t want to give up on him and our M yet but I really don’t know what else I can do?! I recently learnt from MIL that the OW's husband has moved out and H's been crying less. I'm not sure if H has made up his mind or not?! Should I wait around or should I throw the towel?
Hi BiBi- I'm not sure if it's MLC or not, but as I've learned, giving it a name is not really the most important thing right now. I think there's a lot of hope for your marriage, but you have to act smart and do some things that are going to feel counter-intuitive. Here is my suggestion, based on what I've seen working for others and my own recent experience.
#1 Important Thing for you right now: GAL (get a life!) You MUST accept that there is NOTHING you can do to figure things out for your husband. He absolutely has to do it for himself- and this will probably take longer than you want it to! I know it sounds impossible, but you must find a way to focus on other things. Fill your life with the things that you love- find what delights you. Make it clear to him that you have a life- make yourself unavailable, and he'll start to realize what he's losing. It will take awhile. Do not cling- if he wants to move to his parents' house, tell him it hurts you and that you think it's a mistake, but don't tell him what to do. I HIGHLY suggest IC for you with the goal of maintaining self esteem through this ordeal. That's my 2 cents- keep posting and you'll get some great advice- there are wonderful, wise people here- you are in the right place!
BiBi, Welcome aboard. You first have to get to a place emotionally, spiritually, physically and mentally where you are strong enough to stand up for yourself and set some boundaries. You might not make or you might reconcile. You need to get to the other side a better, stronger and wiser woman regardess of the out come.
The DBing helps you get stronger. The setting boundaries busts the affair.
Go read the thread call "Puppy, My Story." for starters.
You can handle it.
Cheers Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Sorry you find yourself here but welcome. I think others will weigh in soon with advice - follow them, especially from the usual posters.
reading through what you wrote, I think there's quite a bit you need to sort out. It's understandable that you are feeling messed up and hurt.
Take the time to really sit yourself down and start from basics. What do you want? Really, seriously. What do you want for yourself as a person, for you? Do you want the marriage? What do you then want from the marriage?
From there, start to discern what is within your control and what is not. Own your feelings, and start owning your actions. Start doing things that make you feel more positive. Do not obssess over choices and actions your H makes. Detach. And do not for one second assume this is the same man you remember loving and marrying. Don't mind read, and don't try to understand the emotional curve balls coming at you.
Then assuming you still want the M, work out the boundaries under which you are prepared to try and work things out. You will hear this sooner or later "I will not live in an open relationship". Set firm, verifiable boundaries on what that means for you. Give yourself and your M over to God.
And yes GAL.
There will be a lot of people here supporting you and pitching for you. You're not totally alone. And you can definitely handle whatever's coming.
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
Do you want the marriage? What do you then want from the marriage?
I do want the marriage!!! And somehow I do believe that if we can get through this, we might be able to have a stronger and better M. Looking back to our M, I think that both my H and I tend to avoid some of our problems and dissatisfactions?! Both our parents do not have a happy M (his dad had 3 affairs and his mom had gambling problems as a result where as my mom has so much anger against my dad for his selfishness and lack of caring.) and I guess both my H and I wanted ours to work so badly that we have been trying to avoid our problems fearing to bring up arguments and hurt. Little did we know that it end up creating barriers to our communication and distance between us!
The A forced me to look deep into our M and I realise that there is so much we need to work on and there's a lot that need to be improved. If he's willing to give up the A, commit to our M and work on it, I do believe that there is a better future for us.
Having said this, I must admit that I have also thought of what if things do not turn out as I wish. I know that I have to move on and GAL, I think I can handle that and turn our to be stronger if not better. Though deep down I love the man dearly and I really want our M to work!
Thanks a lot for all the advices and I will keep coming back to find more.
Sorry to hear about your sitch. I am glad you found this web site. It is a great place for support. We are here to support you. You have a great opportunity for personal growth.
So much advise that works is counter-intuitive. I strongly suggest that what feels like the wrong thing to do, may actually be the right thing to do.
One simple example: The goal of DBing is to draw the WAS back. Most people believe that talking to and reasoning with the WAS feels like the right thing to do. From my observations and my experience here, that is the wrong thing to do. It actually pushes the WAS away. THE RIGHT THING TO DO is trickier. If it feels uncomfortable, it is most likely the right thing to do.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Let me suggest that it is very important right now to take all your focus off of H and what he is doing and put all your focus on YOU. Right now, you have the chance to make positive changes to you R just by changing the way you interact with H.
You stated you were praying for changes in H. Focus that energy into praying for YOUR strength and YOUR positive changes.
I would also suggest that you challenge everything you believe about yourself, your H and your R. Be open to the suggestions of those here who have made mistakes and learned.
HUGS
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
One thing I read about recently is detachment, I am trying hard to emotionally detach from my H. Whenever he's w/ OW or contacting her, I tell myself that he's been adopted or possessed and is not the man whom I've married to 15 years ago and this helps to cut the pain. As for physical detachment, I won't be holding, hugging or kissing him unless he initiates it.
Yet we are still living in the same apartment (a small one like the rest in Hong Kong) and doing things together, e.g. dinner, movies and shopping etc. Normally if I failed to hear from him by the evening, I will give him a call and ask if he'll be back for dinner and I will just said goodbye if he said no. We also spent most weekends together (apart from his ritual of having lunch with OW usually on Saturdays). Should I stop all these activities if I need to practice detachment or should I just answer his request but avoid initiating?
I know I sound week but I'm new to all these ideas and is trying to figure out what is best to do.
"The right thing to do" typically feels very uncomfortable.
I strongly suggest you not share your husband with any other woman. You have more respect for yourself than that. The best thing to do is give him a choice:
"H, I will not live in an open marriage. Either break off all contact with OW and work on our marriage or I will file for D."
This approach has the best results.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
H just told me last night that he's going to have the coming weekend away! I asked with whom he's going but he dared not answer. I told him calmly that I can't & won't stopped him from going but he's showing no respect for me and our M (our 15th anniversary is on the 23rd). He then asked me to have a drink but I refused saying that I had nothing to talk to him at the moment (he's going to say something whenever he suggested a drink & in fact he dropped the bomb while we were having a drink)! I headed back home with him following later. I am really feeling so proud of myself as I stay calm all the way and even asked him to go to bed first while I finished the house chores as he had to get up real early this morning for a company outing.
I must say that I'm doing pretty well on detachment in the past couple of days. In fact, the OW is bringing her 2 kids to the outing today but I don't really care about them spending the day together. I'm going to have lunch w/mom & sisters later on and may be do a bit of shopping. Yeah!
BTW, thank you so much for the input on boundaries. Will think over it and hopefully come up with some strategies soon.
