Coach, I see your point. Believe it or not you are getting through to me.
Last night, it was a mixed bag. She came home early because she did not feel well stating "I am not in a good place". I did not press her to discuss anything. She asked if meeting her in the resturaunt made me feel "uncertain". She said she felt so much uncertainty when I showed up. (see previous post) Guys, this "undertaintly" didn't come from me. I had come fresh from a victorious fight and had alot of swagger in my step. There was not a trace of uncertainty about my demeaner or dress. I told her no it did not feel that way, in fact I felt very good. She then broke off the conversation. I let it go. I think she was dangling it out in front of me for me to pursue. I held the line and moved forward.
Later I approached her on the topic of Christmas. She discussed how she is not into Christmas this year, doesn't want to buy presents(even for our kids), and is not looking forward to it at all. I attempted to validate her feelings and discuss specifics. The conversation tapered off but I lingered. SHe then brought up again things about her work day that made her sad/caused her to be in a "bad place". She said she is centered in herself, but everything around her is up in the air. (This does not appear to be the case from my perpective aftter all something that happened at work caused set her reeling.) She discussed how she is in a transition and everything seemed different. I agreed that things were different. (Maybe this is an over read, but I think I was supposed to say "I haven't changed. You changed. This is all your fault. Please, baby, Please." I didn't. I offered nothing but validating words and said nothing of my feeelings.
Then, she brought up our MC appointment. She said well isn't there a baby sitter?('I may as well go'). I responded yes, I had made child care arrangements but that was all. The availability of a baby sitter is not a help or a hinderance and, she knows, we would not be required to pay if we did not use the sitter. I told her I intended to keep it as an individual appointment, if she wanted to come, that would be fine. (Ok, I said that would be "great"., but not "GREAT!"). Again, a pretty good boundry, eh?
Then, she asked whether I was in IC. I told her that I had met with an IC seperate from our MC to work on some of my issues. She said "Really?". I told her I would not discuss our relationship or my issues, right now. She said she didn't want to talk R, but went on to talk about everyone elses relationships. I let her talk. Then, I simply got up and left the room. (Again, asserting a limitation.)
Later in bed, I told her I was sorry about her work situation that was bothering her. She seemed to begrudingly accept my compassion. Then, after a dramatic pause, I said "Do you want to know what I think about it?" She said yes. I told her that the she was the driving force behind the benefit you are trying to confer on the clients. Then, I added, in my best Forest Gump, "And Thats All I Have To Say About That." To me this said, here is some emotional support with a boundry, take it, leave it.
I successfully set another yet another boundry this morning. I think I have mentioned I have a tendancy to want to solve every problem, big or small. It is my gift, my compulsion and my curse. Anyway, she told me about a logistical problem with running an errand, picking up D11 and making her meetings. I lokked at D11 and told her I would pick her up after school. My wife then reiterated the errand problem. I told her that she would figure it out and left it at that. This stuff may seem small to the observer, but to me it is a big deal given my past proclivity to prove myself indispensible to my wife through fixing things. I left this problem to her. How am I doing?
It seems to me that you are ignoring the elephant in the room. Look at what Coach has given you. Look at what you should have been doing but Nomad beat you to it and look what has happened for him.
It looks like you are setting boundries for yourself in regards of responding to her problems.
THIS WILL NOT GO AWAY ACTING NICE. She is passifying you by going to MC, the woman will spin 2 plates as long as she can.
Just because you stop trying to fix everything or walk out of the room doesn't make it a boundary. The validating, letting her problems be her problems and not taking the bait is all good and neccessary.
A boundary is when someones behavior is unacceptable to you then you state what the consequences will be if they continue that behavior. Google "Crucial Conversations" and "Crucial Conversations." Look up boundsaries in relationships as well. Do your homework.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Well, I discovered email proof of the A yesterday. Ten minutes before I confronted her with the email, she denied it telling me I was arrogant, jelous, and paranoid. She actually prefered I think I was losing my mind to telling the truth! How sad. She was defensive, threatening and angry. My responses were that of firm compassion. The message I sent was 'you can only fool yourself now'.
I immediately set a boundry. End it or I will expose it. She wanted to know who I would expose it to. I responded it doesn't work that way and refused to elaborate. I walked away. I done good.
