Over the Shock and GALing 6

[Thinker]

Thank you Sandi,

I can see so much of my own sitch in this that it gives me both hope and pause.

...he kept saying that he needed to know that I was willing to throw 100% into working on our M.

I don't think I say this that often, but I feel it almost constantly. I don't press her for committment, but whenever we do get into an R discussion all I get from her is "I don't know, I can't force anything, I don't feel anything, I don't see you in my future, I don't think it can work." - but she doesn't want to proceed with D. I get very frustrated and just want to say "make a decision! Commit or leave!"

The problem I had at that moment was I had thrown myself into my M 100% all those years before and I was exhausted and had mentally & emotionally given up and was why I was vulnerable to the EA when it happened. I was still exhausted and trying so hard to deal with not continuing my EA....not contacting OM, etc. So, all I could give my H at that time....was to tell him that I was willing....to be willing. That was as much as I could do right then.

I can see that. The most I get from my w is that she is "willing to take things day by day". She is willing to "see if maybe she feels anything", but doesn't make any real outward effort.

He wanted to see me completely turned back into the old Sandi overnight..... He told me he wanted his old W back

This I completely understand. I look at the way my w was a number of years ago and say "I want that back!".

I told him I wanted that too but that she just wasn't there right then but I would try hard to find her again.

This I don't hear from my w. I hear "I just can't, there were too many years of too much.. (non specific complaints)"

Thank you for your support and the descriptions of your history. It really does help me understand my w and help me find more patience.

[givingitmyall]

Thinker and Sandi,

I am in pretty much the same spot as Thinker. And just like Mrs. Thinker, Mrs. GIMA has not said anything to indicate she wants to find the "old Mrs. GIMA" or work on our M at all. I don't expect her to say ok, I'm ready to work on our M now. But, I would need to hear she was at least open to exploring the possibility of reconciliation - THAT she said, we set MC, then she denied she ever said that.

[Thinker]

Journaling:

Just a quick update. Not much has been happening in the sitch. Mrs. T's mom continues to slowly get sicker, which is consuming a lot of her emotions right now. We are enjoying the christmas season with the boys, both joyfully playing "Move the elf" with the new "Elf on the shelf" we just got. The boys love it and see to really believe. Other than that, we are kind of going our own ways and doing our own things. Thursdays used to be our "date nights", but last night (as we did the week before) we got a babysitter and then each went out separately. I had fun anyway.

Trying to find something fun for the family to do tomorrow (saturday). I'd like to get the whole group out for the day, but need to consider that it is going to be below freezing and windy - not great for walking around with small children.

We've started planning a family visit to Mrs. T's Mom for the week over new years.

Emotionally I cycle in and out of temporary anger and impatience, but have mostly been able to compartmentalize it. I still have a hard time separating providing my w with compassion, support and understanding (which I need to do) from becoming emotionally attached to her (which inevitably causes me pain). I'm getting better at it. The roller coaster cycles seem to be getting smaller each time.

[Coach]

Emotionally I cycle in and out of temporary anger and impatience, but have mostly been able to compartmentalize it. I still have a hard time separating providing my w with compassion, support and understanding (which I need to do) from becoming emotionally attached to her (which inevitably causes me pain). I'm getting better at it. The roller coaster cycles seem to be getting smaller each time.

So if she asks why are you "acting that way." Use her words back on her, "I can't fake it." "I'm not attracted to you anymore." "ILYBINILWY" etc. Don't be mean just be honest with her instead of acting as if for a change.

[Thinker]

Emotionally I cycle in and out of temporary anger and impatience, but have mostly been able to compartmentalize it. I still have a hard time separating providing my w with compassion, support and understanding (which I need to do) from becoming emotionally attached to her (which inevitably causes me pain). I'm getting better at it. The roller coaster cycles seem to be getting smaller each time.

So if she asks why are you "acting that way." Use her words back on her, "I can't fake it." "I'm not attracted to you anymore." "ILYBINILWY" etc. Don't be mean just be honest with her instead of acting as if for a change.

She never asks. When it comes to "Act as If" she is a prodigy. It's her habitual defense mechanism.

I agree with what you are saying, however.

[givingitmyall]

She never asks.

That's a big "ME TOO."

[Greek]

Keep it up. She'll ask.
Greek

[Thinker]

Keep it up. She'll ask.
Greek

Actually, I think in both GIMA's and my sitches, that isn't correct. What we have both found is that our W's continue to act as if it doesn't bother them and they don't say anything - until it surfaces much later in an R discussion as the example of the latest reason why the R will never work and the M is all our fault.

If we have been distant - "See, you are just not an affectionate person"

If we have been angry - "See, you are a moody, resentful person. I just can't live with that any more"

If we have been refraining from helping them with their issues or from being a fully supportive spouse (ie GIMA's decision not to visit FIL) - "See, you are an inconsiderate, selfish person and this M can therefore never work"

I have lost these discussions every time they occur, as my does not seem to view what I am doing as a consequence of the M sitch, but instead as an example of the cause of the M sitch.

GIMA, your input?

It does, nowever, appear to be a very effective method of keeping the LBS in line - it's been working with me.

[Coach]

"See, you are just not an affectionate person"

I can't fake it. I am not attracted to you anymore.

"See, you are a moody, resentful person. I just can't live with that any more"

I agree this relationship isn't working for me either. Your affairs and bitterness have affected me. I have decided we will wrap this up _________________.

"See, you are an inconsiderate, selfish person and this M can therefore never work"

See above.


Agree with her. Become the WAS. Start acting like her but ramp it up with the Thinker spin on it.This is how she keeps you off your game. You want to defend your position.

[Thinker]

This is how she keeps you off your game. You want to defend your position.

Yes, you are correct. She does. And it works...

She says "You are just not an affectionate person" and my brain starts to scream "Bullsh*t! I've been trying to be affectionate for X years and you won't reciprocate!

I have found, however, if I follow through and say just that, then her response is just turn and blame that on something vague and non-specific that I (supposedly) did in the early years of our M.

I can't win in any discussion like this, so I try not to get into them.


I see what you say about becomming the WAS. I am having trouble balancing that with staying committed and supportive of her right now during her mothers passing, so for now I am just focusing on staying strong, patient, and supportive.