After bedtime, I asked WAW if she wanted some food. I cook, she doesn't, and I knew it would be a stop at McD's en route to WAW Central HQ. She accepted, we sat at the kitchen table, she ate some homemade soup, I gave her some coffee and a slice of pie, we talked, it was no problem.
She mentioned how surprised she still is at how well I manage things -- I always thought you were unable to step up and take care of business, boy was I wrong.
She recognized the unreasonableness of her demand that I call her to get bitched out about not calling and speaking -- that was really nice of you to just listen like that, and I want you to know both that I appreciate it and I understand your POV that it was unreasonable of me to expect you to.
She admitted how bad she feels about the PA with Signore -- that was pretty sh*tty, and I understand your feelings and why you're angry with me.
She acknowledged her jealousy over Miss Someone -- I know I wanted the D and I left, but it still bothers me that you could have that connection with another woman because it makes me wonder if I wasn't seeing you the right way.
She expressed her gratitude that I was willing to hear her out and speak to her -- I really do understand now just how angry and hurt you are, so I don't want to take it for granted, so just know that I appreciate you going outside your comfort zone.
I'm not. This is their relationship. It's not what others want in a marriage. but it is the comfortable blanket that she curls up in. And he still lets her have it.
Back in the US of A for 12 hours now. WAW came by to drop off the dog and all the assorted detritus of a week's child care. Gave her a coffee, we chatted a bit. It was awkward-lite -- not unmanageable, but clearly a bit of discomfort.
We agreed this was better than the Crazy Train. She apologized again for the Batsh*t-Crazy-a-Thon that produced the last 2 months of ire.
She emphasized her moving-on-ness -- sort of shoved it out there, though it didn't really fit in the main trends of the convo. I said, "Yes, I heard you say that, it's great, but back to the point...."
I did the confident DB'er, leadership bit -- so what are we going to do? What strategy(ies) do you want to consider for moving forward so we can be better for the kids? Do you want to go back to the couple counselor and sort of clear out all the crap from the last year, 10 years, entirety of the R? Do you just want to let things roll whichever way they do unguided?
You know, that sort of thing.
Didn't define any specific outcome. Just told her "food for thought." No need to make any decisions now -- she leaves on a Great Adventure with East Coast Girlfriend the day after Christmas anyway -- let's just survive the holiday as intact as possible for the sake of Themselves.
So that's about it for Oh-Nine. It's been (at least) a year of the Walkaway Process for her which, when I mentioned it, seemed to surprise her a bit -- but I'd come across the birthday card she gave me last year, and it was about as personal as a card you might give the mailman, so it's clear (in retrospect) that she was already checked-out at this time last year. It's been 10 months since D-Day, 6 since she moved out. I'm not doing too poorly, all things considered. I had a splendidly romantic time last week; I have some money coming in for '10; lost a couple of job opportunities in the normal interview-process attrition, but at least people are interested.
She seems to be okay -- she's got Mr. Someone cooking along; her Great Adventure is looming; she's had some significant professional and personal accomplishments.
The kids are trying to make their way -- they struggle, more so now than in the past, but they also rally themselves which is a good sign.
So whatever happens, happens. I just don't have the energy to be too concerned about it anymore. I learned a lot about myself thus far -- I can do everything WAW said I couldn't do; I can take a hit of this magnitude and keep moving forward; the world of romance, far from dying, is wide, wide open to me -- the ladies seem to like me, and superficial though it might be that recognition goes a long way to easing the pain. Not the best way to bring an end to a year, but it could certainly be worse.
Well that's a nice thing to say, @Puppy Dog Tails, and thanks for it.
One of the things that is helpful for me, I think, is to realize that "well" -- as in "doing well" -- is an inherently undefinable word. I can make "well" what I want of it. This is much better than holding myself out in comparison to some arbitrarily chosen other status (such as, oh, for example, you might say, theoretically, as merely one case, being happily married).
That, I realized, was pretty pointless -- the ultimate cheeseless tunnel:
I can't be doing well because I'm getting divorced and used to be happily married and oh what I wouldn't give for her to come to her senses and come back and I'd be so great and we'd be so great and it would be so great and wouldn't it be great and since it's not and she's gone and it's the holidays my life is a wreck and I'm miserable and it will never be better.
Naaaahhh. The bottom line is you have to get back to the Spiers Doctrine -- given that you're already dead, what does "doing well" look like?
Once I cut into it that way, things improved -- I think it's what allowed me to sort-of re-cross the Rubicon there and put up with WAW's recent nonsense and allow her to talk to me. I'm not saying it's easy -- we were sitting on the sofa (L-shaped, her at one end, me at'other), and I asked her, "So now what?" and we discussed a couple things relative to the kids and trying to keep deconflicting our mutual engagement now that the mouthpieces are engaged in a fight over the Benjamins, and she said something silly to which I replied, involuntarily, "Oh, honey, how would --"
Eeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrkkkkkkkkkkkk! Brakes slammed, I smiled a bit sheepishly and said, "See how easily that came out? What I've been telling you -- it ain't easy being the one who's left behind, so maybe you could gimme a dam break on the whole friendship thing."