SHe approached me in the evening. I refused to talk. Late last night I told her how it felt to read your wifes writtings on the OM and being in love with him. She appologized for lying. No remose for the A though. But as I understand it that takes a long, long time. But my intention is not to make her feel bad about herself, she already does. My intention is to break the A.
Anyway, the baby(D2/12) was crying so I got up to go sleep in the nursery stating, I don't know how many nights I have left with my kids, so I am going to spend this one with her. She broke down. She talked about how bad our relationship was(shock). I acknowledged her feelings. But added, there is a direct inverse relationship between how bad our relationship is and how strong your feelings are for the OM. Then, she acknowledged there had been some good in our relationship. Strange. I felt I held the floor so I went on to ask if she noticed some character flaws in a married man who pursues a married woman. She said she just got swept up in the R. She said there has been so much pain in our relationship. I acknowledged her feelings ading the solution to pain in our relationship was not to simply start a new relationship. That does not lead you out of pain. But I added that you cant be wise and in love and I know you are in love with him. She cried and I held her. She discussed past relationships and her childhood. I just held her.
This morning, she said she was going to end the A.
I still need to set some boundries here. I spent much of last night thinking of them. I would like some advise. Here is my thinking. 1) End the A--no non-work related contact and that must be minimal and professional; 2) Grieve the loss of the R with OM.3) IC is a must(Also, she lied to our MC about the A); 4) If you want my trust, there must be transperancy; 5) If you want MC, then say so. Otherwise, I expose the A and walk. To high handed?
I may also have words with this pathetic excuse for a man who dared prey upon my wife when whe was vulnerable.
Also, "2) Grieve the loss of OM" -- wtf??? Yes, she will probably have to do that, but you don't put that on YOUR list of boundaries!!!
Boundaries should be:
1) Quit your job immediately, and begin looking for another one.
2) Write "no-contact" letter to OM, the content of which is to be approved by you and the letter is to be mailed or delivered by you (so that she doesn't add anything to it before mailing).
3) FULL TRANSPARENCY -- e-mail login/passwords, new cellphone # with detailed billing which comes to you, keylogger on her computer, she keeps her cellphone unlocked and available to you anytime you want to look at it, exchange daily schedules, etc.
4) Counseling -- not sure what you can afford, but a good pro-marriage MC who specializes in infidelity is a must, plus probably an IC for her.
5) She gets a full-panel STD test, and shows you the results. Once now, and once again six months from now.
- just remember you can forgive her for the affair - it doesn't define her as a person, it's just a bad judgment on her part - you will except nothing less than 100% wholehearted effort on her part - if she's not willing to do this tell her that YOU are done - you're not going to waste your time, love & energy on someone who isn't worth it - you also won't tolerate being a weekend dad, you'll fight for joint custody and you also won't be taken to the cleaners in the divorce, you will hire the lawyer that the lawyer would hire to protect himself - you're a man and you have as many rights as she does, you aren't going to pay for her affair
Stand up for yourself, you want to prove that you have a pair, stand up to your wife, tell her enough is enough, this crap ends now or she can start looking for a new place to live, you won't be moving out of your home anytime soon and you want just sit back and have your life stripped away from you.
Well, we just met. She said she spoke with OM this morning and ended it. She looks sad as I would expect. I really feel bad for her. I expressed I understand you are in love with him and are grieving.
I told her that he needed to be 100% out of her life if not I would expose it. She said she would not stop associating with him professionally. She said she can be around him and control herself. "Really? How's that worked so far?" I also questioned whether she wanted to associate with someone like that professionally--someone who will take advantage of others suffering. This angered her further, but there was some recognition that I made a valid point. Nevertheless, she siezed upon it as an opportunity to defend him. I got script about how she has never felt connected with me. I explained that I was sorry I have not been present a lot of times, but this has served as a huge wake up call and I am ready, willing and able to be the man you deserve. She reiterated she did not want to try.
I reiterated my boundry and began to leave. She said she would not be controlled or threatened. She said go ahead tell who ever you want, noone is going to care, it will be gossip for a week and that will be it. I said I am not controling you. I am controling me. I said I am a man fighting for his marriage and his family. She said lets discuss our plans to divide property. I refused and left. She got the last work, "This is how you show someone you love them?"
Everytime, I have asserted a boundry she has done two things 1) got angry and 2) complied. I guess I should not have expected anything less than anger and threats. She just lost something she loves and lost it in a sudden, painful way. Guys, this is a real gut check.
