See, the issue is (IMO of course) is that you want progress with the M but what you need to focus on is progress for YOU first. Once you have progressed to a stronger place of being able to set boundaries and keep your emotions in check and not bending over for your W THEN things might look a bit different to you.
You base everything you do on how your W will or will not react hence the reason things stay really stagnant for you.
FWIW I to understand how terribly difficult it is to change the behavior pattern of being very reactionary. That was a huge flaw of mine for a long time with my H. My H isn't much of a communicator and I always felt like I had to pull teeth to get him to discuss very basic things. It used to frustrate me and I did not deal with that frustration in a good way. I never felt heard or validated and instead of doing something productive and positive to change the dynamic before it blew out of control I reacted on pure emotion. It wasn't that I didn't think, I simply had reached a dead end in trying to communicate with my H (this was before the bomb, btw). Looking back I realize I expected him to communicate with me the way I thought communication should be instead of how it could work for both of us.
My H and I got in a very dangerous dynamic of "button pushing" and we both knew how to do it well. My H in general is not very good at communicating with anybody but the husband/wife dynamic of communicating is much deeper an issue that communicating with the general public. My H wouldn't even call up for take out!
My point? Being reactionary is not always about not thinking, it's more about not being able to mask frustration about a problem that is ongoing. Had I been smart and just shoved my frustration aside perhaps I could have changed that dynamic between H and I. Or I should say that is how it was in my M.