She was a bit shocked, but laughed; I was a bit shocked, but laughed; and the laughter sort of smoothed the whole thing over. And she took the point -- it's the process, not the destination, that really matters on a day-to-day basis.
So that's "pretty well" in my book. Managing the process. Finding that I can still laugh. Even with her. And moving forward a step at a time.
Per Ardua indeed. Sweartagad, sometimes I think I'm schizo.
Just when I think it's okay to treat WAW like a Normal Human Being, she goes and acts like....WAW.
Tonight the Girl Child had a choir recital at the elementary school. She was out of her little 6-year-old mind with excitement. And what a Mad Dash to the finish line -- I pick Themselves up at school care, hustle them back to the house, fix them dinner, iron her new blouse, fluff up her new crinoline skirt, feed her, clean her up, help her into her tights and outfit, do her hair, get the Boy Child presentable enough for the General Public ("here, these pants only have a hole in one knee"), and skeedaddle for the school.
WAW shows up, we watch the show, no problem. Just as described above.
And then....Comes The WAW.
We go back to the house. Kid-Children are soooooo happy to see her. They can't wait to show her the Christmas tree, upon which I've hung the lights and the new tree-topper.
The kids start in with the "give us our bath, Mommy, put us to bed!" thing, so I ask -- "Do you want to do that?"
Classic. Ummm -- sheepish grin -- ah! Oh! Um, I have to, um, go. Someplace. For a...
Cue @Gypsy. "Okay -- enough said, I get it. Say goodbye to your mom, kids."
Brilliant. F*cking brilliant. Her daughter's recital night, on the calendar for 2 f*cken months, and that's the night she schedules a date?
Meanwhile, I'm left with the Girl Child, bawling her eyes out ("this was supposed to be my Greatest Night!") for 45 minutes. During which she asks the remarkably sophisticated question, "Why did she have to go? What could be more important than us kids?"
Daddy didn't have an answer. He just stroked her hair while she cried it out on his shoulder.
The kids need to get used to it. From my vantage point, this is what it is ALL about. What is more important than us kids? She is. Bottom line. It's all about her, and it will always be all about her. She's doing good now, but as time goes on, I predict she will take the kids less and less. They are your children. She wants to be free as a bird.
To paraphrase Sally Field.. "You listen to me, you really listen to me!" Actually the above image tickles my funny bone.
Good job on maintaining the boundary with your divorcing spouse. Excellent! Next time let HER be the one to take the hit with the kids. Let her be the one to do the 'splaining and deal with the consequences putting herself in a position to consider her choices.
Which I know is hard, very hard. The former spouse gave me a look once during our son's high school graduation celebration in the early months of the divorce process after his paramour was revealed. His facial features showed that he'd just been texted to come home NOW. Instead of letting him extricate himself, I was the one who said, "Dad has to go." Doh.. doy.. sheesh. Did that the night of telling the kids. He got 10 words out, my daughter started crying uncontrollably. Next thing I know I'm sobbing promising the moon, then of all things a puppy. I'm more comfortable responding to hurt, then letting the initiating (or guilty) individual deal with their consequences. It's a tough attribute to grow beyond.
You go, George!
*hugs*
PS.. She may be the mother of your children, but she's not your friend. What she does to them, she does to you.
PPS.. and the most important thing.. Congratulations on the great performance of your littlest angel!
Classic. Ummm -- sheepish grin -- ah! Oh! Um, I have to, um, go. Someplace. For a...
Cue @Gypsy. "Okay -- enough said, I get it. Say goodbye to your mom, kids."
That's hard to deal with and you did great. Your daughters reaction goes that need we have to be appreciated for who we are. She was one stage and a star. She wanted to hear it from her Mom.
Keep up the good work. FIDO.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Well, thanks everyone. I'm still absolutely dumbfounded by this.
I mean, WAW called me today on some slim pretext. I was "correct" in my words -- perhaps not "impeccable," since the @Gypsy standard is pretty hard to meet, but correct. I answered the question and said I had things to do so had to hang-up.
And what does she say? In that affected, faux-innocent/concerned voice -- you all know that voice -- "Is something wrong? Are you mad at me?"
Godd*m! How f*cken oblivious can someone be? I absolutely cannot understand this. Did she not even notice her own awkwardness? The look of abject disappointment on Girl-Child's face?
I know that He's the Reason for the Season and all, and you're all very godly people, so I'll just take the burning pitchfork now, but to quote Joliet Jake Blues, J*sus H. Tap-Dancing Chr*st! What f*cken planet does she inhabit????
