Can I save my marriage?

[Lll54]

You know, its so nice to have struggles and need advice to help you get through those struggles and to come on here and receive help in the most needed way, so thanks everyone.

I have received quite different views from everyone and I don't think anyone is right or wrong. Heck, who am I to say what's right and wrong, that's why I ask for advice!

But I will say that I fell Gucci may have a good valid point. I was acting happy and "as if" today and I could tell it was getting to H. He kept asking, "what's up with you?" "why you acting so weird?" blah, blah, blah. I did backslide a bit actually before I read Gucci's reply. I walked into S3's room and H was wrestling with him...well kind of. S3 was on top of H and H was texting. Ugh. I got upset and it came out.."who are you texting constantly?" He replied " quite a few people." Ugh. I walked away and left it alone.

THEN, read Gucci's response. I like it. It is totally makes sense. I know it gets to my H when I give him even a little dose of that. I am now going to focus on giving it to him all the time not just in spurts.

H is using me though. He played hockey the last two nights, wants to go watch hockey tomorrow, and then plays two more nights of hockey, then works two night in a row. Now that he's home, I have no time to myself and he has every night to go do what he wants to do. It would be different if I had plans, but this has been a slow week and finances are decreasing due to xmas gifts so trying to stay home and save some money. I don't know how to handle this part.

H has flirted with me all day, left for hockey tonight carefree, but then texted me for the next 15 minutes till he got to the rink. Can't leave me alone. I was xmas shopping today and he called for "no reason" Haven't had a call like that in a while.

The guy acts like he is my H, and talks like he is my H. But then at lunch makes the comment that friends of ours invited us for their new years party and he said its okay if I go, he can find something else to do. What? You live here? We do things together everyday since you moved home, but we can't go to a New Years Party together? I asked him when his xmas party for work is and he pretended not to remember. Purposely cause he doesn't want to ask me. And the same for the Children's Police Xmas party. I told him today I knew when it was and he said he rsvp'd for him and the kids. No Britt. Hmmm. I dunno how to handle this stuff.

I will just have to get used to the blackberry, my new attitude. "I COULD CARE LESS ABOUT THAT THING!" I have been trying to be on mine more, but he hasn't noticed yet.

MC wont' see me until I sit down and talk to H about situation. He says he can't help me any longer. Don't want to tell him my DB'ing plan, I'm assuming he wouldn't agree with it, so that has been a little sad. I looked forward to seeing him. But he, as a MC said he can't help me with my marriage until I speak with H and see where our marriage is going.

We discussed Xmas today. And figured how we are going to work it around his shift work. Talks like we are one big happy family and we discussed when we will see his parents. That's all taken care of now. Its just this thing called "limboland" that I'm still in. But hopefully I can continue this "as if" attitude and make some headway.