Oh well Ali, you can have disagreements and it still be a normal healthy rel. I am sure you have made up by now. Good for you for speaking up,after having done all you can and putting up with "things" ie mil incl. The very least he could do was agree to a family gathering. Did he give any real reason for this? Maybe he is just not up to it with his depression but he was up for you meeting his friends etc, so that is slightly off kilter.
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Afterall, its pretty shocking that someone can up and walk out, but would he really do it again?
Ali, you read the boards-need I say more, thats why it is still important that you don't get swallowed up in "his" life, keep doing your own things on occasions until yr relationship truly is a partnership and 2 way street and even then keep it up. A lesson I wished I had learnt sooner. Bending and compromise is great that's what it is all about but even given his depression he does seem to be rigid. Don't let fear that he will up and go again stop you from being you. It is early days yet and bound to be in yr mind esp. when you disagree but never let it cripple you so you can't state your needs and wants. Remember how far you have come. That would be the kiss of death to you both ever reaching a healthy loving and deep relationship that has lastability.
One of the things that I realized in going back to therapy again was I allowed myself to get lost and put on hold while I was trying to deal w/the "issues" G was going through.
When she pulled away, it allowed me - better yet, FORCED me - to re-examine myself and what I was doing. In the end, I'm doing "my" things for me and still having contact w/G.
Regardless of what goes on w/G and I, I'm understanding again that if I lose my sense of "me" and stop doing "my" things, I suffer.
So, naej is correct to say to you to make sure you are still doing your "Ali" things and not just focusing on BF.
Don't allow yourself to get "lost" again after you did so well in finding your true you over the past few years.
Hey Naej - yes he said himself, he wants us tp have a normal R, so its ok to have conflict, we had some Friday night too! I really really dont think he would up and leave again and he has zero contact with Helen since they split. How lucky am I? Seriously, this stuff is rare, so it freaks me out at times, but I do count my blessings. My sister is staying with us, she noticed the change in him - that he is more firm, doesnt 'people please' so much now and although she thinks the pendelum is slightly the other way right now, its good because she felt he was too repressed before and eager to please and that his evident awareness of all this means the pendulum WILL settle down in time. I agree and am happy with that.
Hey Andabelle, well remembered! Sorry, I meant his 'Cornwall BMF', a guy BF loves, but doesnt see often. Thank goodness he didnt get together with Helen afterall! Helen did make a play for Cher's brother strangely, after her and bf split up. Cornwall IS small place though ! But yes, she is 100%, history.
hey Rob.. well I was always committed to following MY dreams and doing my own thing even to the extent of not paying attention to how my choices impacted on bf, so not doing that so much right now is a bit of 180 for me. For example, I was due to start college in September for a new direction and I declined the place, for the sake of this new R. Financially it would have put a strain on us and I would have been very busy and I just felt it wasnt worth it. I've strived enough and I want to put time into my R now. Its a tricky one as this cant continue, so at some point I need to resume my own path, but be mindful that we are a partnership. So far, I'm still in 'reconciling' mode, but then we were apart 18 months.
I'm grateful for DB guidance these 2 years, because 'regular' counsellors just dont get it. They tell you to respect yourself, get rid, put up boundaries etc.. but noone would ever reconcile if you followed that advice !
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Hi gilrs, thanks for thinking of me! How are you both? I've had an emotional few weeks!
This time last year bf was with Helen. He was even NC for a month until he phoned me the week before Christmas. We chatted for an hour and he told me he was going skiing for Christmas and reluctantly admitted "with someone else...". Gosh how hard that was to bear back then.
We bought our Christmas tree last night, I started crying in the shop and he was all worried, but I explained its because I am so happy. To be here, now, with him, buying a pine tree (which I love) is amazing, when last year I didnt even have the heart to get one, because he was with her.
So back home he put some Christmas music on but before we could decorate the tree, he grabbed me for a slow dance to Bing Crosby. I nearly cried again! I sent him a message today saying that one little romantic spontaneous dance around the tree meant so much to me, more than all the "I'm sorry's".
I sometimes get nervous because I am so freaked out to be in this position. Its hard to be secure 100% of the time because its so dramatic what happened and so unusual that I got here, back together, happier than ever and totally fine. Its not like we stayed together, whilst he had an A. He just left and 18 months is a long time to be apart and he dated for 8 months. Yet we love each other more than ever and our relationship is better and stronger for it and I am glad he left me. I just wish I had coped better when he left.
My BFF's gf is M with 3 young children. Her H is 43 and last year after the birth of their baby, he quit his job, started an A, left her and moved to London. 18 months on, the A is over and he wants back. She said no, no way, too much damage done especially to the children. She has heard of MLC, but said he has been too selfish and gave no thought to their suffering. I thought, wow, she isnt prepared to forgive him and take him back, even with a long M and 3 children? DBing isnt for everyone, so I do sometimes point out to bf he is lucky that I took him back, lots of woman in my shoes would'nt have!
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
