For those with a WAS...How do you cope?

[courts0818]

Hi Britt,
I remember reading that story in one of your posts. I see your point - in fact, a couple of months ago my H was snooping through my dresser drawer and found a check that was made out to the both of us that I was intentionally keeping from him. I felt guilty about it - bc I don't like dishonesty. And I wasn't thilled that he was going through my stuff.

However, IMHO, I would be snooping and spying to gather info to confirm my suspicion of OW. He made the choice to walk out. He hasn't respected me our marriage or the vows we made for 15-18 months so I feel justified in snooping. Do I think spying is deceitful...well yeah under certain circumstances...but this is about finally gathering undeniable facts and not just going with hearsay and assumptions. This is about getting info and making informed choices. This is about giving me a little more control in an uncontrollable situation.

I've had assumptions for a long time. Bc they are only assumptions, I haven't enforced many boundaries and haven't felt able to do much of anything besides work on myself and sit in limbo land. Working on myself and being thankful for the blessing in my life is GREAT. But, sitting in limbo land and possibly tolerating an A is unacceptable. Know what I mean?
It feels like I could be right here a year from now, still doing the exact same thing if I don't put an effort into gathering info and breaking things up. Until I read it over and over again, I didn't get that H will never be ready or willing to work on our M if there is an OW. He just won't be able to get to that place and I cannot sit and wait for years. I do know he's talking to someone - I've seen many calls on his cell statement, but I don't have access to details bc his phone is through this work. And recently he left his email up and in his contacts was the name of a female - the same female he's been talking to. All I saw were jokes to/from her, but he could have deleted other stuff.

IDK exactly what I'm going to do, just looking at some options. I'm not going to jump head first into snooping right now. I want to focus on Christmas for my DD. She's 3 and is so excited. Although I feel more in control of my emotions and my reactions, I don't want to put myself into a position of getting bad info and being too upset to enjoy Christmas - ya know how emotions and things can blow up around the holidays.
I'm focusing on Christmas and special holdiay things, but come January it's time for boundaries and info.

lol...blureain...nice FB status from my sis, huh? IDK who she was mad at. That might have just been a general comment. She's a taking no $hit from anyone kinda girl.

I understand that any info I find is going to be devastating and I can't say I'm not fearful of that, but I'm trusting that God won't give me more than I can handle. It is scary though bc I just got to the place of being more in control and not allowing things to cosume me - by looking for info I know I'm putting myself right in the fire.

Maple,
If I could get ahold of H's phone and see his texts, that would probably be all the info I need. But, I really NEVER have a chance to get my hands on his phone. He doesn't live here and when he is here it's in his hands or his pocket 24/7. He does not leave it sitting anywhere. And if he happened to, I'm guessing all messages would be erased.

I'm torn bc I know hearing and seeing things will rip my heart out and be excruciating, but sitting, waiting and wondering is painful too.

Hmmmm....glad I have plans this afternoon. I need some fresh air.