She has also, as recently as this week, said I deserve to be with someone who loves me. So, whatever.
This sounds like a copout to me to make herself feel better about the situation. However, she is correct, you do deserve someone that is emotionally available to you and committed to a relationship in which both partners benefit as equally.
Here is an issue I have been wrestling with that came to me after posting last to Thinker's thread. And before I pose it, I understand this is a WHY question for which there may not be an answer and to which I will not devote a lot of time/energy.
My W has said she does not want to be M'd, at all. As in to no one.
Why would my W (a) get M'd in the first place and, MORE importantly (b) have 2 children with me. Keep in mind, my W has told me she has been unhappy 2-3 years, then that number became 7-8 years. If she were unhappy for 7-8 years, then why, pray tell, would she initiate having our 2nd child during a time when she was not happy?!?! I know, it only makes sense if W is simply re-writing history.
Don't get me wrong. I LOVE my children and am thankful every day they are in my life and that they were born. I'm not AT ALL suggesting I would want it ANY other way. I wouldn't.
So, either my W is not "the marrying kind" or she has reached this state as a result of being M'd to me. Or, I would agree, there may be something mostly unconnected with me, that has gotten her to that point.
I just don't understand how a person gets to that point absent abuse, infidelety, or substance abuse. None of those are present in my M, nor have they been. My W, I believe, equates herself with a victim of those types of transgressions, but I do not know why or how she can do that?
According to my IC/MC and everything I have read, the top reasons for divorce are the three A's; Adultery, Abuse, and Addiction. I believe that our sitches are quite similar with one exception. You are still living under the same roof as WAS. I am not. H and I have no addiction issues, nor has there been any type of abuse in our M. I have not been able come up with any proof regarding an affair at least while he was still living in the house. Now, I just don’t know. I hope not, but….if there is no abuse or addiction in the R/M then it has to be an affair. Right? I mean, what else could it be? Surely someone wouldn’t just walk away without having one of these three things. And round and round I go until it makes me crazy.
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
I just don't understand how a person gets to that point absent abuse, infidelety, or substance abuse. None of those are present in my M, nor have they been. My W, I believe, equates herself with a victim of those types of transgressions, but I do not know why or how she can do that?
Anyway, what I am trying to say is that I ask myself the same questions. And each time, I conclude that my WAS is doing what H feels is right. He can’t explain it and may not even understand it himself. And if that’s the case, the LBS cannot even begin to understand it either.
What’s the saying? Believe nothing they say and only ½ of what they do. I think this applies in your case and unfortunately the understanding piece of it all may never come.
Either the LBS (me) has incorrect perceptions about the three A's being absent, or the WAS has a misperception about them being present (really just the abuse and addiction).
So, either my W is not "the marrying kind" or she has reached this state as a result of being M'd to me. Or, I would agree, there may be something mostly unconnected with me, that has gotten her to that point.
IMO, she's talking out of her a$s and saying these things to justify what she's telling you now/her excuses for wanting out.
So, either my W is not "the marrying kind" or she has reached this state as a result of being M'd to me. Or, I would agree, there may be something mostly unconnected with me, that has gotten her to that point.
IMO, she's talking out of her a$s and saying these things to justify what she's telling you now/her excuses for wanting out.
And I agree with you. The question though is WHY she wants out. Just a mental exercise and a question that probably has no answer.
I heard a similar thing from my W awhile back. She looks at how "happy" her mom is and how her mom has no desire to remarry. I think it is a way for them to justify their decision but only they really know and they might not even know for that matter.
Again who knows why they say half the things they do. As you said don't spend to much time on it.
You have dropped the rope and who knows what the future holds. Keep doing what you have been doing and live in today, not yesterday and not tomorrow.
M 33 | W 34 | Kids: S4, S3 M: 5/28/05 Bomb: 8/22/09 EA: 8/1/09 | PA 12/26/09 W L: 10/21/09 M L: 11/16/09 | 12/09 to file SA W & Boys Move Out: 3/14/10
My W is so similar. Cold as a robot now too. Says the same stuff about how she has felt through history. It could be a revision of her memories. On the other hand, maybe she was legitimately unhappy and either didn't know why or thought it would get better with time. Maybe she thought another child would help.
I remember my W saying that she kept thinking "I'll be happy when..." and it never came. We have the house, cars, vacations, kid...and she still wasn't happy. Therefore, in her mind, it must be something with the marriage. This just isn't where she's "supposed to be" in life.
Once she made that decision...she was ready to go and nothing could stop her.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
All good points guys. And EB, your description is eerily similar to what I perceive may be going on in my sitch.
Kemper, you (and me, ha) are correct. Not going to spend much time on this. Just mostly curious and feeling a bit like pontificating on a Friday afternoon.
Or, I would agree, there may be something mostly unconnected with me, that has gotten her to that point.
I choose to insert a big ole "Aha" after this remark. I think it is dead on.
Originally Posted By: gima
I just don't understand how a person gets to that point absent abuse, infidelety, or substance abuse.
The human mind never ceases to amaze us, huh? She is processing and grasping at that which is the path of least resistance and would require the least amount of personal overhaul and hard work in her life. We all do it, every last one of us. Just another sample of the devil twisting and distorting realities and truths. I hope and pray she processes further and has 'her eyes uncovered' from that which the devil uses to decieve.
All of us 'stumble and fall' from time to time. It is what you do in reaction to it that matters most. Or that you even recognize that you have 'fallen'. Devil's trickery.
Originally Posted By: gima
None of those are present in my M, nor have they been.
Perhaps you spoke too quickly on this one. By making that comment it is as if you spoke for two people when you are only one. Do you know with absolute certainty that she would answer exactly the same as you and completely dismiss any existence of abuse. I feel pretty sure that most of us guys immediately 'knee-jerk' to think in terms of physical abuse. Why? Because we tend to be the physically wired ones and so I think that causes us to normally dismiss any other forms of abuse.
Now I have opened a can of worms. --- Of course W's tend toward the emotional side of things as opposed to the physical so that is what pops into many of their minds when thinking of abuse.
that's more than my $.02 worth.
I have digressed. Better stop before I think I am Dr. Ted or something.
Originally Posted By: gima
My W, I believe, equates herself with a victim of those types of transgressions, but I do not know why or how she can do that?
Freewill. Gotta love it, sorta. Atleast I love the Rush song (as I love them all)
