Deployed Soldier/Father needs your help

[soleil]

Okay, now this thread is making me hungry. Mmmm!

Soldier, it's yuor house so you can def stay there. My thing is, avoid contact with her as much as possible. Act very calm though it's going to hard as hell. Mind over matter, just remember that.

When you see your L, tell him everything you know and what has happened leading up to this point. He's on your side, remember that.

[Gnosis]

SD, if you're in a no-fault state the affair means nothing legally.

Here is what does:

- Leaving the kids unattended and alone overnight.

L's are not there as a should to cry on. You hire a L to protect your legal rights and defend you. That's it.

[TrentC]

Trent, I hope and pray that you are right. I can't believe this is the woman I M. What happened to my W? My whole life is turned upside down because of her selfish reasons. I DON'T DESERVE THIS.

If it helps, keep in mind that she was probably hurting for a long time. Being deployed is hell on a soldier's family.

She's had to live with the fear that someday she'll get The Call, or have someone come to her door to offer her condolences. Your kids may never have gotten to see their father again.

It probably didn't start out as an affair. She was alone, and scared, and tired, and some creepy predator saw her as an easy mark. Maybe he offered to help her with something at the house. Maybe he started telling her all the things that she wishes you were there to tell her.

But now she's got the love chemicals bubbling in her head. How can she feel this way about someone else? Maybe she's not really in love with you. And how will you react when she tells you she's found someone else? What if you get angry, or violent?

So now she's confused, so she tells you she wants a D. And you start emailing and calling, which pushes her even farther away. Why can't you just let her go? Don't you see it'll just be easier for both of you if you let her go?

Maybe all of this is true; maybe none of it is true. But maybe it'll help you if you consider her as much a victim of this as you are.

[mulesqb]

W is contacting me via e-mail.

I'm not gonna respond, It is just too much.

I gotta let the system do the work for me now. I have an appt. Monday evening w/atty. Also, have confirmed that we will be at restraining order hearing as well. My L, tells me that the judge will probably let me have the boys, split at x-mas this year. Also told me that i CAN go to my house-calm, cool, colected. She might call police, and if so, remain calm. L also said that W would probably WANT me to take kids so that she can go do her thing.

Don't respond - absolutely nothing positive can come out of it. Remember - you have been playing offense by gathering intel, sending e-mail to let her know you know., etc.. Time to change direction and strategy. Play defense. Protect your end. Mystery from your side is good. How can she play offense against you when she doesn't know what you are doing. Give her nothing. Disguise your defenses.

Also, not so sure she is going to let you have the kids so easy. I am sure she is being schooled by her L that the way to winning right now is through being Supermom. Gaining custody. The better she looks as a mom, the more you pay.

Do your thing. Be the man you are. Trust in the system. Make sure your L is a good one. It is sooo important at this point. Calling the police is a typical move. Mine didn't. I was warned by many about that. I never gave her a chance. Always made sure our interactions were in the presence of another person who could vouch for me. Unfortunately this is what you have been dealt. I feel for you. But you have to play smart.

You can handle this. With Strength and Honor. Keep it up.

Mules

[SoldierDad]

Trent,
I agree 1000%. And when she first brought all this up-I immediately offered up counseling, and she immediately said it was too late. I know it is tough on her, she ALWAYS said EVERY time, that thes make us stronger, and that we will reconnect when you get back. She would tell me that she thought we became closer after a deployment.
You are right, some a$$hole took advantage of her, and now she probably feels like it is too late to go back to me, because I would make her life hell, so instead she is choosing to D me.
Wow, re-reading your post, really hurt me. I mean, I know she is hurting too, but to read that she doesn't love me, she will be better off without me, it just hurts. I know she feels that way right now, is that the FOG, or does she REALLY hate me?

I have to ask: Is it bad, that I want my W back? Even after all the evil she has done, is it bad that I still care, and want to bring her home? I need to know, is this reaction normal?
I almost feel like a doormat for wanting her back...

[givingitmyall]

Ya, I am listening to you all.

Should I reply to the e-mail about the threats?
I am hurting so bad right now. She is so nasty and vile. She basically admitted the A, but again-NO CONSEQUENCES for her!!!! She does what she wants. I want to see some results from this, it just seems to be making things so much worse...

Trent you are right. It will wait.

SD,

If the collective wisdom here (which is certainly greater than mine alone) is not to respond to the email, then DON'T.

Only a foolish person cannot admit he may be wrong.

[TrentC]

You are right, some a$$hole took advantage of her, and now she probably feels like it is too late to go back to me, because I would make her life hell, so instead she is choosing to D me.

SD, it really sucks that you have to fight even harder now that you're home. No one should have to deal with what you are dealing with, but especially not someone who has chosen to serve and protect their country.

Be the strong, honorable man that she and your family need you to be. Fight for her, but keep in mind that she's forgotten whose side she's supposed to be on.

If the OM leaves her life, the love chemicals will stop bubbling for him eventually. If you play it straight and are willing to leave the door open for reconciliation, who knows what will happen.

[Greek]

I am going to tell her family about this. They really need to know that i am not crazy, and she is doing this stuff. seriously, will this help?

No! No! No! This will not help. It's HER family! No matter how RIGHT you are, she is one of theirs.

Do not do this.
Greek

[mulesqb]

Trent,
I have to ask: Is it bad, that I want my W back? Even after all the evil she has done, is it bad that I still care, and want to bring her home? I need to know, is this reaction normal?
I almost feel like a doormat for wanting her back...

Why would it be bad to feel that way? They are your feelings.You love this woman. You have a family with this woman. But if you ever want a chance to get her back, you can't be a doormat. But you can make a lot of mistakes here that will make any reconciliation impossible.

That's why it is important you take in a lot of the advice you are getting. But at the same point, SD, it is important that you protect yourself here also.

Greek gave you a great post earlier about how to handle. Go back and read it.

Also talk to some of the other experts here.

Don't ever feel guilty about loving your spouse. I think it's awesome you can think that way and have forgiveness in your heart. And want to work at it. It's who you are.

Strength and Honor.

[TrentC]

I have to ask: Is it bad, that I want my W back?

Not at all. It shows incredible compassion and love.

Even after all the evil she has done, is it bad that I still care, and want to bring her home? I need to know, is this reaction normal?

If it's not, then you're hanging around with a lot of crazy people on this forum.

I almost feel like a doormat for wanting her back...

You're only a doormat if you don't take steps to prevent this from happening again. If she wants to come back to you, she should be willing to accept boundaries and a transparency plan as part of rebuilding trust.