Either the LBS (me) has incorrect perceptions about the three A's being absent, or the WAS has a misperception about them being present (really just the abuse and addiction).
Just thinking out loud.
In your case, I don't think any of the three A's are present. I don't think your W has a mispercetion either. But who knows for sure? Most cases for divorce are the 3 A's, but not all. Maybe there is a 4th category? I am struggling to find an appropriate A word.
At the beginning of my stich, I was comforted by the fact that I didn't believe any of the 3 A's were present. I thought that maybe that meant a greater probability existed the divorced would be busted. Now that I am further along in the detachment process and looking at H setting up mediation after the holidays, I just don't give much thought to the odds anymore.
Me & H: 33 yrs S: 4 & 6 D: 2 M: 9 yrs ILYBNILWY: 8/09 SEPARATED: 9/09 The Beginning
Perhaps you spoke too quickly on this one. By making that comment it is as if you spoke for two people when you are only one. Do you know with absolute certainty that she would answer exactly the same as you and completely dismiss any existence of abuse. I feel pretty sure that most of us guys immediately 'knee-jerk' to think in terms of physical abuse. Why? Because we tend to be the physically wired ones and so I think that causes us to normally dismiss any other forms of abuse.
I get your point Tom, but I am not underestimating or excluding the chance (probability, really) that my W sees herself as a victimof what she perceives as verbal abuse or some other non-physical form of "abuse." And I don't deny that verbal abuse is abuse. Being as objective as I can, though, I just don't see it in my sitch as actuallly having occured. Her perception, however, is another matter entirely.
Perhaps you spoke too quickly on this one. By making that comment it is as if you spoke for two people when you are only one. Do you know with absolute certainty that she would answer exactly the same as you and completely dismiss any existence of abuse. I feel pretty sure that most of us guys immediately 'knee-jerk' to think in terms of physical abuse. Why? Because we tend to be the physically wired ones and so I think that causes us to normally dismiss any other forms of abuse.
I get your point Tom, but I am not underestimating or excluding the chance (probability, really) that my W sees herself as a victimof what she perceives as verbal abuse or some other non-physical form of "abuse." And I don't deny that verbal abuse is abuse. Being as objective as I can, though, I just don't see it in my sitch as actuallly having occured. Her perception, however, is another matter entirely.
In my sitch, my does not say "abuse" but she does point to me being critical, opinionated, absent, etc as the cause - unforgivable and tantamaount to abuse.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
In my sitch, my does not say "abuse" but she does point to me being critical, opinionated, absent, etc as the cause - unforgivable and tantamaount to abuse.
And that's EXACTLY what I'm getting at. I suspect my W sees herself as a victim of what she perceives as some form of abuse. Maybe, to her, I too often wasn't responsible enough, was too demanding of ML, was short with my comments, did not open up to her enough, and the list could go on.
Was I perfect? Of course not. There are NO perfect M's.
I just find it difficult to see and understand how she can (a) come to such a conclusion (victim of abuse) and (b) believe it so firmly that she will leave the M and our family. No boo hoo'ing here. Just working through the issue.
PS: My W does not say the word "abuse", she just says she understands how a victim of abuse feels and can identify with them.
I just find it difficult to see and understand how she can (a) come to such a conclusion (victim of abuse) and (b) believe it so firmly that she will leave the M and our family. No boo hoo'ing here. Just working through the issue.
a) Let me know when the textbook for this comes out. I will be sure to register for the class.
b) Because in her mind she see no other option.
Me & H: 33 yrs S: 4 & 6 D: 2 M: 9 yrs ILYBNILWY: 8/09 SEPARATED: 9/09 The Beginning
1) You're trying to rationalize the irrational. It won't get you anywhere except banging your head on a table or against a wall.
2) My BF said the same things. In Sept we were looking for a vacation condo in the mountains and by October he was miserable and had been for five years. When he came back I questioned him, if he had been so miserable for so long then why come back? He said it wasn't true, but at that time he didn't see any way our problems could be solved so he was justifying his behavior and the affair. So it could be that your W just sees no way to improve your marriage so she is rewriting history to justify her decision to leave.
But since you won't get an honest answer from her right now, back to point 1.
Last edited by pearlharbr; 12/11/0907:32 PM.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
I have takes to a lot of people about this. The WAS's that I have talked to say there's a feeling of hopelessness. Feeling that happiness within the marriage is impossible. Getting out seems like the key to their happiness.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
1) You're trying to rationalize the irrational. It won't get you anywhere except banging your head on a table or against a wall.
2) My BF said the same things. In Sept we were looking for a vacation condo in the mountains and by October he was miserable and had been for five years. When he came back I questioned him, if he had been so miserable for so long then why come back? He said it wasn't true, but at that time he didn't see any way our problems could be solved so he was justifying his behavior and the affair. So it could be that your W just sees no way to improve your marriage so she is rewriting history to justify her decision to leave.
But since you won't get an honest answer from her right now, back to point 1.
Well put PH.
Last comment, not a question. It is sad and disappointing that my W sees no other option AND refuses even to discuss/explore the possibility of reconciliation with a MC. If I am so sure of my position, I know it is unshakable, so I should have NO fear in it being questioned. That, coupled with she has NOTHING to lose by engaging in MC.
