NO CARD. NO EMOTION> This should only be from the kids and for the kids sake. I'd stay as detached as you've ever been (and you are the master), and be there as minimally as possible, for the kids' sake. Don't wish her a happy birthday, but don't get upset either. Stone cold. She's alone now and you owe her nothing. That's how you should come across.
How about giving her D papers for a bday gift? ok, sorry, couldn't resist.
I am still open to working on the M, but that is wasted effort unless W also wants to work on the M.
That would be the exact answer to hand her if she brings MC up again.
I go along with all that Greek has told you, GIMA. Since your W has gone to her folks, that will let her see how it will be in the future without you. So, carry through with the birthday, etc. to have a visual picture to her as to how she can expect further events.
Maybe allow your youngest to pick out the cake & card (if the card isn't too bad) and your W will know you didn't have a hand in choosing it, b/c youngest will be sure and tell her he did it all by himself. She will probably be able to tell that he picked it out...just by looking at it. If he suggest balloons to go along with all of that....I would try to talk him down out of any more than cake/card b/c it would look too much (know what I mean).
Next time any opportunity comes up that you can use to show her not to take it for granted that you will be home.......such as when you told her to cancel the arrangements for the dog, b/c you would be home this weekend? I don't think she was doing it, but you told her you'd be home and could take care of the pet. The idea is that she needs to "wonder" what you are doing and why couldn't you take care of the dog. Next time just don't volunteer to pet sit and don't tell her you'll be home all weekend. Mystery...
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Next time any opportunity comes up that you can use to show her not to take it for granted that you will be home.......such as when you told her to cancel the arrangements for the dog, b/c you would be home this weekend? I don't think she was doing it, but you told her you'd be home and could take care of the pet. The idea is that she needs to "wonder" what you are doing and why couldn't you take care of the dog. Next time just don't volunteer to pet sit and don't tell her you'll be home all weekend. Mystery...
Very good point. No excuse, but I didn't want to waste the $$$.
I do plan on taking Greek's and Coach's, and now your, advice about being sparse this weekend. I will only call in the evening to talk to kids. I will not answer her texts/voice messages unless they concern the kids. I will go out with friends and will probably call the kids from a loud bar. "Where are you GIMA?" Oh, just out."
Put the kids on the bus this morning. Won't see them again until Monday after work.
Last night, just before saying prayers with the kids (W was in their room with us packing for their trip), the kids said they were sad I wasn't going and that they would miss me. Thanks guys, I will miss you too and can't wait to hear about the trip on Monday when you get back.
After putting the kids to bed, I watched a little TV in the den. Very little discussion with W, as in virtually none. And right now, I really don't feel like talking to her. So, I went to bed a little early.
I then heard W decorating our Christmas tree alone. Rather than stop her since that was something we should do as a "family," I decided it would be better to allow my W this little slice of reality and what it would be like once we D - I won't be there to help decorate her tree. I will be busy decorating mine with the kids. A bit sad, but she needs to own this.
This morning, I put the kids on the bus then came back in the house. I normally eat breakfast, read a little in my Bible, then head to work. This morning, I had no desire to stick around, so after putting the kids on the bus (and giving them a BIG hug) I grabbed my Bible, told my W I wanted to know the kids arrived safely (she said she would let me know) and I left for work. I didn't offer to help her pack or say anything else to her. Her trip, not mine.
So, shifting gears this morning from missing kids already to planning my weekend - just me and my dogs. And the cat. And the fish.
Thanks for the confirmation. I think I am following the game plan pretty well, but this is sort of new territory for me, and so it helps to have reinforcement that I'm on the right track.
You are definitely on the right track. M'd people check in with each other, send little reminders and notes, celebrate events together, and are thoughtful toward each other. She doesn't want a M anymore so she doesn't get any of that anymore. Simple? No. Hard to change long ingrained habits. Hard to stop thinking of her as your W and start thinking of her only as mother to your children.
GIMA, I've been D'd over a year and S'd a year before that. I still sometimes am on auto-pilot and nearly call or text xh to tell him something that happened or a funny joke I heard that I know he'd enjoy. I don't do it. I stop myself, but even that still hurts me a little. It does get easier, but years of habit take years of reprogramming to get past.
You are such a strong man and a wonderful, caring father. I just know you are going to make it to the other side of this with your dignity and soul intact. You're taking all the right steps now to insure that.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
I really have no hope W is affected by anything I am doing (and this is NOT why I am doing what I am doing). She has me firmly convinced that she does not want to be M'd. She has told friends of ours she does not see herself EVER getting re-M'd. Ever.
I know this is an unreasonable statement, but it indicates she may be more turned off by the idea of being M'd to anyone v. being M'd to ME. Another possible indicator that I have less and less to do with causing our D than I previously thought.
She has also, as recently as this week, said I deserve to be with someone who loves me. So, whatever.
She has also, as recently as this week, said I deserve to be with someone who loves me. So, whatever.
This sounds like a copout to me to make herself feel better about the situation. However, she is correct, you do deserve someone that is emotionally available to you and committed to a relationship in which both partners benefit as equally.
Last edited by Kemper; 12/11/0902:33 PM.
M 33 | W 34 | Kids: S4, S3 M: 5/28/05 Bomb: 8/22/09 EA: 8/1/09 | PA 12/26/09 W L: 10/21/09 M L: 11/16/09 | 12/09 to file SA W & Boys Move Out: 3/14/10
ok, sorry, couldn't resist.
If he suggest balloons to go along with all of that....I would try to talk him down out of any more than cake/card b/c it would look too much (know what I mean).